Signed Sincerely
by i.am.jacks.lie
Summary: Bella's the epitome of an outcast. On her 18th birthday she finds out who her father is and begins writing him letters, too scared to go see him. Shes desperately seeking a change - but Charlie's not the one writing back. AH, Canon, OOC? R&R BEWARE:ANGST!
1. Graduations & Recollections

**A/N: So I'm reallllly bored with my other story and have no idea where it's going. And I loved this idea so I'm running with it. I hope you like it, and I would LOVE LOVE LOVE your feedback!!! Thanks so much! =)**

**Disclaimer: smeyer owns.**

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I adjusted the red plastic gown around my shoulders nervously for the five hundredth time. I felt awkward and hot and sweaty. This was supposed to be one of the greatest days of my life, and I wanted nothing more than for it to be over.

I looked into a sea of faces, flashes drawing my eyes like a moth to a candle. I found my mother and my step-dad in the fifth row, smiling hugely. I wasn't going to kid myself, this wasn't my day…it was Renee's. And she's the only reason that I didn't feign illness and collect my diploma by mail.

My clammy hands played with the certificate resting in them, agitated. It had been hours sitting on the make shift stage, watching all of the popular girls and boys, who were about to be knocked of their pedestal, accept awards for their outstanding achievements.

I'd had a miserable existence at Boulder Creek High School, right outside of Phoenix, Arizona. Perpetually the shy bookworm, I had made zero friends in all the time that I was here. Zero.

I was the epitome of a loner. I knew it killed Renee – the cheerleader. She wanted to see me be popular, to get excited about trips to the mall, and dates with boys. But I found fashion pretentious, and boys a waste of time. I had yet to meet a boy who could speak without looking at my boobs, or without slipping some sort of sexual innuendo into the conversation.

Renee says I'm an old soul. Sometimes I feel like and old woman. But, I am who I am, and if I never find a guy or some good friends, then that's that. At least I'm being true to myself. I laughed to myself. Ah, fuck it, who was I kidding? I was miserable.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you Boulder Creek High School's graduating class of 2009." I heard the principal's voice ring throughout the gym, followed by deafening applause.

Robotically, I switched my tassel, making a mental promise to myself that I wouldn't hang the thing in my rearview mirror.

The class filed out of the gym and outside into the sticky night. I shed the red gown as soon as I was out of the way of everyone.

"Oh my gosh, Bella!" One of the girls from my class ran up to me, "Can you believe we're done? You have to keep in touch! Where are you going to school?"

"I'm not." I mumbled as I detangled myself from her hug and walked away. This was not cool. I was not about to act like these people were my friends when they didn't have the time of day for me all throughout our schooling experience. I'd known some of these kids since first grade.

I found my mom and Phil, took some pictures, smiled, gave them hugs, and was beyond relieved when they asked if I wanted to go home.

Renee wanted to stop for ice cream, but I had had enough. I just wanted to get home to my computer, to the only place that made sense to me. Renee was my best friend, but we operated on different wavelengths. I had never found someone that just got me, that I clicked with. And after 17 years, I was beginning to think I never would.

I booted up my new macbook, my graduation present from Renee and Phil, and waited for the screen to load. I couldn't of asked for a better gift, and I truly was thankful to get rid of the dinosaur that I had been previously operating on.

I absent-mindedly looked around my room, as if it were the first time I had seen it. My eyes landed on the calendar hanging on my wall. It was June 15th. Only three months and three days until I was free. I didn't know whether to jump for joy or growl in frustration. My 18th birthday was coming up and I had a plan to get away. It would probably kill Renee, but I had to.

She and Phil had a life here, I didn't. I never did. I wasn't even living here. I was a hollow shell going through the motions, completely void of any true passion or spark outside of my own imagination.

I was searching for something, and I was going to look until I found it. It was not lost on me how cliché my 'flying the coop' sounded. But it wasn't about being a rebel or spreading my wings, it was about being happy – because I wasn't.

I didn't know anything about my father. I didn't even know his name. I couldn't get his information. I'd asked, I'd begged, I'd pleaded, but Renee just wasn't having it. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, she was hell bent against me knowing my father.

I had once asked her if he had done something bad – if he had hit her, or went to prison or something. She just got this wistful look and said, "of course not, sweetie."

It made me angry. I had every right to know my father. And I had done everything short of stealing my birth certificate to exercise that right. Truthfully, the only reason I didn't was the nagging voice in my head asking me why my father hadn't come to find me. Did he not want me? Was he mad at me?

I pushed that thought from my head though, because come September 18th I would no longer be a minor, and I was going to contact my birth father. I was hoping that it would be the first big change in a series of life-altering changes. I wanted to get out of here. I wanted to live and not feel held back by pretentious expectations.

With my resolve set, I opened the word document I had been typing on before graduation, picking up right where I left off. This was where I made sense. This was me living.

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I shifted in the uncomfortable leather chair. It was stiff, yet worn at the same time. The springs dug into your back and you felt like you were falling of the edge constantly.

I stared at the man in front of me, like I had every day for the past four months and eleven days. I shook my head as my jaw clenched thinking about the injustice of it all. Charlie Swan was a good man. He did not deserve this. He was the heart of our little town of Forks, and people slept safe at night because of him.

When Seattle called in our small police force to help them catch an escaped convict, Charlie jumped at the chance. He would do anything to keep this town safe, and the Seattle troopers were certain that the heinous criminal was headed our way.

The poor excuse for a man did end up coming to our town, and the Forks police squad saw more action in one night than it had in its entire existence. Charlie was speaking with the troopers just outside of Forks. They were channeling him into the only entrance and exit in our town. Charlie had a barricade, the entire FPD lining cars, waiting for him to make an appearance.

Their thinking was that the man would see all the police and surrender, knowing there was no way that he could've escaped. But no one could have predicted the unfortunate series of events that were to take place.

The man came around the bend and was in clear view, a thousand feet out. There was nowhere for him to go. Charlie was in the middle of the barricade, waiting in his car, speaking with the police that were on the tail end of the criminal's car. The other officers were ready and waiting for the man to exit his vehicle. With weapons drawn, and steel concentration lining their faces, they were ready for a fight.

And if all had gone according to plan, things would've probably worked out perfectly. But things didn't go according to plan. The man didn't slow down, he accelerated. He didn't exit the car, he pushed forward. This son of a bitch wasn't going down without a fight. He rammed right into the left side of Chief Swan's car.

Luckily, no one was in the passenger seat. But Chief Swan was taken for the ride of his life that night. He experienced head trauma that on the surface didn't look unrecoverable. But the damage had caused the Chief to slip into a coma, and so, since February 4th, he's been in this very hospital bed. And every day I come, and I sit, and I stare, and I talk, and I ask why, because Charlie Swan did not deserve this.

I didn't hear footsteps but I smelled the heavy stench of an overbearing perfume. I knew who it was before she spoke. I hated that she was always the one that interrupted this time of day for me. I knew what was coming, and so I told myself to behave.

"Walk me to my car, Edward?" Tanya's voice oozed out of her, I think she was going for sexy – I didn't see it.

I stood out of the uncomfortable chair and turned just my head to look at her. "Sure thing, I'll be out in a sec," I gave her a half smile.

Being an intern at the hospital I found that I was catching the eyes of a lot of women. Everyone told me that Tanya was the cream of the crop and that I should 'get on that', but I failed to find her attractive. I found nothing genuine about her.

I shook my head; my mother had raised me to be a gentleman. I would walk Tanya to her car, because it was the gentlemanly thing to do. Nothing more, nothing less.

I looked at Charlie once again and gave him my usual farewell, "Goodnight Chief Swan. Talk to you tomorrow."

I walked to the door and stopped once more to look at the man that deserved to live, "At least he doesn't have a family." I sighed in validation.

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**A/N: So, hit or miss? Reviews if ya got 'em!**

**Oh ps: follow me on twitter! twitter(dot)com/i_am_jacks_lie**

**it's not stuff to do with my stories, just whatever i'm thinking. usually in broken verse.**


	2. Dear Charlie

*****EDIT!!!!***: Sorry for the repetition! I didn't even realize! Thanks to Basketcase for the heads up!!!**

**A/N: Thanks to those of you who read this, reviewed and favorited!!! I'm really excited about this story so your feedback makes me happy! **

**So I know that I screwed up with Bella's birthday, and it's Sep. 13th not 18th. My fault, but I don't feel like re-posting. I didn't think anyone would be offended. Let me know if that changes. =)  
**

**I'm still setting up the story, but hopefully you enjoy this chapter and it's not too boring.**

**oh, and I'm really sorry if there are a ton of errors. I finished this at 4 a.m.**

**Disclaimer: smeyer owns.**

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The summer passed in a torturous mix of anticipation, nervousness, and excitement. Every day that I went to work at the Phoenix Area Community Sports' Center, I was one day closer to not ever having to go back, which, really, was reason enough in itself to get away. What the hell were Renee and Phil thinking getting me this job? They had informed me after graduation that even though they wanted to pay for my college for me - since Phil was making bookoo bucks playing baseball - they thought it'd be 'good experience' for me to have a part time job.

I really didn't have a problem with the job part. It gave me a reason to get out of the house, and it _was_ good idea to have some sort of working experience before I started school. Real world and all that jazz. Nope, it was the fact that even though they knew how physically challenged I was, they decided to get me a job at the Sports' Center.

And do you think they'd sign me up to be a receptionist or an organizer or even a janitor? No. Of course not. Renee and Phil decided it would be a good idea to sign me up to be a camp counselor.

Let's break that down real quick, that means small children…in my care…all day…while I kick balls and swing bats around. Yep, I was the assistant counselor for the PACSC's day camp – sport's division. They couldn't even put me in the damn arts & crafts division. I mean, sure, I'd cut myself with scissors more times than I could count, but at least that injury was self-inflicted. How was I supposed to explain to parent's why their child's face was bashed in?

"_So, yea, I'm sorry, but I'm so clumsy it's almost a handicap and – I swear I didn't mean to – but I kicked the ball and little Tommy was standing so close…" _I don't know many parents who would be okay with that.

Whatever, though. It was a job. I was making money. And while Renee and Phil thought it was for some extra spending cash – probably on booze – I was saving as much as I could to get the hell out. I wanted to find him. I _needed_ to find him.

I stared at the ceiling, much like I had been doing for about an hour, just thinking. Today was my birthday. I was eighteen years old and I could legally obtain my birth certificate without my mother's approval or permission, and believe me, I was doing it today – as soon as possible.

Renee and Phil were driving me up the wall. It wasn't that I didn't love them. I did. Renee was my mom, my best friend, my _only_ friend, my confidant – she was there when no one else was. But, for as much as she was a friend, she was a bit too much of a friend. She and Phil acted like perpetual newlyweds and I often felt like the only adult – even growing up. I felt like I had spent my childhood taking care of my mother. I wanted a mom, someone who would love me no matter what. And while I knew Renee loved me, I also knew that she was disappointed in me. It was no secret that I wasn't the daughter she had been hoping for. She would take me out on shopping trips and try to buy me hoards of clothes that I neither needed nor wanted. I keep it simple and comfortable. I like my jeans, I like my chucks, and you know what they say about cotton – the fabric of our lives…how could you not love cotton?

I would just as soon spend the entire day in the library, but that was boring and I was never going to find a guy if I didn't gussy up a bit and pull my nose out of my books – Renee's words. Not mine.

And then there was Phil. The phrase trying too hard comes to mind.

Phil had entered our lives when I was about ten. Before that it had just been my mom and I, but then Phil came along. He was nice enough, a good guy, kind of vanilla in my opinion, but who am I to judge?

It's just that he spent the last eight years trying to get on my good side, but never actually trying to get to know me.

I swear he studied Leave it to Beaver and Donna Reed tapes to learn how to be a father. He was always so stiff and formal, overdoing the nicknames. I seriously think I can count on one hand the amount of times he called me Bella. It was always 'kid' or 'champ' or 'princess' or 'sweetie' or 'cupcake' or 'pumpkin'. Gahh! I got a cavity just thinking about it.

He was quick to offer his financial services – which I was grateful for, don't get me wrong – but he never tried to get to know me.

As I chipped away at the days of the summer, marking every single day off my calendar, I couldn't help but let a sort of resentment creep in upon me towards Renee – and subsequently, Phil.

I had never understood, but as I was so close to getting the answers I wanted, I was truly having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that she flat out refused to let me contact my father.

She said he never hurt her, and I believed her. Of course, that could be due to the fact that I had romanticized my father into being this white knight amongst a cloud of darkness.

After that train of thought subsided, I let the doubts creep in. There was a constant voice inside my head that was telling me that Renee was just trying to save me some heartache of my own. That maybe she had tried to get him involved and he never wanted anything to do with me in the first place.

That little voice was small, and most times I blocked it out or pushed it aside. But it came at the worst of times, and I was left wondering about how he would react when I went to see him. It was during these times that I would chicken out, telling myself I was crazy and stupid. I was eighteen and I had aloof, but well meaning parents.

But then I would cry myself to sleep because absolutely no one at work would talk to me the entire day, and I would eat lunch alone – again. Or Renee would take me shopping and after arguing for ten minutes about how tight my clothes should be she would storm off, mumbling something about having a 'defective daughter'. Or Phil and I would be eating breakfast at the same time and he would start talking about celebrity gossip, or whatever he caught on the E! News previews during Sports Center commercials, further solidifying the fact that he didn't know me at all.

And it was during these times that I knew, I knew that even if my birth father rejected me a hundred times over, that I had to get away. I felt trapped inside my own body, fighting an internal war between who I was and who everyone wanted me to be. If I was beyond human companionship, then so be it, but I wasn't going to give up without meeting him. I would regret it forever if I didn't.

I rolled out of bed, pushing all thoughts of negativity and bitterness out of my head. Today was my birthday. Today was the day I had been waiting for since graduation, probably even before that. Today was the day that I was going to fully embrace Isabella Marie. I was going to break Renee's heart, but it was just what I had to do. I mentally dropped 'Dwyer' from my name. It wasn't my name. Phil hadn't ever even officially adopted me.

I had always tacked it on the end because I was told to, but not anymore. I wasn't Isabella Marie Dwyer. I was Isabella Marie something…I just didn't know what that something was yet.

Opening my door I smelled burnt pancakes.

_Great._

_Well, at least she tried._

_Yea, but still, she couldn't not burn the pancakes on my birthday?_

_Be nice. She'll probably be in tears by the end of the day._

I warred with myself as I made my way down the hall, down the steps, and into the kitchen. Renee looked up as she saw me enter, spatula in hand, black bread on the counter next to her.

"Bella baby! Happy birthday!" She smiled genuinely as she came around and planted a kiss on my cheek.

I felt moisture in my eyes, and I sucked in a breath to hold it in. I loved my mom. For as much as she annoyed the hell out of me, and as much as we argued, I still loved her to pieces, and I didn't want to hurt her.

"Thanks mom," I smiled back as she handed me a plate full of pancakes. I sat across from where she was working on the counter at the breakfast bar. Drowning my pancakes in syrup, I took a huge bite.

_Not bad. Not bad at all. _

_Yea, well drenching your food in pure sugar will make anything taste good._

_Duly noted. _

"So, Bells. What do you want to do for your birthday? I was thinking maybe we could go get our nails done, do a little shopping, have some lunch at the country club, maybe lay out by the pool a little, and then meet Phil for some dinner? How's that sound, huh?" The smile never left her face. It almost looked like it hurt.

I was on overload. She had just jam-packed nearly everything I abhorred doing with her into one day – my birthday. I contemplated just spitting it out right now, just asking for the birth certificate and getting it over with. But then she said the magic words…

"Or instead of shopping we could go to that used book store you like so much," she offered with minimal disgust in her voice.

My head snapped up to meet her eyes. She wasn't frowning, but her smile had dimmed a little, and I knew that in her own way she was making a sacrifice for me…and I truly appreciated it.

"Really mom?" I asked, shyly.

Renee put down the spatula and reached over the counter to cover my hand with hers, "Of course baby. It's your day."

Guilt washed through me again. I was quickly realizing that no time was going to be a good time to tell her about my intentions. It was going to hurt her any time of the day under any circumstances. Should I get it out now? Or let the guilt eat at me all day while I wait to tell her?

I decided to meet myself in the middle. I would tell her at lunch. I knew she'd be on her best behavior at the country club. Might as well use the odious place to my advantage.

I nodded my head before speaking, "Yea, I think I'd really like that."

"It's settled then. Go ahead and finish your breakfast, and then as soon as you're ready, we'll go." She started cleaning up the kitchen, well, her version of cleaning anyway. The dishes rarely actually made it to the dishwasher when she did them, and while the food got covered, it never got put away, but I guess that's what I was there for, right? I wasn't going to let it bother me today though.

"Oh, well, I just have a few bites left and then we can go." I told her, shoveling my food into my mouth.

She stopped and her eyes raked over me from head to foot. I hated feeling like I was in high school gym class at home with my mother.

"You're going to wear that? Really? And what about your hair?" She didn't say it meanly, but I knew what her point was. She thought I looked un-presentable. Well, we're right on par for the course.

"What's wrong with my hair, mom?" I deadpanned. This wasn't a new conversation.

"Well, nothing, it's just…it's so flat."

I let my fork hit my plate in a 'clink', "what would you like me to do with it?"

"Maybe if you just spent some time styling it…" she trailed off.

I balled my hands into fists, "Mom, please. Can we not do this today?"

Her face softened and she nodded in concession.

I sighed in relief as I walked over and put my dish in the dishwasher, and in turn putting all the rest of the dishes in there as well.

"Okay, I'll go grab my wallet and then we'll head out." I wasn't looking at her, but I could hear the excitement in her voice again. I knew our tiff was forgotten.

By the time I finished with the kitchen, Renee had come back down and we were on our way to my favorite place in the entire city. Charlotte's Web was a used bookstore with more character than any other store in Phoenix could even hope to possess.

I knew the owners, being a frequent shopper there, and they were the nicest people you could ever hope to meet. It was people like Peter and Charlotte who made you want to get married. You looked at them and you knew, they just got each other. They didn't complicate things, together, they simplified them, together, they were themselves, and only together could they be whole. They were truly the missing piece to each other's respective puzzle.

They were elderly, and had no children – leaving me to wonder what would happen to the bookstore when the two of them were gone. I couldn't even think about it not existing.

Peter had been in love with Charlotte his whole life. They had gone to school together since they were small children. But Charlotte was always the shy one, always the loner. Peter said that I reminded him of Charlotte when she was my age. Secretly, I loved it when he told me things like that – it gave me hope.

They graduated school and went on with their lives, the both of them going to university. But still, Peter never forgot about Charlotte. She was constantly at the forefront of his mind.

Peter came from a wealthy family, and once he graduated college – for business – he set out to work for his father. He heard of Charlotte through the grapevine, but rarely did he actually see her. Still, his love for her burned strong.

He had been working for his father for a couple of months when he just couldn't take it anymore. He didn't want to be in business, it bored him. And he didn't want to be separated from Charlotte any longer. In the riskiest grand gesture known to man Peter left his father's company, took his inheritance, and used it to open his own bookshop, naming it Charlotte's Web after his beloved and her favorite book of all time.

He sent her a letter, asking her to come to the address, but not divulging what exactly she would be happening upon. She came, as she had always returned his sentiments, unbeknownst to him, and was floored by the magnitude of his gesture.

He professed his love for her right then and there and they haven't been separated since.

It was the most romantic story I knew, and I couldn't believe it had actually happened. I often thought that someone should write a book on their story.

That's a lie. I always thought that _I _should write a book on their story. But I was too chicken shit to ask for their permission. Maybe someday…

We walked in and the smell of books assaulted my senses. I experienced a heightened euphoria unlike any other when I walked in here.

_I wish they sold this in an air freshener…_

I waved to Charlotte who was on the phone at the front and started to wander. I perused the isles lazily, occasionally slipping one of my favorites out to read a passage. I don't think the smile ever left my face.

I saw Renee a few times, looking around. I knew this wasn't her cup of tea, but she was being a good sport.

After what seemed like five minutes, I looked up from my place on the ground, surrounded by books I had taken off the shelves, to see Renee with a smile on her face.

"You almost ready to go, Bells?"

I felt my heart sink a bit. This had been my favorite birthday so far, including the one where I got my first bike. But I knew that I could get carried away and so I conceded, standing up.

"Sure. What time is it?" I asked, stretching my arms over my head.

"It's nearly one." Renee replied looking at her watch.

"We were here for almost three hours?"

A pained expression crossed Renee's face, "Yes."

I smiled, grateful that she had been so accommodating. I linked my arm through hers, looked back at the desk, waved to Peter – who was fiddling with the cash register, and walked out.

"Ready for some lunch?" Renee asked.

"Ready as I'll ever be," knowing the implications that lunch would bring.

After a short drive and a non-existent wait, we were seated and examining the menu. I couldn't concentrate, though. I kept looking up every couple of seconds to look at Renee. If I wasn't nervous before, I was now. The waiter came by and took our drink orders. Before I got the chance to order a drink for myself though, Renee cut in and ordered me a Shirley Temple, telling the waiter it was my birthday.

My cheeks flushed in embarrassment. My mom ordering drinks for me and telling the waiter it was my birthday, really? I was under the impression I was turning eighteen, not seven.

But then Renee smiled at me. And I remembered what I had to do. And I decided not to let the stupid drink thing bother me. Once I decided on the grilled chicken and avocado sandwich, I closed my menu and waited for Renee to be done, fiddling with my hands.

She put her menu down and motioned for the waiter. We placed our orders and as he walked away a silence fell over the table. I think I was the only one who thought it was extremely uncomfortable, though.

Renee picked up her tea and took a long sip through the straw, winking at me as she caught me watching her. She put her drink down and was about to say something, but I cut her off. If I didn't do this now, I never would.

"Mom I want my birth certificate." I blurted out.

She looked shocked at my outburst at first, probably because it came out more forceful than necessary. Oops.

"I'm sorry, what?" She asked.

I took a deep breath, wringing my hands together desperately now, "I want my birth certificate, mom. I'm eighteen."

She stared at me for a second, "Why?"

She knew why. She knew exactly why, but she wanted me to say it.

I looked her in the eye, but the words weren't coming out, so I looked down at my empty bread plate, "Because I want to find my father."

I snuck a look up at her, and her face was expressionless.

I didn't like it. That could mean any number of things.

"Phil is your father," she said, not hard but not soft either.

I clenched my jaw tight. Getting in an argument wouldn't help me. I had to let that comment go and focus on the prize, "I mean my birth father."

She nodded curtly, "Well, Isabella, you're eighteen and I suppose I can't stop you," she threw her napkin on the table, "but I hope you know what you're getting yourself into."

I started to defend myself but she cut me off, her voice and manner eerily calm for the words that were leaving her mouth, "If you want to contact him, that's your choice. I had my reasons for not telling you who he was, but if you're going to be a stubborn child then I guess you'll have to find that out the hard way."

She stood up and walked away briskly to the bathroom. I felt tears sting my eyes. I thought she'd be upset. I knew she'd be hurt, but I didn't think she'd be mean. The coldness of the last two minutes stung and numbed my entire body at the same time.

She wasn't being fair. I had every right to know my father, and Phil wasn't him. The tears still prickled as I felt my cheeks grow hot with a flush of anger. Resolved, I wiped the unshed tears from my eyes and sat up tall.

I was going to do this. I needed to do this. I wanted to do this. Renee could belittle me all she wanted, this was my choice and it was eighteen years in the making.

Renee came back from the bathroom, and I thought her eyes looked red and a little puffy, but I didn't dare ask. We ate our meal in silence, and while I had made my decision, I was upset that I had effectively ruined what was before a pleasant day.

The drive home was also silent, and I thought I would explode from the tension permeating the car. When we got home Renee walked in the house without a word, and marched up to her room.

Taking that as a cue that she wanted to be left alone, I went to the living room and flipped on the T.V. I flipped through the channels aimlessly, not really paying attention and not really caring. I was on my second round of channel surfing when I heard Renee's footsteps on the stairs.

I sat up straighter, but kept my eyes trained on the television. She stopped right in front of me, forcing me to acknowledge her presence. Once I did she wordlessly handed me a piece of paper.

I took it, already knowing what it was, but checked just to make sure. My birth certificate. My eyes scanned the page for the only piece of information I wanted from this sheet of paper. And there it was. My father's name. Charlie Swan. I liked it. No, I loved it. Isabella Marie Swan.

I felt the smile pull across my face as my brain reeled with possible scenarios of us meeting. I looked to find Renee unmoved, and still towering over me. I wasn't sure that I wanted to know the answer, but I had to ask, it was imperative.

"Mom?" I asked tentatively.

She raised her eyebrows, acknowledging me.

"Why has he never tried to contact me?"

I could tell she was waiting for that question as she brought her hands up to stroke her temples, "Because I never told him about you."

And with that she turned and walked away. My mother walked away from me after telling me that my father didn't even know I existed.

This changed everything. I couldn't very well show up on his doorstep like this. He'd surely have a heart attack. Plus it would be all kinds of embarrassing.

"_Hi, you don't know me, but I'm your spawn."_

I shook my head as I felt the tears make their presence known again. This was so fucked up. How was I supposed to go see my father if he didn't know he was a father.

My heart caught in my throat as the next thought ran through my head, _what if he already has a family? What if I get up the courage to go and he turns me away? Then what?_

_Of course he probably has a family, it's not like he'd be pining for my mom all these years. I don't even know what happened between them._

Damnit! What had seemed so promising before was now appearing hopeless. Could I face that rejection from him? I didn't know.

But then my mind went back to this morning. What did I have to lose? Absolutely nothing. Not a fucking thing. Why not jump for the first damn time in my life? I talk about living, I write about living, but I'm the biggest hypocrite to walk the earth because I'm still waiting for my life to start.

My head and my heart seemed to be in constant battle as of late, and my heart was winning by a landslide. I didn't know where this courage was coming from, but I'll be damned if I question it. Once again resolved, I flipped of the T.V., and made a run for my room.

Sitting down at my desk I pulled a piece of stationary that Renee and Phil had gotten me for Christmas out of the drawer. Let's just say, this was the first time it was being used.

I sat in the middle of my bed, cross-legged, with a binder supporting the blank piece of paper that meant the world to me. Biting the pen cap, I decided to start it off simply.

_Dear Charlie…_

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**CLIFF!!!!!!**

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	3. Decisions During Visiting Hours

*****EDIT****: this isn't a new chapter. I just fixed some things that were bothering me. Sorry for the fakeout!**

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Friday. Thank God it was Friday. My shift was almost over at the hospital, and then I would have a rare couple of days off. It was glorious.

I loved my job, really, I did.

And I really don't like to be melodramatic.

But there was only so much I could take.

Only so many times I would pass of a pinch of my ass as accidental.

Only so many times I could ignore her as she sucked on her pen vulgarly.

Only so many times I could patiently handle being paged for an "emergency" that turned out to be anything but.

I may only be an intern, but I take my responsibilities at the hospital very seriously. I didn't want some sexually frustrated nurse ruining my credibility. Having my father as the chief of surgery was hard enough.

Many in the town already thought that I was an entitled rich kid, living off his parent's money and doting affection. I was Edward Cullen – near child prodigy. My every whim was met without question and everything I touched turned to gold.

Sometimes it was a fucking nightmare.

I didn't go through years of schooling to be my daddy's wingman forever and ever; my decision had nothing to do with my father – well in the sense that I made the decision _for_ him.

Starting at quite a young age, I watched my father deal with patient's day in and day out. I knew it was where I wanted to be. I wanted the chance to save people's lives. I wanted to comfort them when we had done all we could, but it just wasn't enough. I wanted to watch, as tears of joy spilled from loved one's eyes when they realized that their family member, friend, spouse, child, etc, was going to pull through. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to live my life knowing that I was contributing to the world in some way, no matter how big or small.

So, sufficed to say, despite my intentions, and even though I graduated summa cum-laude from both my University and medical school, many people assumed that I hadn't quite earned my position here at the hospital.

It didn't bother me… much. My family was the only thing that mattered to me, and we tended to keep to ourselves.

Aside from a few families in town and on the reservation, our neighbors were nearly strangers to us. I'm not sure why, maybe it was the money…

Either way, I had my priorities; my family was first, followed by my job, and I wasn't going to let a few gossiping hags get to me, nor was I going to let Tanya Denali ruin my career via her attempts at seduction.

"Hello Mrs. Richardson," I greeted with a smile as I walked into her room and to the foot of her bed.

"Edward," Her smiled brightened up the entire room.

Mrs. Richardson was one of my favorite patients. She was 86 years old, and her age was catching up to her physical well-being. However, if spirit could counteract her health – and really, I believe it did, at least somewhat – than she wasn't a day over fifty.

Unfortunately, she found herself in the hospital more than she or her family members liked. Secretly though – and I would never wish her harm in any way – I liked it when she was in. I made sure to visit her frequently, even if she wasn't my patient.

We chatted for a few moments aimlessly, while I casually perused her charts. She had a benign cyst removed and was being kept overnight just to monitor everything – she seemed to be fine though, and I had no doubt that she would be up and kicking tomorrow.

"Will you be here to see me off tomorrow?" She asked, her eyes brightening a bit.

It was our tradition. I would always walk her out to her car if I was on shift, whether she was in for a doctor's appointment or surgery, I was her escort.

I frowned, remembering that I would not, in fact, be around tomorrow, "No Mrs. Richardson, I'm sorry. I have off tomorrow."

The brightness in her eyes did not falter, "Oh that's wonderful, Edward! I know that you don't have many Saturday's off. Though why I know that should be a testament to how many Saturday's _I've_ spent here." She mused. There was the fiery woman I loved. "Any exciting plans?"

I shook my head, "No, I don't think so. I may go to Seattle for the day with my brother and sister, but we'll see."

She smiled slyly, "No hot dates this weekend?"

I chuckled, embarrassed, and ducked my head, "No. Not this weekend."

She huffed in slight annoyance, "Edward, when are you going to find a nice girl?"

I was about to answer her when a click-clacking of heels interrupted.

_So Close._

"Good Evening Mrs. Richardson," Tanya smiled her plastic smile.

For the first time all night I saw the light in Mrs. Richardson's eyes dwindle. I smiled ruefully: it wasn't just me.

"Hello dear," she greeted in polite compliance.

"Are you all set here Eddie?" She asked as she pressed the length of her body against the side of mine under the guise that she was looking over Mrs. Richardson's chart as well.

"Ah…um, Tanya, I thought that Kate was supposed to be attending to Mrs. Richardson."

I cringed as I felt her hand slide up and down my back, "Oh, well she was, but she asked me to take over for her. She hasn't had a break all day – had an uncooperative patient – and asked if I could help her out with a couple of her patients." She smiled again, and I drew back. Wasn't a smile supposed to be an attractive attribute?

I sighed, about to resign to the fact that Tanya had to be here, and amended it with the fact that Mrs. Richardson was my last patient of the day. Pity, though, because as much as I would have loved to stick around and speak with Mrs. Richardson, I was now looking for the nearest exit.

"Tanya?" I spun around as I heard Kate's obviously confused voice from the doorway. I smirked. She was crafty; I'd give her that.

I looked at Tanya who seemed to want a hit out on Kate, judging by the stare. I heard a muffled laugh come from behind me and I turned to see Mrs. Richardson covering her mouth, trying not to let her fit of giggles escape.

"I thought you said Kate was on a break, Tanya?" I smiled down at her.

Tanya didn't say a word, just kept shooting death glares at Kate. Why she even made a big deal about coming to tend to this patient with me in the first place was beyond me. She'd be around me for no longer than five minute, and then what? We'd go our separate ways – seemed like a waste of effort to me.

Kate, growing increasingly uncomfortable, tried her best to amend her co-worker, "Right, break…me…on…my break…right now. Okay. Um, bye?" she half turned, staring at Tanya, as if asking for permission.

Tanya smirked and she took it as her cue to leave.

The room was silent and thick with tension for a moment as Tanya just looked up at me. I had no idea what she was waiting for so I pretended to find the chart that I held in my hands of extreme importance.

But then she pressed her body up against me again, also finding the chart in my hands of extreme importance, and that plan was quickly shot down.

"Well, if we're all done here…" I trailed of rubbing my hands together after placing the clipboard over the back of the bed, hoping that Tanya would just leave.

No such luck.

She stood there, with a satisfied smile on her face, waiting for me so we could…

We could…

I had no fucking idea what she wanted me to do…walk with her down the hallway?

Growing increasingly frustrated, and not wanting to appear unprofessional, I decided it would be best to say my goodbyes to Mrs. Richardson, and get the hell out. Go home. Have a beer with Em.

I walked to the side of the bed and took Mrs. Richardson's hand in mine and brought it to my lips. Placing a soft kiss on the back of her hand I bid her goodbye and safe travels home, with instructions not to be back too soon.

She blushed a bit – that was my favorite part – and sighed, "She's going to be a lucky lady, Edward."

I smiled and shook my head, "No. When I find her, I'll be the lucky one."

I heard Tanya huff behind me, effectively killing my sweet goodbye with this sweet old lady. With an apologetic smile I turned and walked out of the room. I could smell Tanya behind me, and I knew it wasn't long before she caught up.

"Got any plans this weekend, Eddie?" She asked as she walked beside me.

I sucked in a sharp breath through my nose. How many times did I have to tell her not to call me Eddie? Never Eddie. Almost any other thing but Eddie. She still insisted on using it_. _I was almost done my day, almost out of here. Just had to keep the professional pretense up a bit longer. I could do it.

"Actually, I think I'll be in Seattle tomorrow with my siblings." I offered offhandedly.

"Well that sounds like fun!" She said in her bubblegum sweet voice.

I nodded my head once.

"You know, I've never been to Seattle," she mused as she grabbed my arm and looped hers through.

"Is that so?" I played along.

"Crazy, right? For how long I've lived in Forks…" she trailed off.

"Hmm," was my only reply.

I smiled internally as I could actually feel her growing impatient beside me. I knew she wanted me to ask her to come with us, but there was no way in hell that that was happening.

"I hear it's really beautiful." She offered.

"Yep" I popped the 'p'.

She exhaled shortly, "And there's tons to do and see. You could spend a whole week vacationing there."

Yea. No shit. "Many people do."

I knew she was getting annoyed. It was hilarious.

She hugged my arm closer to her as she now had both of hers looped through it, "Let me know if you want some company, all right?"

I nodded curtly and pulled my arm away as we approached the nurse's station.

"All set to leave, Edward?" Heidi asked me from behind the desk.

I knew she had a small crush on me, but she was a sweet girl and was fun to talk to during breaks, "Yes, finally. I've got a whole weekend to enjoy. What about you?"

"I have to work Sunday, but I have tomorrow of and I'm looking forward to it," she smiled shyly.

I considered inviting her to Seattle with me just to piss Tanya off, as I knew she was eavesdropping, but decided that it would create more trouble than it was worth.

"Well enjoy your day off," I smiled at her as I turned to leave.

"Thanks, you too," she murmured. "Oh! Edward!" She suddenly called.

I turned to see her holding a stack of envelopes.

"You visit Chief Swan, right?"

I nodded, I had completely forgotten to go see him today.

"This is his latest mail that Billy sent over. Most of it's just cards from the kids down at the reservation and from Forks Elementary, but he said there was one other letter in there as well."

I took the small stack from her and nodded my head in appreciation. I would stop by and talk to him for a couple of minutes before I left.

I approached his room and knocked. I always did, just out of respect for him.

The fading sunlight was streaming through the windows, casting an angelic light in the room. There was such an electric energy in the room, full of…joy? Yea, I felt happy. I sat at the foot of his bed, in the same leather chair that I always occupied.

I looked at the broad shouldered, strong-jawed man lying in front of me, the same thoughts running through my head as always.

_He shouldn't be here. He didn't belong here. He was a good man._

Frustrated, I let my head fall into my hands, pulling my hair from root to tip as a form of catharsis. I glanced over at the stack of letters that I had thrown carelessly on the foot of his bed when I had sat down. I remembered Heidi's words, that there was another letter in here.

Charlie didn't get letters. He got cards from people around Forks and from the reservation periodically, but never letters. The people that mattered most were in visiting distance.

I picked up the sealed envelope it's shape and color making it different from all the rest and easily identifiable.

The soft green envelope with and intricate brown design floating around the edges had soft handwriting on it. And it was addressed to his house.

Odd. No one wrote to Charlie and sent it to his house. They knew to either send it here or to Billy Black – Charlie's best friend.

I flipped the cardstock over and over again in my hands – debating. I wanted to open it. I wanted to know who had written this letter to Charlie. I wanted to know whom the soft handwriting belonged to.

But I couldn't. I couldn't just open someone else's mail. It was an invasion of privacy…and a federal offense.

I stared at the envelope, willing it to open with my eyes.

_Just open it. He's not awake to do it. What if it's important?_

_But it's his letter. Not mine. I don't have the right._

_Right? The man is in a coma!_

_Real nice._

_I'm just saying. Look, open it and read it to him. _

_Hmm. Read it to him. That may work._

_Of course, you read all of his other cards to him, why should this be any different._

I knew why it was different. All the letters I read to him were from people we knew, who knew that I was going to be seeing their cards. This though, this looked personal. What if no one but Charlie was supposed to see this letter?

Then again, what if it's important and someone needs help? Or what if they don't know what happened to Charlie and are looking for a response…

I turned the envelope over and before I knew what I was doing I ripped it open. I pulled the matching stationary out, a floral smell coming with it. But it wasn't like Tanya's – overbearing and gaudy. It was beautiful and fresh. Lovely. That's the best word to describe it – lovely.

With slightly trembling hands, and a quick look back at the door I started to read:

_Dear Charlie,_

_Honestly, I have no idea how to start this letter. You're probably going to think I'm nuts – like Norman-Bates-dress-up-as-my-mother-bat-shit-crazy – but this is something I have to do._

_Okay, I'm just going to come out and tell you, and then I'll explain everything – or at least I'll try._

_My name is Isabella Marie Swan, I guess. I'm your daughter. My mother is Renee Carlson – now Dwyer. I'm assuming that you didn't know she was married since she told me that you didn't know about me._

_Look, this is probably the most uncomfortable letter that I've ever written, and I'm not really sure what the proper etiquette to dropping a bomb like fatherhood on someone 18 years after the fact is, but there you go._

_I just graduated high school, and I don't really know what I'm doing with my life. I'm taking a shot here, because really, I have no idea if your even still reading this letter or if you've torn it up and thrown it away. I would understand if you did, but if there's even the slightest chance that you want to get to know me at all, even just as a person, just know that I've always wanted to know who you were._

_Anyways, I'm going to keep this short, with as little information as possible as I know the whole daughter thing is a lot to swallow. I would love to hear from you – again I understand if you don't want to – but if you do, I'd like to get to know you. I don't have to call you dad if you don't want me to. _

_Well, now I'm rambling…in a letter of all things. I'm sorry if I've caused you any trouble with this letter, it was not my intention. Please write back if you have the chance._

_Bella_

_p.s.- sorry for using the word 'shit'._

Fuck. Me.

Chief Swan had a daughter.

Chief Swan didn't know he had a daughter.

Chief Swan was in a coma and couldn't know he had a daughter.

I roughly ran my hands through my hair again. This was great – just fucking great. This obviously nervous girl wasn't going to be getting a response from her father because her father was rendered unconscious…but of course she wouldn't know that.

Maybe I could tell her – tell her that Charlie would want to know her, but that he couldn't.

But then, what if she was upset because I read her letter.

So what?! At least she'll know. Who cares if this girl was upset for a bit, she'd see the benefit in the long run.

I growled in frustration.

It was obvious that this girl was looking for…comfort - A friend, a confidant, a protector.

Her shy words and tentative speech were enough to convince me of that. What would telling her that her father was in a coma do? Probably scare her away.

I removed myself from the confines of the uncomfortable leather and stretched, letter still in hand.

I glanced over it once more. I had no idea what to do. Shaking my head, I set the delicate piece of paper with the soft handwriting right next to Charlie.

I knew Chief Swan. While he wasn't the type to display an overabundance of emotion, he cared about people. He would care about her. And he would want to know her.

Folding up the envelope, I stuffed it in my pocket and walked to the door.

"Goodnight Chief Swan. I have off this weekend, but I'll see you Monday."

I flicked the light off and walked down the hall towards the parking garage – still conflicted. What was the right thing to do?

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	4. Loneliness, My Old Friend

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I couldn't take it back now, even if I wanted to. And truthfully, I wasn't so sure that I didn't. As I watched the seemingly unoffending piece of cardstock paper slip into the black abyss disguised as the USPS signature blue mailbox I felt the butterflies in my stomach grow tenfold. I thought that after I had mailed the letter that I would feel more free, I guess, that I would feel less burdened, as though I could scratch it off my list and feel somewhat accomplished.

I didn't. I felt nervous. I felt like I was going to throw up, because as much as I hated to admit it, I was putting a lot of faith in this tiny little letter. I wanted out. I wanted an escape. But more than anything, I wanted a dad. No, scratch that, not just _a_ dad, I wanted _my_ dad.

I felt like I was in elementary school again, the age of "my dad is better than your dad". As childish as it may seem, I wanted that. I wanted to know him. I had been telling Renee, and even myself, all along that I just wanted to know, that I wanted options outside of this desert prison. And sure, that was part of it. But now, knowing that I couldn't take anything back, knowing that one piece of paper could change my entire future for better or for – God forbid – worse, I knew…I knew that it wasn't just about getting out – I wanted my dad to want me back.

I spun on my heel and walked briskly back to my bike. The post office was just a few blocks from my house and it was a nice enough day – not too hot, and let's face it…it was never too cold in Phoenix. I reveled in the dry heat as I made my way back home, loving the gentle breeze that I was creating with my speed.

It wasn't a bad life. I didn't have a bad life. I just wanted something different. I wanted to be with people who understood me, who got where I was coming from. I grunted in frustration as I pushed myself to peddle faster. I felt like it was such a cop-out. I was struggling not to feel guilty about my desires.

So what if I was lonely? There were people that had it a lot worse than me. Who was I to be complaining about trivial problems?

But while I felt somewhat selfish for my wants, I couldn't bring myself to let them go – I didn't feel guilty enough I guess. I was unhappy, and I knew it. I reasoned that my wants and desires were actually my needs – it was self-preservation. What kind of life would I be living if I resigned myself to the fact that I would be just "skating by", not really living, just being.

I didn't want to hurt my mother, really I didn't. I loved her. But then I thought about her face the other day when she handed me my birth certificate. She hurt me with her words in an attempt to foil my plans.

My breath was coming out in hard puffs now as I peddled even harder, sweat trickling down my face and onto my chest. I had passed my house about a block ago, but I didn't care. I couldn't go home yet.

It hit me, then – the reason I felt so guilty. I had been made to believe that my actions were selfish, that I was being a spoiled little brat who needed to have her way and her way only. But only after remembering my mothers harsh words did my blood start to boil to the surface. Bullshit! It wasn't selfish…or at least not totally. I had every right to know him. I had every right to want something better for myself. I had every right to get out of this fucking wasteland of pretentious, self-righteous, people living in their own bubbles.

Maybe the rest of the world was no different. Maybe I would come to find that Phoenix was the best place for me. Maybe I would have to be okay with the fact that I would live my life in solitude because no one else understood. Maybe…but I didn't know for sure. And I sure as hell wasn't going to sit around and feel guilty about wanting to find out.

I was tired of being manipulated by my mother, tired of feeling inadequate next to my peers, tired of feeling forgotten and misunderstood. If Charlie Swan was my way out, then damn the rest of them…I was going to take it.

I brought my bike around the block and I slowed as my house came into sight. Renee and Phil were running errands, and I found myself grateful for small favors. My blood was still boiling and I didn't want to have to deal with them right now. Parking it in the garage I walked into the kitchen to grab a glass of lemonade.

As I gulped down the sweet liquid greedily I found myself becoming lighter with each sip. This was going to be a good thing. Sure, I was still nervous for Charlie's response, but for the first time in I don't know how long, I felt hopeful, I felt like there were good things to come.

It had been three weeks since I sent the letter. I was antsy. I tried to reason with myself that I knew this could be a possibility - that he wouldn't want to speak with me. But honestly, it had only been a wayward thought. I hadn't really prepared myself for the fact that my father could reject me.

The hope that I had felt that day I dropped the letter off was steadily dwindling. Renee would bring in the mail every day, and after work every day I would faithfully check for something…anything.

I had called the post office a week ago, inquiring about delivery time. They said that it would take, at most, three days to get there. I reasoned that maybe he didn't get the letter. Maybe he did get it, but he hadn't had time to read it yet – I didn't know what his life was like, who was I to judge? Or maybe he did get it, and he read it, but he needed some time to digest the information. I could understand that. It was a lot to take in. Obviously, I'd known my whole life that I had to have a father out there somewhere…but not every guy has some daughter that he's waiting to be contacted by after she turns 18. It's a huge pill to swallow.

But then there was the thought that was growing stronger and stronger every day – the thought that he didn't want me. That he resented me. That he was angry that I disrupted his life.

He probably had a family of his own, a wife and kids. How would they react to the news? He'd probably take a lot of heat from them.

I groaned. I wish I had a way of knowing. Anything would be better than waiting. If he would just send me a letter that said, "Dear Bella, I know you're my spawn but please don't talk to me" at least I would know, at least I wouldn't be getting my hopes up.

But he didn't. And I was stuck waiting…stuck inside my own head.

I tore my covers off of me deciding that it was time I get off my ass and do something. Stewing inside my own head was just going to drive me crazy. I threw a bra on under my thin tank top and made my way to the bathroom.

Surveying my lovely morning appearance while I brushed my teeth I decided that I needed a change. I needed to do something drastic, just because. I felt restless and I wanted something different.

I squinted my eyes and cocked my head to the side as if that would give me the magical answer. Taking in my drab, dark brown locks, I decided that a haircut would do. Yea, I would get my haircut…maybe even colored.

I'm sure Renee would be thrilled at the prospect of me caring even infinitesimally about my appearance. She would take me to the salon and dote the whole time…it would probably put her in a good mood for the rest of the day as well.

I rolled my eyes as I thought about Renee and her recent emotional rollercoaster. She was having a hard time with me contacting Charlie…still…and I never knew what she was going to be like from one minute to the next.

As I spit out the toothpaste and rinsed my mouth I couldn't help but feel a tad resentful towards her and Phil. Phil was upset with me because he didn't know how to deal with Renee and they were both blaming me for the "hard time" they were suffering through.

It killed me that ninety percent of the time, I was the adult in the house. Renee was acting like a spoiled child and Phil was catering to her every whim. Please.

I finished up my morning routine and headed downstairs to tell Renee the good news…makeover!

"Hey mom," I said as I skipped down the stairs.

She looked up from some papers she was looking over at the kitchen table, "Oh hey baby, how'd you sleep?"

I shrugged, "Fine."

She smiled, "What do you have going on today?"

I pulled out a chair across from her and sat down, "Actually I wanted to talk to you about that."

"Oh?" I almost smiled at the panic in her features. I could almost see the scenarios she was running through her mind at what I could possibly want and how she could stop me.

"I was thinking about getting my hair done and wanted to know if you'd come with me?" I questioned.

Her face broke out into a huge smile…predictable. "Oh Bella! That'd be wonderful! We could get you some layers, or maybe even cut it short – it's very high fashion right now. Oh! And some highlights would look gorgeous in your hair! How do you feel about blonde? Not platinum blonde, like I honey blonde. I think you'd be beautiful!"

She rambled on at a mile a minute, "Sure mom, we'll figure it out. I just want something different"

Her answering smile told me that she was more than happy to help me out in this area. I almost scoffed, how could something so trivial be so important to her?

"Yes! We can go to my girl – Jane – she'll do a fantastic job. She'll know exactly what to do with you!" If at all possible, her smile grew. It was actually kind of scary, "Just let me finish up here, I'm sending a card my friend Rachel in Texas, you remember Rachel?"

I shook my head no.

"Well I guess you wouldn't, you were quite young. Anyways, her husband just died. Terrible tragedy, heart attack. He was only 45 years old."

"Wow, that's a shame," I said with true remorse.

"You just never know when it's going to be you're time, you know?" I nodded in agreement, "Would you do me a favor and run up to my room? My address book is on my nightstand and I need Rachel's address."

"Sure mom," I got up and ran towards the stairs.

I entered my mom's room cautiously. I hated going in here. For some reason it just always creeped me out that Phil slept in here too. It shouldn't have, but it did. Walking over to my mom's nightstand, I saw her address book lying in plain sight. Grabbing it a little too roughly in my haste I knocked the notebook that she kept by her bedside right off the table, as well as a few odds and ends.

"Shit," I bent down to pick them up. I had all of the papers in my hands when I noticed something sticking out from my mom's notebook. I don't know why I cared, I don't know why I looked, but my curiosity got the better of me. I laid everything down on the floor and situated myself comfortably on the ground before slipping the piece of paper out to get a better look.

My heart caught in my throat, and tears stung the corners of my eyes almost instantaneously. I didn't know whether to feel angry or hurt, I was feeling pretty equal amounts of both at this point. The tears that were pooling spilled over my eyes and down my face. My jaw clenched as my lip quivered.

"Bella? Did you find it?"

My mom's voice calling me from downstairs broke me from my trance. Settling on anger, I left the papers scattered on her bedroom floor as I marched out of her bedroom. I thumped down the stairs, the tears still flowing.

Renee looked up as she saw me enter and the smile faded instantly from her face. "Honey? What's wrong?"

I slammed the paper on the table making an awful noise, but it was oddly satisfying. I just stared at her for a few seconds. I had never wanted to hit something so badly in my life. "What the hell is this, mom?"

She shrunk back. She looked away. Un-fucking-believable. She didn't have to look because she knew exactly what I was talking about.

"Why did you hide this from me?" I asked, my voice raising.

"Bella, it was for your own good."

"Shut up!" I yelled.

She looked taken aback. I had never spoken to her that way before…but then again, she had never made me this angry before.

"You have no idea what is for my own good," I sneered, bringing my voice back to normal level, the tears still falling uncontrollably.

"Bella, I'm your mother" –

I cut her off, "And I'm 18! You had no right to keep this from me!"

"I was only trying to protect you!" she cried in earnest.

"Protect me from what, mom? When's the last time you saw my father? When's the last time you talked to Charlie? What did he do that was so fucking unforgiveable!?"

"Watch your language!"

"Like hell I will! Answer me!" I slammed my fist on the table once again. I had never been so angry in my life. I had never felt so betrayed – and by the only person I trusted.

"Bella I don't want you to get hurt…" she said softly.

"Bullshit!" I screamed, the tears coming faster, "That's complete bullshit! You don't know him, you don't know anything about him!"

"You don't either!" She yelled.

"But I want to! I've always wanted to! I've never fit in here mom; I've never felt comfortable! I want to know who he is!"

"Oh, please, Bella! Don't be melodramatic! You've always had this superiority complex; you've always played the martyr. Well I'm tired of it. You're father never knew about you because I didn't want him in my life, and I still don't. I think you're being selfish and ungrateful. I've given you everything you've ever asked for, and it's not enough – it never is! I just don't know what to do with you, Bella. Things aren't always sunny, okay? Maybe if you made an effort to fit in with people your age you'd have better success. Stop moping around here and grow up, because I'm tired of this."

She spoke calmly, but her voice was deadly. I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I couldn't believe that my mother was talking to me like this – trivializing my feelings. I had never felt so alone in my life.

Letting out a choked sob before I could realize it, I turned and headed for the garage. I slipped on a pair of flip-flops, vaguely aware that I was still in pajama shorts and a tank top. I didn't care.

I grabbed my bike, holding the letter tightly in my hand. I wouldn't let it go for all the world. The tears fell as I started peddling. I wasn't sure where I was going, and I didn't care. My tears and the workout from the bike were making my breath short and choppy. My vision was blurred as I made my way through the streets that I knew so well. I pushed my legs harder and faster, until they were screaming at me to stop.

I didn't know how long I'd been riding but when I came to a halt I realized I was in front of Peter and Charlotte's bookstore. Letting out a strangled laugh I rushed to the door, grateful for the sanctuary.

I wiped my eyes furiously as I tried to control my breathing. There were a few people in the store but it was quiet. Perfect.

Peter saw me walk in and his face held concern at my appearance. I walked over to him. "Bella, is everything all right?"

I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want to spill my guts either, "I just had a fight with my mom. I needed to get out, is it okay if I hang here for awhile?"

Peter smiled in understanding and nodded, "I believe you're favorite bean bag chair is unoccupied."

I laughed at his kindness and looked over my shoulder to find that "my" chair was empty, located quite perfectly in the literature section. I nodded in appreciation and made my way over, sinking down into the familiar comfort.

With shaking hands I held out the letter in front of me, really looking at it for the first time. The writing on the front was manly, yet elegant. I smiled as I ran my hand over my name. He had written "Isabella Swan".

That alone brought tears to my eyes, and gave me courage to open the letter. He had accepted the fact that I was his daughter. Pulling the single piece of paper out, I snuggled deeper into the beanbag chair and prepared for either the best or worst news.

_Dear Bella,_

_(I'm assuming that's what you're called since you signed your letter that way.)_

_To say that your letter was a bit of a shock would be an understatement – however, I want to say right off the bat that I'm glad that you contacted me, even if it has been 18 years in the making._

_Your mother told you the truth, I had no idea that you existed, believe me, I wouldn't have stayed in hiding if I had. I realize that this is new to the both of us, and I can't say that I don't feel awkward – I don't really know where to begin and what to say. But I would love to try; I would love to know you._

_You mentioned your mother being remarried. Please know that I am happy for her and that I don't want to take away from the family you have already formed. I don't have to be your father if you don't want me to be, but I would love to at least be your friend, Bella._

_I supposed I should tell you something about me. I'm the police chief here in Forks, Washington and I'm very proud of my job. I love the town and the people in it and it's satisfying work. _

_I tend to keep to myself, but I have a few good friends in Forks and on the Indian Reservation just outside our town._

_I would love to know more about you Bella. I'm sorry to say that there's not much for me to tell, but please know that I want to hear from you. I want to know your life. I'm looking forward to hearing from you._

_Charlie_

_p.s.- Don't worry; I say 'shit' all the time._

I wiped the last remaining tears off my cheeks. Suddenly, everything didn't seem so bad anymore. Charlie wanted to know me.

He said he didn't need to be my dad if I didn't want him to be – little did he know that not only did I desire that more than anything, but I needed it from him.

I swelled with pride as he talked of his profession, and smiled in camaraderie when he said he kept to himself. I found myself envisioning the town of Forks as utter perfection and exactly what I was looking for.

I hugged the letter to my chest, feeling more hope than I had ever felt. Charlie wanted to talk to me. He wanted to be my dad. And if everything went according to plan – my plan – I could escape my personal hell, eventually.

I got up and walked over to the books and picked up a copy of 'Pride and Prejudice' deciding that this was the perfect way to spend my afternoon. I no longer found my haircut appealing. But as I sat down with the book that I had read nearly twenty times I found that I couldn't concentrate. I was already writing my letter in my head.

Unable to keep the goofy grin off my face I stared absently at the words before me as I stared my next letter in my head.

_Dear Charlie…_

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**A/N: All right... what do you guys think? I would LOVE feedback. I was kind of nervous with this chap because I wanted Renee to seem manipulative and someone who kind of has a Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde personality, but I didn't want it to be overdramtic to the point of stupid. And also Charlie's letter, I was trying to hold back a bit because I didn't want it to seem cheesy, so success? No? Let me know! Reviews are great if you got 'em!**


	5. I'll Tell You If You Tell Me

**A/N: All right. While I love the alerts (seriously they're awesome and I'm just glad some people are interested in this) I have to say that it would be suppppppppper great if you guys could give me some feedback. If you don't like the story, it's cool, I just need to know if people aren't enjoying it. I'm not trying to be a review whore or anything (I really don't think that 6 reviews makes that even possible) but honestly it makes this whole thing a lot more fun when I hear what you guys think!**

**Huge thanks to Sun08. She was the only one to review last chapter, and one of the only reasons this chapter came out so fast. (yes this is fast).**

**Disclaimer: smeyer owns.**

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She knew. She had to know. It'd been four weeks and nothing – not a single thing. I had written her letter from 'Charlie' the very night I had read hers to him. Anxious to get it over with before I changed my mind, I had even dropped it off at the post office late that night.

I spent the ride home from the hospital that Friday torturing myself with the decision that had undoubtedly fallen in my hands. Did I ignore the letter completely or write back? And if I did write back, in what capacity? Did I write as myself? As the hospital administration? As Charlie's doctor? As Charlie?

Ha! That's a good one…

But the more I thought about it, the more I justified it. I don't know if there was something in the water that day or what, because now I was a nervous fucking wreck waiting for…something, anything in response.

By the time I reached my house I was determined. I had resolved that writing as Charlie was the best way and therefore the only way. If I were to ignore her completely she would think that her father didn't care about her. If I were to write back as myself she would probably be upset that I was opening her father's mail, and she wouldn't write back. If I wrote as the administration or as Charlie's doctor she would find out right away about Charlie's current condition and be scared away. Either that or I would be personally responsible for and eighteen year old having a breakdown. So that left me with one option…writing to her as Charlie.

Yes it was ill thought out. Yes it was probably one of the stupidest things I've done. What kind of father tells their daughter they say 'shit' too? I smirked to myself as I realized that if anyone were to say that, it _would_ be Charlie. But that's beside the point; I did decide to write back as Charlie. And now I had to pay the consequence. Waiting. Fucking waiting.

_Get a hold of yourself, Cullen! _I thought to myself_. The girl doesn't know. She couldn't possibly_. I knew that she had never spoken to her father before, so it's not like she could compare my letter to previous conversations. I just had to keep my cool. If she wrote back, great, if not, then at least I did my part.

It was late. Or early, rather. Three in the morning to be exact. Night shift was the worst - there wasn't much to do besides make rounds, and therefore I was a slave to my thoughts as I had been for the past couple of weeks. And as much as I wanted to brush the whole thing off, I couldn't help but feel some sort of dull ache whenever I thought about this situation.

What if she didn't write back? More importantly, why did I care? I didn't know this girl. She was barely legal and had disclosed little to no information in her letter. Why was I so invested? Eventually I reasoned that it was because Charlie was a friend and I wanted to do right by him. However, I was so tired that I wasn't entirely sure whether or not I was lying to myself.

I wasn't aware that I had been making my way towards Charlie's room, but alas, that's where I had ended up. Funny things those Freudian slips, aren't they? I hadn't seen him in a couple of days. I was trying to get my mind off of the damn letter, to no avail.

I strolled casually into his room and prepared to take my seat on the most uncomfortable chair known to man when I noticed something sitting on the offending chair. My eyes nearly bugged out of my head at the sight of the soft green paper.

I grasped for the letter frantically, afraid that it would disappear before my eyes if I didn't. The past four weeks didn't matter. She had written back, that's what counted. Not even thinking twice about it – or bothering to be careful – I ripped the envelope to shreds and pulled out its matching counterpart. My eyes roamed the paper frantically at first, not able to start anywhere in particular. Once I resigned myself enough to read calmly, I proceeded.

_Dear Charlie,_

_I'm so excited, this letter may come out in a jumbled mess. You'll have to forgive me. First of all, you have no idea how much it means to me that you wrote me back. Thank you. Secondly, Charlie, I would love to be able to think of you at least as a friend, if not a fatherly figure as well. I understand if this is too much for you, so let me know if I'm going overboard. Did I mention I'm excited?_

_I have to say that while I'd hoped, I never actually thought you would write me back, that you'd want to talk to me like this. You may not think there's much interesting about you, but I want to know every little thing about you. I would love to know where I got my penchant for reading from…was that you? Or how about my love for motorcycles? Is that from you? Renee can't stand them and won't let me have one, but I can't help it…I feel so free! …Wow, that was corny, wasn't it? _

_So you said you wanted to know about me. Well, I just graduated high school…I think I already told you that, though…I love to cook. Italian is my favorite! No offense, but I guarantee you that you haven't tasted Chicken Parmesan until you've tasted mine. Renee doesn't like to cook at all (and truth be told she's not all that great at it) so I pretty much taught myself. What else…as mentioned before I love to read. The classics are my all time favorites – Jane Austen all the way. Woo! – but I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy a good mystery/thriller. I love listening to music, but I wish I knew how to make it. I want to learn how to play the guitar, or maybe the piano._

_Anyways, I don't want to overload you, but if you write me back I promise to give you more information! Sound like a deal? Seriously, Charlie, thank you for writing. I'll look forward to hearing from you._

_Sincerely,_

_Bella_

_p.s. – I think it's pretty kick-ass that you're a cop. _

_p.s.s – How about 'ass'? Is 'ass' okay?_

My cheeks hurt. Why did my cheeks hurt? I relaxed the muscles in my face and just like that the pain was gone…I had been smiling. Smiling. This girl had me smiling talking about Jane Austen and Chicken Parmesan. She was…fun. She was cute. She was full of life. I found myself wishing that there was more to the letter, just to read more of what she had to say.

But while I loved her simple yet captivating letter, I found my heart a bit heavy. She hadn't divulged much information about her mother, but she seemed eager for Charlie's affection. I made a mental note to ask about her life in Arizona when I wrote back.

Wait, when I wrote back? I checked over my shoulder in vain – there was no one there and I knew there wouldn't be. I had all the time in the world. I ran to the nurse's station and grabbed a yellow tablet of paper and a pen making my way back towards Charlie's room. It was creeping closer to four. I had a little over two hours of my shift left, plenty of time to write this letter and make one last set of rounds.

I paused, pen in hand, over the paper for a second, not sure exactly what to say, but as soon as I began, it just came out.

_Dear Bella,_

_I was very glad to hear that you're so excited to be in contact with me. I can't imagine waiting 18 years to speak with someone; that must have been rough. I wonder why Renee never told you about me? Or the other way around now that I mention it._

_You said that you do all the cooking, that's quite a responsibility! Has it always been that way? It sounds like you enjoy it though…_

_While I can't say that I condone the riding of motorcycles – I've seen more human road kill than can be acceptable – I'm glad that you've found something that makes you feel 'free', as you put it. So in answer to your question, no the motorcycle fascination did not come from me._

_I also must tell you that you did not get your reading and partialities from me. I'm not the best reader in the world…don't enjoy it that much to be honest. I was surprised to hear though that you're a mystery/thriller fan. I suppose I shouldn't be since I know next to nothing about you, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was impressed._

_So now the deal is that I have to tell you something about me, right? Well as you know I'm the police chief here in Forks. I love to fish; I go fishing with my friend Billy almost every weekend. Billy is part of the Quileutes tribe; they live on a reservation right outside of Forks. A lot of my friends live over there._

_There's not a lot of kids your age here, but I think you'd like it. At least, I hope you would. It's cold and rainy a lot of the time, but it's really beautiful around here. Maybe I'll send you some pictures sometimes._

_Well that's my information for this round, I'll steal your deal…write back and I'll give you more._

_Sincerely,_

_Charlie_

_p.s. – Being a cop just became a lot cooler…and yes, ass is okay. But don't tell your mother I said so._

I folded the letter and stuffed it in an envelope before I could change my mind. Writing in the mind frame of Charlie was hard in some ways and easy in others. It was hard in the sense that I had no idea what Charlie would actually say to some of the things that Bella addressed in her letters and therefore it was difficult to respond. I found myself torn between how much information was too much, and sharing enough to satiate this girl's need to speak with her father. It was easy in the sense that I was eager to tell her about me – er, Charlie – and I was even more eager to hear her answer my questions.

In one swipe, I licked the envelope and sealed it shut. I tucked it away in my pocket for safe-keeping. The last thing I needed was to lose this letter. While I had personally become resolved to my actions, I wasn't sure how others would take them.

Making my rounds and finishing up my shift was cake. My step was somewhat lighter having thoughts of Bella and her little green envelopes pushed out of my mind, or at least further into the recesses of it.

I drove home, stopping by the post office to mail the letter, and made myself comfortable, ready for a nice…long…nap. I had just settled into my bed, eyes drooping, when my cell phone chirped.

_Damnit. I forgot to silence it again!_

My hand reached away from my body as I padded around my nightstand blindly for my phone. Once found, I brought the offending device to my face.

**Dinner tonight at Mom and Dad's! 7 sharp! Be there big bro!**

I smiled in spite of myself at my sister's text. She and Emmett were my best friends and I wouldn't change that for the world. After we had all moved out of our parent's house, family dinners became significantly sparser than before – and with my father and I both working at the hospital it was now even less of an occurrence.

I switched my phone onto silent and snuggled down in my covers for my desired sleepy time.

"I thought I said seven sharp," the little pixie was standing on the other side of the door to my parent's house, hand fisted on her hip.

"It's five after seven, Ali, relax," I smiled and went to ruffle her hair.

That got her, she flashed her pearly whites and smacked my hand away, "Edward Anthony don't you dare!"

I chuckled and took my hand away, instead scooping her up in my arms like the little doll that she was and giving her a big hug. She was torn between hugging me back and yelling at me to put her down…so she settled for a bit of both.

"Starting early, are we children?" My older brother came into view.

"Yes Em, you _would_ be the resident advisor on maturity levels." Alice quipped.

Emmett just shrugged and pulled me in for a 'man-hug'. Once our greetings were all said and done the three of us walked further into the house to find our parents and get comfortable.

"Edward!" My mother greeted me with a smile from behind the island in the kitchen.

"Hey mom," I walked up and kissed her on the cheek.

"How was your shift last night? You're father told me you were working night." She asked sympathetically. She hated when I worked nights almost as much as I did.

I nodded as I munched on a carrot, "It wasn't too bad. Got a tad boring towards the end, but I guess that's better than the alternative."

"The alternative?" Emmett asked.

"Yea, you know, like someone dying or having serious problems."

"Oh man, that would've been cool! Action-packed hospital like you see on T.V.!"

"Which is why _you_ did not and should never become a doctor."

"Yea, yea yea…"

After a few minutes of chatting and my father walking in to greet us all, we sat down to a feast of a dinner. We said a quick grace and started filling our plates, the conversation picking up easily. After a few minutes, though, it turned towards a direction that I very much wanted to steer away from.

"The weirdest thing happened today," Carlisle started.

"What's that?" Alice asked.

"Well, you know how Charlie Swan is in the hospital, right?"

Everyone nodded. I tried to keep my eyes from bulging out of my head, this could not be good.

"He got a strange piece of mail yesterday, one with a return address from out of state – Kate couldn't remember where – and so she put this letter or whatever it was in his room. Well Billy Black came today to bring some stuff over for Charlie and when Kate went to give him the letter, it was gone. She said she had put it there the day before but no one remembers seeing it…"

My fists clenched under the table. I had stopped eating. How could I be so stupid?! Of _course_ someone put the letter there and would notice it missing!

"That is weird. Do you think it was some kid?" Emmett asked.

Carlisle shook his head, "No. We have a very professional environment set up in the hospital, not many kids come around looking for trouble. Plus, even if they tried, you need to show I.D. before you enter that wing of the hospital."

"Did it perhaps fall somewhere?" Esme offered.

Once again Carlisle shook his head, "Kate said she looked everywhere.

"Maybe someone took it," Alice said.

Carlisle shrugged, "I guess. But who would want to steal that? It holds no value to anyone else."

Esme and Emmett were perched normally, chewing their food. Carlisle looked somewhat contemplative, but mostly unbothered. Alice, however, was fingering her fork while she stared straight ahead, obviously in deep thought. After a few moments she looked at me with huge eyes, "Do you know anything about this, Edward?"

I coughed unnecessarily. "Nope. No. Not a thing…" I said too quickly.

_Shit. Shit, shit, shit! Why couldn't I just play it cool? Because you're a nervous wreck, that's why!_

I looked around the table; no one seemed to notice my lack of cool, except maybe Alice. She was staring at me. Great. Just great.

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**Sooooo....what do you think? I'm trying to move the story along...really, I am.**


	6. My Favorite Things

**A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews/alerts/and favorites for last chapter!!! I'm glad that people like the story, and I'm glad to have gotten some good feedback on some people who are a bit skeptical. Soooo thanks! you guys are great!**

**Special thanks once again to Sun08 for the encouragement. Really, it may not seem like a big deal to you, but it means a lot. So thanks!**

**Things I learned from last chapter: Don't stay up until 4 am writing. Really, I'm glad you all liked it, but I was on something else... ha! Here's to hoping this one's better...**

**Disclaimer: smeyer owns.**

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**B**

Renee wasn't speaking to me.

That's just fine, because I wasn't speaking to her either.

What. The. Fuck? She knew! She knew that I had been waiting for that letter. Renee's pulled some crazy stunts over the years, but never like this. She had never betrayed me like this.

Yea, that's what I thought of it as… a betrayal. How could she stand there every day while I flipped through the mail and not have said anything? Why did she think that she had the right to tell me what to do? I was eighteen, and if I wanted to contact my birth father, there was nothing she could do about it.

Maybe if she had had a reason. But she didn't. She sat there and flat out told me that he wasn't a bad guy. And honestly, at this point, after getting his letter, nothing could convince me otherwise. He wanted to get to know me. He wanted me. Even if it wasn't as a daughter, he still took the time to talk to me, and that made me feel happier and more wanted than any other lone act in my entire life.

It'd been a week since the fiasco with my mother and I had taken to checking the mail myself everyday. I walked outside and made my way down to the mailbox noting the considerable drop in temperature over the past couple of weeks. It was still hot as hell, but it was a bit more comfortable now that we were creeping up on mid-October.

I opened the mailbox, trying not to get my hopes up. I knew he would write. At least, I was fairly sure, he said he wanted to know me. My letters had been awkward – to say the least – and yet he wrote back the first time, why wouldn't he this time?

When I had first set out to do this, I didn't think about the fact that I would be talking to someone that was such a part of me, yet I knew nothing about. I had no idea how to start and end the letter, let alone fill in the middle. So I decided to just wing it. And when I got his letter back and read his equal state of awkwardness I was sure that he was my father.

I flipped through the mail as I made my way back up the driveway. I stopped when I came to a small envelope with elegant yet still masculine scrawl on the front. Jackpot!

_Isabella Swan._

I loved that he put Swan.

I practically ran all the rest of the way up the driveway, threw down the mail, yelled to Renee that I was going out, and was back out of the house again. I grabbed my bike out of the garage, fastened the letter securely in my pocket and made my way to the only sanctuary I had in Phoenix.

I walked into Charlotte's Web and expected to see Peter or Charlotte behind the counter, but I was instead greeted by a new face. He was handsome – very handsome – with blonde hair, blue eyes, and sharp features. He was at the very least, intimidating, if not scary in his appearance. Still, there was something intriguing about him.

Being the only person in the bookstore my staring was quite obvious. Not wanting to seem rude I gave a small wave and went to make my way back to my special chair. Just as I was about to start walking though, Charlotte came out from the back room.

"Bella!" She called excitedly.

I smiled back genuinely, "Hello Charlotte, how are you?"

"Oh I'm wonderful, dear. Having a bit of a slow day today, but that happens every once in awhile."

I nodded in understanding as a quiet fell over us. Just as I was about to excuse myself the boy from before cleared his throat.

"Oh of course!" Charlotte exclaimed, "Bella, I would like you to meet my nephew, James."

I took a step forward and extended my hand towards the boy who was now sporting a smile… at least I think it was a smile.

"Nice to meet you," I said politely.

"You too."

"James will be helping Peter and I out for the summer before he goes back to University in the fall."

"That's great. What school do you go to?" I asked curiously.

"Washington State."

"What are you there for?"

"I'm still undecided. I'll be going into my sophomore year this year, I'm hoping to figure it out soon."

I nodded, "That's great."

"Are you in school?" He asked.

I shook my head, "I just graduated high school this year, but I'm not really sure what I want to do next year – whether or not I want to attend college this fall."

"That's cool. Do you not know what you want to do…" He trailed of in question.

"No it's not that, I'm just looking for a change. A very big change. And I'm not quite sure in what form it's coming yet."

"Right. Well, you let me know if your interested in Washington State. Go Cougars!" He said sardonically.

I nodded. This conversation was weird. It was cordial and uncomfortable and really all I wanted to do was read my letter, "Yea, definitely." I said as I started to back away, "Maybe I'll see you around, James. Good to see you, Charlotte!"

With that I turned and booked it to the fiction section. Maybe after this I would be able to go home and get some writing done. I hadn't been doing so well in the past several weeks. This thing with Charlie – and subsequently, Renee – had put me in a funk. I was hoping that getting into a routine with Charlie would give me the push I needed to get started again.

I settled into the chair and pulled out the letter. I read through it quickly. And then I read it again. And just for good measure, I read it one more time.

The letter read awkward, and jumbled, and it was absolutely perfect. He didn't harp on the fact that Renee never told him about me. He had never gotten angry about that. He made mention of it, and I'm sure that he was curious. I vowed to tell him one day, but I was loving how things were going with him. I didn't want to ruin it. He just wanted to know me. He seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say and even though we didn't seem to have too much in common it was nice to know that that didn't necessarily matter to him. He wanted to know me regardless.

I shot up out of my chair and raced through the front door of the store, yelling a quick goodbye to whoever was standing behind the counter. I raced home on my bike, eager to get my letter out. Charlie had given me an idea in his letter that I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of before. It made me nervous and kind of excited at the same time… I couldn't wait.

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**E**

Alice hadn't said anything. Thank God. Maybe I was just being paranoid. Maybe she had no clue. I mean really, how could she? It's not like it would be a normal conclusion for her to draw.

I left shortly after dessert and on the ride home I couldn't keep my mind off the conversation from dinner. I hadn't really thought about it before – well, that's a lie, I had, but the full weight of it never hit me – this was one seriously fucked up situation that I had gotten myself into.

Really, who does this? Who pretends to be someone else? Eventually the truth would come out. It had to. I can't keep writing to her forever, she'll probably want to see Charlie at some point…

My breath caught in my throat as I let out an audible gasp.

Holy. Shit.

I never even thought about that.

How the FUCK did I not think of that?!

Of course if I kept writing to her she'd want to come see me…er, Charlie.

I groaned as the situation hit me like a ton of bricks. How did I not consider every possible outcome? Why didn't I tell the truth from the beginning? My reasoning had seemed so right, so solid when I made it. I thought for sure that this was the right thing to do. This girl wanted her father. I knew her father, quite well in fact, and so it just seemed like the best option.

I made the rest of the drive battling with myself, but by the time I got home I was steeled in my resolve. I had to tell her the truth. I just had to. She would have to understand…even if she hated me, she'd still have Charlie. My next letter to her would contain the truth.

Damn it.

Damn it all to hell!

I was ready to tell her the truth. I was ready to come clean because I didn't want to get myself in any further than I already had.

But then I got her letter.

And she was just… adorable.

And then I saw that she included her picture.

And she was just… absolutely beautiful.

I was convinced that I had never seen someone more beautiful than her in my entire life. She had long mahogany hair that flowed down over her shoulders and framed her face perfectly. Her smile was bright and held laughter, her cheeks were rosy in color and plump in shape, making her heart shaped face look young and alive. But her eyes, her eyes sparkled deep chocolate pools. She looked like she had a million secrets. She looked like trouble. She looked absolutely perfect.

And after seeing her picture, I couldn't. I couldn't be responsible for making those bright eyes dim or that pearly smile falter. And it wasn't because I didn't think she could handle it or that she wouldn't get over it. It was because for some reason, even unbeknownst to me, I couldn't bear the thought of her hating me.

Yes, I was a selfish bastard. Yes, I was playing a dangerous game. Yes, I could, at any moment, get caught, but for some reason, I couldn't find it in me to care. At least not enough to make me stop.

I was sitting at the foot of Charlie's bed with Bella's letter in my hand. I had been talking to him about her every day, even though I knew very little. It didn't matter. As I looked at Charlie I knew that he was a good man. He had been a friend of the family's for as long as I can remember.

Some people were turned off by our wealth in such a small town. They were quick to judge. I guess it made them feel less inferior. Either way, Charlie had always been a friend, always been there for my family. I knew that he would love Bella with all his heart. I knew that he would never turn her away.

I fisted my hand in my hair in frustration as I thought of Bella and Charlie as two separate people. They both needed each other. She was vulnerable. He didn't have any family. Why did this situation have to pan out like this? My mistakes aside, why couldn't Bella and Charlie have that relationship? Why did it take so long for her to contact him? And why, when she finally did, did he have to be a vegetable?

I was careful not to take the letter with me this time and instead I waited until I was sure I was alone and read it in Charlie's room… to Charlie. I figured if anything would bring him back, this would.

I read over the letter once more, smiling in spit of myself. She had named this letter "The Favorite Letter", including all her favorites from sports – which she actually didn't have an answer for since she hated them all – to dessert – which happened to be peanut butter brownies. She had said that her favorite color was yellow because it was such a happy vibrant color. She said that her favorite food was Mushroom Ravioli because until she was old enough to make dinner for her and Renee – and eventually Phil – she and Renee would go out every Wednesday night to a small Italian place in Phoenix and Renee would always order the Chicken Cacciatore and would always order Bella the Mushroom Ravioli because she could never decide between the two, so they would just split their dinners. Bella said that it just eventually grew on her. Her favorite book of all time was Pride and Prejudice. Her favorite music was 70's rock, but she threw in that she enjoyed classical music too. She said that her favorite season was fall, even though the weather didn't change too much in Phoenix it was still such an exciting time of year. She said that her favorite movie was Romeo and Juliet and told me not to laugh at her being in love with the romantics.

She was easy to listen to. The information was simple, yet I wanted to know more. I felt my resolve slipping with each passing word. By the end of the letter I had justified my actions into the middle of next week. There was a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that what I was doing was wrong, but I just kept telling it to shut up.

At the end of the letter, Bella asked for Charlie's email address. I had panicked a bit at first, not knowing what to do. I couldn't very well give her my email address and I didn't know the password to Charlie's email address – but that's when I remembered that Charlie wouldn't be caught dead with and email account. It was kind of perfect actually because I wouldn't technically be lying.

And after that I knew that my once steeled resolve had officially crumbled. I folded up the letter and placed it gently back into the envelope setting it by Charlie's bed.

"Hey Eddie!"

I turned, startled, to see Tanya walking into the room. I hadn't even heard her coming; usually I could hear her from a mile away. I guess I was more wrapped up in my thoughts than I thought.

"Tanya," I nodded cordially.

"So, our shifts are almost over. I was wondering if you'd want to get a drink with me and some of the other nurses?" she asked.

I cleared my throat uncomfortably, "I don't think so, Tanya. But thanks for the offer."

She nodded her head the plastic smile a little too forced, "All right, well if you change your mind we'll be at O'Malley's."

"Driving out to Port Angeles?" I asked a bit surprised.

"Well yea, it's Friday night. Plus it's not like there's anywhere to go in Forks."

I nodded my head in agreement, "True."

"So you'll come?"

Wait, what? "No. I've got stuff to do tonight. But thank you again for the offer."

She huffed, "All right. Fair enough."

We stood there in silence for a few moments. Tanya was blocking the door.

"So how's the chief doing today?"

I rolled my eyes. Tanya never came to visit Charlie. In fact, she and her friends were always giving him a hard time when we were in high school. She didn't even blink and eye when Charlie ended up in the hospital. No skin off her nose.

Her intentions really bothered me. Like I couldn't see right through her…what did she take me for?

"Same as yesterday," I replied tersely.

She nodded her head a - what I think was supposed to be – sad look crossed her features as she took a couple of steps towards the bed. She went over and planted a kiss on his cheek.

Ew.

"It's such a shame. He was such a good man."

Holy shit. This girl was shameless, "He's not dead yet, Tanya."

She turned to me, "I know. It's just so tragic."

I'd had enough, "Yea, all right. Let's get out of here."

I turned, expecting her to follow me when her voice made me stop dead in my tracks. "What's this?"

I whipped around to see her taking the letter out of the green envelope. Panic raced through me as I dashed to the bed and took the letter before she got to read it.

"What the hell was that?" She asked incredulously.

"That's Charlie's." I stated hypocritically. But she couldn't read it. She just couldn't.

"And Charlie's in a coma. Plus it's already opened." She reached for the letter again but I jerked it away.

As I did, Bella's picture fell out of the envelope. I went to pick it up but she beat me to it.

"Who's this?" she asked.

I just stared at her. I couldn't tell her I knew who it was. Then she'd know I read the letter.

I was saved from answering though when she flipped the picture over and read the handwritten message on the back that I hadn't noticed was there before.

"So Charlie, tell me…do I look like you?" She read. Then just under, "Isabella Swan, 2008. Holy Shit. The chief has a daughter?"

I tried to act surprised, "Um, wow, I guess so."

Tanya eyed me for a moment before turning her attention back to the picture and scoffing, "She definitely looks like the chief."

I tried to keep my temper down, "Something tells me that's not a compliment, Tanya."

She just shrugged.

I snatched the picture away from her, put it back in the envelope and set it back down next to Charlie. "Come on, let's go."

"Fine. Pushy."

I made sure she walked in front of me and as we exited the room I turned the lights out and closed the door. That was way too close.

Still though, I couldn't get Bella's letter out of my head. I knew I was going to write back. And I knew it was all kinds of wrong. I also knew that with every step forward that I took, I was digging myself a very deep grave. But for right now, I could talk to her, even if it was as her father. And even though my reasons were mostly selfish, I drew satisfaction from the fact that I was giving her closure.

Everything I told her about Charlie was true, and I was determined not to lie to her about him – because the lie I already had going had me in deep enough water as it was.

Part of me was disgusted with myself for being enthralled with a girl who had no idea I existed. The other part couldn't bring myself to care.

********************************

**B**

Charlie didn't have email. That left me equal parts frustrated and enchanted. I wanted to hear from him sooner. I wanted to talk to him every day. I was too chicken to ask for his phone number, since talking on the phone could get very awkward very fast and I didn't want to ruin what we had gotten going in only a few short letters time.

He wrote back a letter similar to the one I wrote him. He included that his favorite sport was fishing, that if he thought he could make enough money off of it, he would do it as a career. The only thing he liked to watch on the television was sports and sports highlights and even though I'd hated sports for most of my life – after finding out they had some sort of vendetta against me since birth – I found myself wishing I could be there to watch them with him. In my mind's eye I could see this man that I had created a visual of getting excited because his team won, or getting angry because they made a bad play.

He thanked me for my picture, told me that I looked nothing like him and that it was a good thing because otherwise I wouldn't have turned out so beautifully. My heart soared at his compliment. My mother told me I was beautiful, but it was often accompanied by 'but you'd look even better if you wore your hair like this' or 'but I wish you'd put some effort into your looks so others could see it'.

He said that his favorite meal was lasagna, and that his favorite pastime was sitting around the campfire on the reservation with his buddies telling stories. I found myself wanting to see everything he talked about, wanting to meet his friends, and wanting to hear – first hand – these stories.

I wondered how long was long enough before I could ask to visit him as I drummed my fingers across my laptop keys. There was no doubt in my mind that I at least wanted to visit him. Truth be told, I wanted to live with him. But I was too scared to admit it out loud, and definitely too scared to ask. It hadn't even been two months since we started talking.

Still though, if he asked, I'd be there in a second.

"Hey Bells, working on your writing again?" James asked as he walked up to me.

I had started writing almost the minute after I finished Charlie's last letter. I felt inspired. But, still not wanting to be around Renee, I had taken to bringing my laptop to Charlotte's Web and spending most of my day writing in my favorite chair.

I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before. My days – for the most part – were complete bliss. I was surrounded by everything that mattered to me. And even though that may sound lonely and somewhat desolate, I was happy. For the first time in I don't know how long, I was just happy being me.

This was the part I didn't like so much – James. He had apparently taken a liking to me. It was still better than being at home, but I kind of wished he would just leave me alone. Something about him unsettled me, he made me uncomfortable. It was just a vibe, not based on anything he had done, per say. But still, the guy gave me the creeps.

"Sure am," I replied cheerfully. I tried not to be cold; I had no basis for my feelings towards the guy.

"That's cool. You going to get published?"

I shrugged as I took a long sip of my strawberry lemonade, "Cross your fingers."

"Will do," he flashed me his feral smile and turned towards the front of the store as Peter called him back to work.

I watched him walk away. Why did I have such a problem with him? Maybe that's why people didn't like me very much. Maybe I was too judgmental. Maybe I needed to not be so paranoid. As I took a contemplative sip of my sweet drink I decided that I was going to make an effort to be more open to people. I still wanted out. And I still wanted to get as far away from Phoenix as possible, but maybe this could be the start of a new and improved Bella. I was going to try and make some friends, starting with James.

*************************

**hmmmmmmm........ James? A friend?**

**I'd love to hear what you guys think!**


	7. I Want S'More

**A/N: Thank you guys so much for your support! It means tons more than you could know. Your reviews make me downright giddy...and I don't do giddy.**

**Soooo...let's address some questions I've been getting:**

**1. How old is Edward? Edward in this story is 26. Bella is 18. Yes it's a big difference, if you care, I'm sorry but that's too bad.**

**2. Is James going to be evil? Well, I can't answer that! It would give away the story! BUTTTT I will say that just for the record, while I can promise you that this shizz is choc full of all things angst there will be absolutely NO rape, NO abuse, NO cutting or anything like that. **

**3. Is Edward going to get caught/what will happen when he does get caught? Again, I can't answer this because it's the main point of the story. When I started this I wanted to do something that was kind of out there and original. I have no idea if you've read a story like this before but I haven't so I wanted to try it out. Yes, Edward is in deep shit and just getting deeper, but please just stick with me! Obviously things are going to eventually catch up to him...the when where and how? you'll have to read to find out!**

**4. If you think my story is creepy, I'm sorry. I'm trying to explain this and unfold this story slowly but surely and I hope that you'll keep with it!**

**Lastly, I'm SOOOOOO glad for the reviewers who guess how things are going to pan out or give me FRIENDLY suggestions. While I have my story figured out from beginning to end, I definitely take your suggestions into account for the middle part! I want to write something that you all like to read, so I do take plot suggestions into account. I can't promise everything will get used, but you're welcome to tell me what you think!**

**Disclaimer: smeyer owns. **

**--------------------------**

**B**

_Dear Charlie,_

_I see that you also seem to be a member of the Italian Food Addicts club. I don't want to brag or anything, but I make a pretty mean lasagna, too. I really think you'd like it… or at least I hope you would._

_Your life sounds nice, Charlie. It sounds uncomplicated yet filled with meaning and people who love you. I can't attest to the fishing or the bonfires – since I've never done either – but you make it sound fun. Who knows, maybe I'll find someone around here that wants to have a bonfire with me. Although, I'm pretty sure fishing is out of the question. The desert doesn't hold too many opportunities for that particular activity._

_So, since I'm planning on becoming a bonfire expert now, what is it that we do at them? Please tell me that there is no 'Kum Ba Yah' involved, because really, if that's the case then I might retract my efforts. I'm not sure I could handle that. I may however, be able to be persuaded with a s'more. I've never had a real one – over a campfire that is – but Renee made them in the microwave once and they were pretty tasty. Have you ever seen the movie The Sandlot? The part in there about s'mores always makes me laugh. If you've seen it you'll know what I'm talking about, if not, well then I guess you'd better go get it so that I don't sound like a complete moron. Really though, it's a classic. _

_So where are those pictures of the famous Forks hiding? And how about one of you? Please don't tell me you're camera shy. I promise I won't show anyone! I've got to see for myself if what you said about me looking nothing like you is true._

_It's almost Halloween, got any special plans? Are the kids in Forks rowdy hooligans that you have to keep on a short leash? Do you dress up? Do they? I'm not really familiar with small towns… they still go trick-or-treating, right? _

_You let me know if you need some extra hands on deck, I'd be there in a second. _

_Love,_

_Bella_

_p.s. – So this is really awkward to ask you, especially via letter since it will be written down for the rest of time, but I didn't want to assume anything… would it be okay if I called you dad?_

I sighed as I read over the letter gripped firmly in my hands. I had never sounded so comfortable, so candid in my life – let alone on paper, to my father that I had never met that was thousands of miles away. Why did I feel so comfortable talking to him? Why did I drop my normal pretenses? Why had I completely let my guard down within the span of a couple of back and forth's? I sounded at ease and dare I say… witty?

A smile graced my face as I folded the letter and stuffed it in the envelope that I had brought with me. I wasn't going to worry about the whys; I was going to focus on the fact that for the first time in my life I was completely blissed out. I was confident that nothing could stop this feeling. Not Renee's cutting remarks, not Phil's overwhelming ignorance, not the parent's of the little brats at work – nothing.

As I rubbed the stamp onto the envelope I let my finger linger and my smile falter. As happy as I was to have this communication with Charlie I knew I wanted more. I wanted to see him more than anything, but I would settle for hearing his voice. Problem was, I was too chicken shit to ask for his phone number.

I don't know why it felt like such a big deal, but it did and every time I went to pen the request, I fell short. I couldn't do it.

_Maybe next time,_ I thought to myself. Nothing was going to stop me today.

With my confidence back in full force I stood up, letter in hand, and wiped some imaginary dust from my khaki shorts.

_Ugh, I forgot I was still in my work uniform_. I pinched some fabric together near my chest and brought it to my nose. _Ew. I reek._

I quickly bent down and reached into my bag for the small bottle of Freesia body spray that Renee had given me. I guess her antics sometimes came in handy.

Checking over my shoulder to see that no one was watching Bella Swan be vain for five seconds, I quickly doused myself in the floral scent. I dropped the bottle back into my bag, packed my stuff up and slung the heavy sack over my shoulder.

I was just intending to drop the letter of at the post office and come straight back, but my stomach had different plans. It growled loudly as I made my way to the front desk of the bookstore from my coveted spot in the back. I ran over to the counter and handed Charlotte my bag explaining that I would be back in a few minutes time. She took it with a smile, as she always did, and told me that she'd see me soon before returning her attention to the computer she was working on.

I stuffed the letter into the back pocket of my shorts, pulling my vibrant, red, polyester, standard issue polo shirt over it for protection. I was about to walk out the door when I caught James' eye. He was stacking books on one of the front shelves and he gave me a slight smile in acknowledgement. I faltered for a moment and he noticed, giving me his full attention.

I opened my mouth but nothing came out. Maybe this was why I was so socially inept, I couldn't speak to people with out appearing handicapped. I tried a second time with more success, "I was just running to get something to eat. It's dinnertime and I'm hungry," _Cool Bella, he doesn't need justification for your eating habits_, "Can I pick up something for you?"

James smiled his wicked smile. It turned out to be less scary once you got used to it. "Actually, I could come with you…" he trailed off. I noticed he had a tendency to end sentences like that.

Again with the mouth open and the no sound coming out. I wanted to say that he didn't have to, that I was fine by myself and that I didn't want to impose on him – all of course would be cleverly designed euphemisms for 'no I'm not completely comfortable around you yet and getting dinner together is going to be weird'. Of course, though, he seized the silence as his opportunity to tell his Aunt Charlotte that we would be right back after grabbing a bite.

_Just great._

I sighed, following James out of the store.

_Weren't you the one that wanted to make friends?_

_Yes._

_Then get your ass out there and get some dinner with the only guy that's ever shown any interest in you!_

_Right._

'_Atta girl._

**E**

I have never been more grateful for my full head of hair than I am at this moment. Bella Swan was going to be the death of me, and if that's too dramatic she was at least going to be the cause of a very large bald spot in the center of my head.

My nervous habit was becoming a tick and it became more and more frequent with every passing day. In a couple of months time Bella Swan had become the focal point of my world without me even realizing it. If I wasn't waiting for her letters, I was contemplating what I'd say in mine, or berating myself for my actions. And after this particular letter I was honestly surprised that I hadn't pulled the hair right off of my head.

I had decided to open the letter at the beginning of my shift today instead of the end. I just couldn't wait to see what she had written. This girl was bewitching me and hell if I knew how to stop it. I knew nearly nothing about her, but from the very first letter I sensed her vulnerability between the lines and I had never wanted to reach out to someone more in my life. And then as she included small and seemingly meaningless details of her life on her lovely stationary, I found myself smiling or frowning as the occasion called for it – completely entrenched in whatever it was she had to say. Finally, when she had sent her picture last time, I was sure that I had lost it. She was 18. She was a child. She was barely out of high school, yet I had never felt such an attraction to another being before in my life – and I had yet to meet her.

In thinking the situation over throughout the past couple of days after I had written her my 'favorites' letter, I decided that had it not been for the pull – or whatever you wanted to call it – it would have been easy to keep a straight head and do what was best for everyone. It was what I was good at – breaking the news to people. It was something that I had prided myself on – being able to be compassionate, yet straightforward. It would have been easy to let any other person know that their father was in the hospital, to give them the clinical terms for their loved ones condition. But this wasn't anyone. This was Bella Swan. I had absolutely no idea why that made a difference. But it did. And that scared the living shit out of me.

Still though, I wasn't completely dense. I knew that what I was doing was wrong. And in the back of my mind, I even knew that it would come back to bite me in the ass. But as I checked over my shoulder this morning to make sure no one would see me and read the letter aloud to Charlie quietly, all logical thought regarding right and wrong and ethics left my mind.

I smiled as she commented on his life, and I too wondered if Charlie had seen The Sandlot. I laughed at her assessment of small towns as I recalled some of the pranks we used to play on our neighbors when Emmett and me were kids. Once I finished the letter out loud I read it to myself. She was sweet and candid and funny and everything a young girl ought to be. And then I pulled at my hair in frustration. And then I read it again. And then I looked at Charlie. What would he want me to do?

The answer to that was obvious; yet it was an answer that I didn't even want to think, let alone say out loud or god forbid, act on. Again with the hair pulling.

"Charlie," I sighed in frustration. "I don't know what to do, Chief. I don't know what's right. I mean, I think I know what's _right_, but – I mean, what is that anyway? Is there always just _one_ version of right? Can't there be several different options that won't lead you on the path to hell?

"I don't even know what it is about her," I paused as I looked at the shell of a man that was once great. I felt a surge of emotion pulse through my body as I once again considered the unjustness of his situation. "You would love her, I think. I mean, I don't know much about her – only what I've been reading to you. Still, she seems so full of life. She's smart. I can tell. I'll bet you had something to do with that…

"She says she doesn't have many friends. I honestly can't believe it. She's funny…

I pinched the bridge of my nose as I rested my elbow on my knee. "Chief, you've gotta wake up. She needs you. I know that it's my fault that this is such a jumbled mess, but you have to wake up, for her. I'll come clean, I'll do whatever" –

"Eddie?"

I stopped abruptly, my head shooting up and around to face the plastic face of Tanya.

"What?" It came out harsh, and I didn't mean for it to. She had just startled me.

"I'm headed to lunch, but Dr. Bryant had a question about some paperwork that you handed in the other day."

"Okay. Thank you, Tanya." The tone had become less harsh – just a little though.

She stood there a beat too long like she was waiting for something. Did she expect me to join her for lunch? Hell. No. Not. Happening.

In an effort to get her to leave, I spoke, "Well I guess I'd better get going. Don't want to keep Marcus waiting." I stood yet I made my motions slow and calculated. Tanya had to leave first. I had the letter in my hand still. I was sure that my heart was going to beat out through my chest as I dusted imaginary lint off of my scrubs.

She was standing there still; she looked like she wanted to say something.

"Is there something I can help you with, Tanya?" I asked, my patience growing thin. I could feel the sweat beading at my hairline.

She narrowed her eyes and opened her mouth to say whatever it was that was keeping her in my presence, but she was interrupted.

"Tanya, you ready to go for lunch?" One of the other nurses called from the hallway.

Tanya looked over her shoulder for the briefest of moments, but it was enough time for me to somewhat conceal the letter behind my back. She looked between the hallway and me a couple of times before shaking her head, letting out a sigh, and walking away.

Not one to make the same mistake twice – that is of course in exception to the growing shitfest I had gotten myself into at the moment – I stuffed the letter in the envelope and placed it in the drawer of Charlie's nightstand where the other three lay already forming my next letter in my head.

I was going to hell. Damn it! Why didn't I care?!

**B**

"How do you not remember slap bracelets?" James asked as we were walking back towards the bookstore. It was dark and I was grateful for the relief from the sun. We had played soccer today at the Sport's Center and if I never saw another soccer ball in my life I'm certain that I would die a happy woman.

"Uhh, because I never had one," I said confidently as I stated the obvious.

James shook his head as he sucked his pineapple smoothie through his straw, "That's impossible. Every kid growing up in the 90's had a slap bracelet."

"Not this kid," I smiled, taking a sip of my Strawberry Banana smoothie. Although the sun was gone, the heat still loomed heavily in the hair and I was sure that you could take a knife to the humidity. The icey-fruity concoction felt glorious as it slid down my throat. We had been out for quite awhile, just talking and learning about each other. I was quickly becoming comfortable around James and I was glad for camaraderie we seemed to have acquired.

I wouldn't call us friends yet, but we were getting there. Peter and Charlotte didn't seem to mind me monopolizing James' time, so once the sun had gone down enough we took to walking around the city that was Phoenix.

I lived in a pretty rural part of Phoenix so it wasn't too busy, but there was still a lot around. We had swung by my house during our walk so that I could check the mail and sure enough, there was a letter waiting for me.

I noticed that the letters were coming faster and faster and I'd be lying if I didn't say that excited me. I couldn't wait to read it, but I didn't want to do it in front of James. However, it surprised me that I wasn't getting annoyed or impatient with his company. I wanted to read it, but I could wait until I was alone, whenever I would get the chance.

"How about Skip-It?"

"Nope."

"Pogs?"

I shook my head.

"Bella, you're killing me here. Okay, you're a chick, you had to have an easy bake oven," he eyed me hopefully.

I sighed, "I think Renee bought one one year for Christmas, but I wasn't really interested."

"Okay, okay. Not into the chick thing. Then please tell me you remember Sega Genesis."

I scrunched my face in confusion as I stopped, "What?"

James stopped too…and then looked at me as if I had three heads, "Did you just say 'what'?"

I nodded as we started walking again.

He shook his head, incredulous, "Bella. Come _on_. Sega Genesis. It's only the best game console ever made!"

I giggled at his enthusiasm, "Nope sorry, never heard of it."

James threw up his hands in indignation, "Sonic the hedgehog?"

I shook my head, "I thought that XBOX 360 was the _coolest game console ever_," I mocked in my best guy voice.

"Pfft! Man, fuck xbox! And playstation too! Sega Genesis. That's where it's at."

I shrugged, "I don't know, I like the Super Nintendo."

James looked over at me, eyes wide. "You play Super Nintendo?"

I shrugged, "Sometimes. Phil has one and if I'm bored…"

"Swan, you have just redeemed yourself."

I smiled and cast him a sideways glance, "Is that so…"

"Yep. Aside from Genesis, Super Nintendo is the only acceptable game console."

"According to who."

"Common knowledge my friend, common knowledge." James tapped the side of his head.

We reached the bookstore and noticed the front lights off.

"Wow, I didn't realize we were so late." I looked around as if the time would just magically pop into the air for me to see. I never wore a watch and my cell was in my bag.

"It's nearly ten."

"Wow."

"Do you have a curfew?" James asked.

"Yea, but I'm not too into doing what makes my mom happy right now, so I don't really care."

"Well you could hang around here for awhile if you want…just chill or something."

I honestly thought about it, but then my letter called to me and the phrase 'burning a hole in your pocket' had never seemed so real.

"I actually should be getting home," I thought I saw his face fall just slightly, he quickly recovered though and I wasn't sure if I was just reading into things, "but I'll be back tomorrow, I have off of work."

At the mention of me coming back, James' face lit up. "All right, I'll see you tomorrow."

I nodded in consent, grabbed my bag, and made my way out of the store and hopped on my bike. I had never ridden home this late before by myself. I pedaled hard and fast, willing myself to go faster. Riding your bike home at night was not an enjoyable experience, no matter how 'safe' your town was. Maybe I should lay of the Law & Order…

Parking my bike in its usual spot in the garage quietly but swiftly, I made it into the house in record time. As I took the steps two at a time, I started to rip open the envelope, hoping desperately that I wasn't ripping the actual letter to shreds.

Once in the sanctuary of my room with the hope of no one's watching eyes I got comfortable on my bed and started to read.

_Dear Bella,_

_I've never been inducted into this club that you speak of, however if there's free garlic bread involved, sign me up! _

_I don't know if this is true or not, but I picture you crinkling your nose at the utter corny-ness of my joke. My only defense is that I'm a middle-aged man who has earned the right to tell such jokes._

_I don't really know too much about your life, kid, so I can't say whether or not I'd envy you. But I can say that I envy any individual who is allowed extended amounts of time with you. You're a wonderfully beautifully girl Bella, inside and out. I can already tell – and I would be honored if you would call me dad._

_Good news, nowhere in the bonfire rulebook is there mention of 'Kum Bay Yah', I even double-checked for you. S'mores however, are of course a must and let me tell you that microwave s'mores and bonfire s'mores are in completely different leagues. I have indeed seen The Sandlot ("how can I have some more if I haven't had any?!) and if I wasn't before, I am officially proud to call you my daughter. _

"_It was signed by some woman named Baby Ruth…"_

_To answer your question, Forks is usually pretty uneventful for Halloween. We have a couple of kids pulling some harmless pranks, and of course we've got Trick-or-Treaters. We may live in the 'sticks', but we know how to party. But believe me, Bella, if there was anyone I'd want to help me take down the raucous population of our tiny town, you'd be it._

_Now here come the 'dad' questions. I think we've been talking long enough for me to ask… what's your life like? How's your mother? How's her husband? You said she remarried? Is he good to you? What are you friends like? What are your plans for the future?_

_I know that's a lot of questions, so just answer the ones you feel comfortable answering. I'm including some pictures of Forks for you as per your request, but I've left out the picture of me. I don't want to scare you away, now!_

_I know we don't know each other extremely well and this is all very new to both of us, and I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I love you, Bella. Looking forward to hearing from you._

_Love, _

_Charlie (dad)_

I saw the letter become tainted with a single drop of water. I hadn't even realized I was crying. Placing the letter on the bed in front of me, I wiped away the tears that stained my face. I couldn't keep the smile from coming even if I wanted to.

Charlie loved me.

My dad loved me.

I didn't have to say it first.

I didn't guilt him into saying it.

He initiated it.

He meant it.

I picked the letter up again and re-read it. It was perfect. He was perfect. My heart felt so full at his admission. The eyes that had felt heavy just thirty minutes ago could not rest if they wanted to now.

I decided to put my energy to good use. I would write my letter back to Charlie. And I would tell him everything. I would answer every single one of his questions – because he loved me and that's what you did with people you loved, you trusted them.

_And I think I'll ask for his telephone number as well…_ my thoughts trailed off as I pulled a piece of stationary out and sat at my desk to get to work.

**---------------------------**

**THE! SANDLOT!**

**Please tell me you've seen it. If not, get your ass to the store and rent that puppy. Classic childhood movie it most certainly is.**

**90's trends? Anyone? Sega Genesis? WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE!? **

**Sooo...I'm really into Bon Iver right now. Skinny Love is a drug. Listen...Love... (if you're into that sort of thing.) Oh, and just in case you were wondering, that had nothing to do with the story. I just felt like letting you all know. If I wasted your time, I apologize.**

**And thus endeth my longest A/N's to date. Congratulate me! Or tell me to shut up...**


	8. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

**A/N: Okay, so remember the warning in the summary about angst? Well, here is where it begins. If you don't like angst, then you're reading the wrong story. However, I hope you'll stick with me as everything in this chapter serves a purpose. Trust me!**

**I'm posting because I love and hate this chapter at the same time. On one hand I've been working up to this chapter for quite some time and so I'm excited for one big reveal in the plot. However, I'm not happy with some of the structure of this chapter grammar wise. So I apologize in advance if there are blazingly obvious mistakes on my part or if some of the sentences are absolutely shiteous.**

**Thanks to those who favorited/alerted/reviewed. Seriously, especially the reviewers, you make my day!!**

**Special thanks to YankeeDiva, part of this chapter was inspired by her! And she's also seen the Sandlot, so she gets a 'cool' stamp. Her review and idea was awesome and made me want to update faster. Same with SheIsn'tHere - you're review made me smile, as well as the fact that you are also a Sega and Bon Iver fan. bacmel79 - you are total win with all of your 90's trends. and thanks to acw1 and whattheforks for being faithful reviewers! you guys are great!! And finally, any of you who gave suggestions and ideas - thanks! keep them coming! =)**

**Disclaimer: smeyer owns.**

**-----------------------------**

**B**

"So, Cinderella Bella, what did mommy dearest want this time?" James was leaning over the counter as I walked into the store having just gotten off the phone with my mom.

I had taken to spending literally all of my free time at the bookstore as of late. It was coming up on Christmas, and it was throwing me into a funk. Usually Christmas with Renee was something I could get into. It was probably the only time of year I supported her superficial tendencies – although I went no where near as overboard as she went – and I loved that for a couple of weeks, everything seemed to be peaceful.

But that was before I knew about Charlie. I always knew that Christmas wasn't about the commercialism; it was a time to spend with your loved ones, I just always happened to conform to Renee's idea of 'spending time'. She loved to be excessive and eccentric and I wanted a family at Christmastime. This year, though, I couldn't help but wonder what Christmas spent with Charlie would be like, and it was putting me on edge with my mom.

Growing up with Renee, I had quite a high tolerance for her antics, because…well, I didn't have a choice. But now, there was someone else. Someone who thought that I was special, who loved me, and who was okay with how I chose to live my life.

In my mind it played out perfectly, I would cook Christmas dinner while he would keep the fire going and talk to me, completely invested in everything I was doing. He would remark on how good everything looked and smelled. He would tell me that I made it look so easy. There would be a big evergreen Christmas tree that we cut down ourselves – not one of the ones you get at the hardware store. It would be decorated with bright lights and shiny gold and red ornaments. But it would only be in the back round, to set the stage for the time of year, because in reality the dynamic would be like this every day – Christmas or no Christmas. I was sure of it.

I sighed, "She wants me home so we can go shopping together for Phil."

James chuckled when he saw my contorted face, "Aw come on, it can't be that bad, tiger!"

I raised an eyebrow at him and pursed my lips, "Oh yeah? You want to come and see?"

I had been completely joking but the next thing I knew, James was calling to Charlotte in the back telling her that he was going shopping with me.

"James, I was joking!" I whisper-shrieked.

He just laughed as he made his way around the counter, "Too late."

"Oh this is not going to be good," I mumbled more to myself than anyone else. But James had heard.

"You worry to much, Swan." He swung an arm around me and led me out of the store.

"Whatever."

We walked back to my house, me with my bike in tow, in companionable silence. However, I couldn't keep my mind from wandering back to my letters. It seemed to be the only place my head was at these days.

Nothing with Charlie had changed since Halloween. I mean, we exchanged 'I love you's' and added them to the end of every letter, but nothing drastic had happened. We kept up with fervor, not ever breaking the pace, and he hadn't gone screaming yet.

Still though, it didn't escape my notice that he had yet to include a picture of himself in the letters or a telephone number.

I wanted to hear his voice, or see his face. He was still such an entity to me, and I wanted familiarity.

Most of the time, I pushed it into the back of my head. He was talking to me, wasn't he? And he said that he loved me. And I believed him.

But sometimes, that little devil on my shoulder got the better of me. If he cared so much, why hide himself? Was he really that self-conscious of his photos? Did he really not have time to talk on the phone and therefore making giving me his phone number pointless? I didn't know, I couldn't know, and it was bugging the shit out of me.

"Where's your head at?" James broke me out of my revere as we approached my house.

My eyes snapped up to look at him. He looked a bit concerned, definitely invested in the question he just asked. I smiled as I thought how far we had come within the past couple of months. He had become my first friend, my only friend, my best friend. He was there for me. He knew about the problems with my mom, and he was willing to listen and let me vent. He didn't judge me or begrudge me anything – he was just there. After this summer, he had decided to stay in Phoenix and work, taking the semester off. But he was going back after Winter break. It scared me a little, he was my only friend and he was real. I could see him and touch him everyday. But I promised myself I wasn't going to let anything come between us when he went back. He was too important.

However, I hadn't told him about my letters. It just seemed too personal. I didn't want to share any part of this experience with anyone, lest they ruin it for me. Hell, Renee would have never found out if I hadn't needed my birth certificate.

I considered telling James all of it, because that damn devil was becoming a burden on my shoulder. But then my mom burst through the garage door, effectively killing any hope of conversation.

"Bella, let's go." She walked briskly through the garage and towards the car, not even acknowledging the boy standing by my side.

"Mom, this is James," I introduced as I slid into the passenger seat.

"Nice to meet you, Mrs. Dwyer." James said politely as he buckled his seatbelt in the back.

She turned around and gave him a small smile, "Nice to meet you too, dear."

I was shocked. I thought for sure she was going to make some sort of remark regarding me bringing a boy. Perhaps she was just so surprised to see me interacting with another human being, she couldn't complain. I sure wasn't.

I should've knocked on wood though, because not long after we pulled onto the main street, Renee spoke up.

"So Bella didn't tell me she had a boyfriend."

James went to speak, but I beat him to it, "We're just friends mom." My gaze was hard as silently pleaded with her to drop it.

"I work at the bookstore, Charlotte's Web. Peter and Charlotte are my uncle and aunt." James explained simply.

"So that's why Bella's been spending all that time there," Renee laughed shortly, "I have to tell you James, I was getting a little worried that Bella just hung out there by herself all day."

To an outsider, it seemed like a harmless comment. It seemed like a mother who didn't want her daughter in isolation, that's it. No hidden implications. No underhanded meaning. But Renee's comments were rarely harmless, nor were they relenting. Ever.

"Well, I keep Bella company while she does her writing and reads through the entire bookstore. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that I come second to the literature."

He smirked at me. Now that was a harmless comment.

Renee snorted, "Honey, don't worry about it. She's always been this way. I keep telling her that it's not normal, but she doesn't want to listen to me."

And there it was. I turned my face to look out the window as we drove, willing the tears to disappear. Why did she have to be like this? Why did I let it get to me? After all these years, you'd think I'd be used to it. But no, it still hurts like a bitch every time your mother calls you a disease in two sentences or less.

"Oh, no. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Bella's the coolest chick I know."

I smiled in the side mirror, as did he. So that's what it was like to have someone on your side.

Renee was silent for the rest of the drive, and I reveled in the temporary sanity. We found a parking spot fairly quickly considering the time of year, and headed of to war. James threw his arm around my shoulders as we walked to the entrance and gave me a squeeze. I smiled up at him, silently thanking him, and he kissed the top of my head, not letting go.

If Renee noticed, she didn't make a big deal about it. I thanked God for small favors.

"Okay Bella baby," And here came the excessive terms of endearment to get back o my good side, "what do you think you want to get Phil for Christmas?"

I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly taking in my surroundings, "I don't know, did he say he wanted something in particular?"

"Oh well that's no fun sugar, you have to pick out something you think he'll like. It makes it more personal."

I sighed. Phil had the personality of a cheese stick. He liked baseball, video games, food, and my mom. He had so much baseball memorabilia that he had a separate storage room for it, he had so many video games and consoles, I couldn't keep count, getting him a gift card to a restaurant would not fly with my mom, and that brings us to the last thing which is just… ew.

"Maybe, a tie?" I asked.

To my complete surprise she got all excited, "Oh Bella, that's perfect! He needs new ties for his away games."

I smiled. Maybe this wouldn't be as painful as I thought. We walked to Macy's and straight back to the Menswear section. I walked around all the tiny round tables taking in the different colors. The displays were kind of cool; I wanted to take all of them home just to line up all of the colors.

"How about this one?" James asked as he held up a tacky tie with cartoon Santa's on it.

I giggled, "Oh, no, how about this?" I shoved a Grinch tie in his face.

"Awesome! The Grinch was totally my favorite Christmas movie ever growing up." He took the tie out of my hands.

"I'm assuming you mean the cartoon version."

He looked up, indignant, "Of course. The Jim Carrey version's all right, but the cartoon is classic."

"Have you ever read the book?" I asked, taking the tie back.

"There's a book?" He said with mock excitement.

I pushed his shoulder.

"Of course I've read the book. We may not all be smarty's like you, Swan, but I can manage to muddle my way through a children's book."

I laughed loudly as he stole the tie back from me.

"You really like that tie, don't you?" I asked.

"How could I not like this tie?"

I stared at him for a second before snatching it away from him and running towards the counter. Thinking I was just teasing him, he chased me and caught me around the waist.

"No! James, put me down!" I said between fits of laughter.

"You think you can steal The Grinch tie from me and get away with it?"

I wasn't sure if it would work, but I had to chance it. I wiggled my arm free and stuck it in his underarm, tickling him. He dropped me out of surprise and I ran for the counter once more. This time I made it. I slapped the money on the counter before the sales associate had time to ring me up.

Once he saw what I was doing, James stopped dead in his tracks, and that goofy smile that once made me apprehensive lit up his whole face.

The man behind the counter handed me the bag and I skipped over to James, "Merry early Christmas!"

He brought his hand to his heart mockingly, "Oh Bella. You didn't have to…"

I laughed as he pulled the tie out of the bag and put it on over his t-shirt.

"Bella!" My mother called sharply from behind. I whirled around to meet her angry face. "What is the matter with you?!"

My laughter died in my throat, "Nothing, mom, we"—

"You are 18 years old, Bella. How about you act like it!"

"Mom," I started to defend myself, but she didn't want to hear it.

"I wanted to have a nice day with you, and you've been ruining it from the start. First you bring this boy that I've never met with you, then you act like you don't even care about Phil's Christmas present, and now you're acting like a petulant child in Macy's. You are such an embarrassment!"

I felt tears sting my eyes as my mother berated me in front of James, in front of the sales clerk, in front of other customers. I felt about an inch tall right then and I wanted nothing more than to be swallowed hole.

"Mrs. Dwyer, we didn't mean anything by it" –

"James," she sighed, her temper dying immediately, "I know that you didn't mean anything by it, but I raised my daughter better than that. She knows not to embarrass me in public and she knows what acceptable behavior looks like. I'm not blaming you."

James shook his head and walked up to me, ignoring the glare that my mother was burning into my skull. I saw his shoes as I had my eyes trained on the ground and smiled a bit as I caught a flash of his bright green tie.

He lifted my chin, "You okay, Swan?"

Before I got a chance to answer my mother interrupted, "_What_ did you just call her?"

James turned to look at her, confusion lining his features. He didn't know the slip he made, but I sure as hell did. I closed my eyes and a single tear escaped, here we go…

"Her name is not Swan, it's Dwyer." Renee said sharply, her eyes not leaving my face.

"But she told me it was Swan," James defended.

"Bella, look at me," Renee's tone was quiet, but it was full of venom.

I apprehensively lifted my gaze to meet hers, and it took everything in me not to burst into tears. I had _never_ seen her look so angry.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" She took a step towards me.

"Mrs. Dwyer, I think that's enough," James put an arm around me.

"Don't tell me what to do with my daughter," she spat, and then turned her gaze back to me. "Yes, that's right Bella, you're my daughter. Mine. Always have been. I'm the one that has taken care of you all of these years. Not that precious father of yours that you seem to be so sure loves you. It's a lie Bella. It's a big _fucking_ lie! He told me he loved me too, but he was too damn stubborn to do anything about it! Didn't want to leave his secure little bubble of Forks, Washington. Didn't want to give me or our future family any potential at a better life.

"I was the one that wanted better for you Bella! So when I found out I was going to have you, I ran. And did he come after me? Not once! Never did he try to find me. But supposedly, I was his one true love.

"I'm the one that loves you, Bella. Not him. But you just won't let it go! So go ahead, run to him, run to daddy you ungrateful little wench!"

Silent tears were running down my cheeks. I think James was too shocked to even speak. The other people in the store weren't even trying to hide the fact that they were staring.

Renee was a bitter, bitter woman. She had loved Charlie Swan and he had loved her back, but it wasn't enough for her. And so she did what she wanted, without considering the consequences – as usual. And now here she was, years later, still that same bitter young woman who left the love of her life behind for adventure. It was all so clear now. Why she was so upset.

But it didn't make me feel sorry for her, it made me angrier. Her decisions were hers alone, not mine. I had every right to do what I was doing, and I had had enough of her manipulative behavior. Ever since I started my letters with Charlie, it had become progressively more abusive. I wasn't going to be bullied into submission this time.

I looked her square in the eyes, trembling, "I fucking _hate_ you."

It was Christmas Eve. It had been one week since the department store smack down. James had walked out with me that day and called Peter to come pick us up at the mall.

"Are you okay?" He asked rubbing my arm and holding me close to his side while we waited for his uncle.

I nodded, though my tears betrayed me. I wiped at them in vain. "She's never gone that far before." I paused before my next statement came out in a whisper, "Neither have I."

"It's okay, Bells. She's your mom, she'll forgive you."

The tears came harder as I made my next admission, "Guhh! I'm such an awful person. I don't even care! I don't care, James! I don't care whether or not she forgives me."

He stared at me for a few seconds, "I don't think you mean that."

I shook my head and tried to worm my way out of his grasp. I felt like scum. I felt gross and dirty and unworthy of anything. Just then Peter pulled up, and I was glad he didn't seem to be in an inquisitive mood.

We drove back to the bookstore in silence. I gather that they were giving me room to think, but to be honest my mind had turned itself off. Self-preservation at it's finest.

I felt numb. There was absolutely nothing running through my head. I felt nothing. No hatred, no remorse, no sorrow, nothing.

We pulled into the parking lot and all climbed out, the mood somber. James followed me back to my beanbag chair and sat on the ground next to it as I flopped down and let the little balls of foam mold themselves to my body.

He didn't say anything for a good fifteen minutes. We just sat there as I reveled in the nothingness. But after awhile, he spoke up.

"So, your mom mentioned something about your dad… I knew Phil wasn't your father, but I guess I never asked what the situation with your real dad was."

I looked at him through blurry eyes. His features were soft, understanding, and laced with concern. His eyes communicated that I didn't have to tell him anything I didn't want to. But James was my friend. The only real person I'd ever had, besides Charlie. I found myself wanting to tell him everything, wanting to let him in on my secret.

He had followed me out of the store. He had spoke up for me. He was still wearing the tie, although it looked ridiculous.

So I told him. I told him absolutely everything. From my fears and apprehensions to every last detail that was divulged in the letters. He sat there and listened intently, nodding and laughing in the right places, asking questions when he needed something cleared up.

"But he won't send me a picture of him or his phone number, and I can't help but think that maybe this is all just fake. Maybe he doesn't really want this." I looked at the tiny hole in the canvas of the beanbag that I was picking at as I divulged my latest fears.

"Swan," his tone indicated that he wanted me to look at him, so I did. "Your mother is nuts. You're a cool chick with a lot to offer, and obviously Charlie sees that. He wouldn't be writing if he didn't. Maybe he's just apprehensive, I mean, this has got to be hard for him, finding out he's a dad and all…"

I nodded plastering on a small smile. To her my justifications confirmed made me slightly happier about the situation. "I just wish I could have a piece of him, you know? In some ways I feel like we're so connected, and in others it feels like we're light years apart."

James stared intently at me for a few moments before hopping up and walking away.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Come here."

I followed him around the bookshelf until I saw him seated at one of the dinosaur computers the bookshop had. I looked at him, confused, but he just beckoned my over wordlessly.

"What's going on?" I asked my curiosity piquing.

"Well, I had an idea," he began as the computer loaded. "You said that you wanted a piece of Charlie."

I nodded.

"I wouldn't suggest looking up his phone number, because the conversation may be awkward since he didn't give it to you himself. However, the small town of Forks probably has pictures of its residents beings that it's probably the only newsworthy thing they have going on."

I smiled at his genius before I thought of something, "How did you know the town was called Forks?"

He turned around and stared at me for a second in an 'are you serious' kind of way before saying, "You said so when you were telling the story."

I nodded, "Right. So…okay, let's do it!"

Getting the hunk of junk to work was a bitch, but it was a small price to pay. James Googled the town of Forks and sure enough, the first hit, they had their own town website. The thing was obviously run out of someone's home during their free time. It made me smile. You would never find anything like that for Phoenix, just a website about hotel reservations and the best tourist spots.

I leaned over James' shoulder, taking all of the pictures in. He navigated the site quickly and brought up a page dedicated to the head honcho's of Forks. It included the mayor, the town minister, the fire chief, the police chief and several other "important" people. But my eyes shot to the profile of a gruff looking man with curly hair and kind eyes. That was him. I knew it before I even read the name under the picture. That was my father.

His picture was stoic and posed. It seemed to fit him, but I wanted to know if there was something else, something with a smile. I asked James to scoot over and I took the reigns, clicking in and out of pages, looking for Charlie Swan. I had searched through three or four random pages when I found it. It was a picture of Charlie with his arm slung around a good-looking older man. He had blonde hair and bright blue eyes. They looked happy, there was an obvious camaraderie between the two that showed through even in the picture.

I smiled hugely as I studied the picture. Charlie looked like a toughie at first glance. He looked like the kind of guy you didn't want to mess with. But knowing what I know, and seeing his smile, I would bet money on him being a softie at heart.

I was broken out of my revere by James letting out a catcall whistle. "Look at that little cutie in the background."

I looked over my shoulder to see James' eyes trained on the screen. I looked past Charlie and the mystery man to see a beautiful red head standing behind them. My breath caught in my throat as my gaze shifted to the person she was talking to. He was the most beautiful man I had ever seen, even on a grainy computer screen.

The picture had been taken without his knowledge. He stood relaxed, with one hand in his khaki pants pocket, the other holding a drink. He had sharp features, but they didn't appear intimidating or grotesque, rather statuesque. His moppy hair was in disarray, but somehow it fit him. It was the most unusual color, too. Like a penny. His smile, though, it was sweet and genuine while being seductive and passionate at the same time.

"You okay there, Bells?" James asked.

I let out a big breath I hadn't been aware I was holding, "Yep, just fine."

After that we shut off the computer and went back to lounging around the store. I was beyond ecstatic that I had gotten to see a picture of Charlie. He was better than I ever could have imagined. And for some reason, I couldn't get the penny boy out of my thoughts either.

So here we are, on Christmas Eve. I haven't spoken to Renee since our fight, and she's made no move to budge either. I knew we had plans tonight, to go to dinner with friends, but unless she forced me, I wasn't going.

Just then, I heard a knock on my door. "Speak of the devil and she shall come," I yelled at my door as a greeting.

To my surprise, Phil popped his head in with a disappointed look on his face, "Bella…" he trailed off in disapproval.

"What do you want, Phil?" Ever since our fight, I hadn't bothered to hide my distaste of Phil. I didn't hate the guy or anything, but I didn't care for him either. For so long I was keeping up pretenses, and now I just didn't give a shit.

"Your mother and I are leaving for the party. Are you coming?"

I shook my head, "Nope. Not a chance in hell."

He nodded but hesitated at my door.

"What is it, Phil?"

"She loves you, Bella."

I let out a short humorless laugh, "Maybe when she retracts the claws I'll believe it. Goodnight, Phil." I said effectively dismissing him.

I spent the night in my room alternating between listening to music, reading and writing. It was one of the best Christmas Eve's I'd ever had. I was alone, but at least I was in good company.

At around midnight James called, "And what is Cinderella Bella doing now that the wicked witch of the west is M.I.A?"

I laughed, "Now you're crossing stories, buddy."

"Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to. It's all the same to me."

I smirked, "Whatever works for you, James."

"So you never answered my question, Swan."

"Hmm, let's see, what am I doing? I am sitting in my room doing absolutely nothing of importance."

"Sounds like a good time," he deadpanned.

"Watch the sarcasm. I'm in a good mood."

"Yea, yea…well hey, listen, if you want I could come pick you up so you're not alone? Peter and Charlotte would love to have you."

"It's midnight."

"I know, I mean for tomorrow."

"Oh…" I thought about it for a moment before answering, "While I really appreciate it, I don't think I could do that to my mom. It _is_ Christmas after all."

"So Bella Swan isn't the Grinch after all, eh?"

I laughed, "Seriously James, thanks for being there."

"But of course. So I guess this means you'll just have to wait until after Christmas to get your present."

"You got me a present?" I couldn't mask the excitement in my voice if I tried.

"Don't get too excited," he chuckled, "It's no tie."

I smiled, "Anything you get me will be great."

I didn't hear his reply as the house phone distracted me. "Hold on just a sec, James. Someone's calling."

He went silent as I kept him on the line, picking up the house phone, "Hello?"

"Hello, this is Officer Ray Cromwell, may I speak to a Miss Isabella Carlson, please?"

My heart was lodged in my throat. This wasn't good. There was no way that the police calling your house in the middle of the night would be good.

"This is she," I wasn't sure how exactly I found my voice.

"Ms. Carlson, I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid we have some bad news. Would it be possible for you to come down to the station?" He asked politely.

I shook my head vehemently before realizing he couldn't see me, "No. Please, just tell me what's the matter."

He sighed, "Really, ma'am, this would be better if done in person."

My voice was shaking, but only a bit. I was surprised at how calm I sounded, "Officer, please. I know it's not good news. Does this have to do with my mother?"

I heard him sigh again and speak quietly to someone on his end.

"Ms. Carlson, I regret to inform you that a Mr. Phillip Dwyer's car was found about an hour ago. It appears there was a crash, the cause is still unknown. The cars caught fire and were contained fairly quickly, however, all people from both vehicles were found dead on arrival."

He spoke so clinically. I heard a strange noise erupt from somewhere around me, but soon recognized it to be choked sobs coming from me. "How? Why?"—

The officer cut me off, "Ms. Carlson, I really do think it's best if you come to the station."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. We have protocol and I need you to sign some papers"—

This time I cut him off, "No, I mean, how are you sure it's them?"

He sighed, "We ran the plates off the car and it came back to him. There were two people, a man and a woman, in the car. While most everything was burnt, including them, we were able to salvage your mother's license from her purse."

I buried my head in my hands, quietly telling the officer that I would make my way to the station. As I hung up the phone I became aware of the cell that I was cradling in my other hand, "James?"

"Bella?! What happened?" He sounded panicked. He must have heard.

"My mom… and Phil… they're dead." I said through sobs. "Can you take me to the station? Please?"

"Of course, Bella. I'll be right over."

I hung up the phone without saying goodbye and fell to the floor. I sat, curling myself into a ball and rocking back and forth.

I was going to hell. I was such a bad person. The last thing I had said to my mom's face was that I hated her. And now she's gone. Forever. I would never get to take that back.

The tears fell wildly as my sobs reverberated in my room. She was dead. In the blink of an eye, it was all over. I started thinking to all the things she would never be around for, my wedding, grandchildren, even menopause, everything. From this point forward, I was without my mother.

And Phil, I had been so unnecessarily harsh. He had been nothing but good to me throughout the years and I acted as if he had done something to hurt me. No, we weren't close, but it could've been a lot worse.

I sat there, sobbing until James came and got me. I felt so guilty. I hated myself more than I ever have in that moment. I seemed to have a perpetual bad taste in my mouth; I couldn't get rid of it. I wanted to scream, to pull my hair out, to do something, anything completely rash, but I didn't have the energy. My cries were draining me of whatever I had.

We rode to the station in silence as I thought over my failure as a daughter. I berated and kicked myself all the way there, but still, throughout the ride there was a shimmer of hope, a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak, that kept popping into my head. It wasn't happy or sad, it was just there, and I wasn't sure if I should feel guilty about it or not. I was powerless to stop it, however, as the thought grew in strength and frequency.

_I have no choice but to go to Charlie, now._

**------------------------**

**A/N: Swear it wasn't random. That was going to happen from the beginning. **

**REVIEW! Puh-lease?!**

**p.s.- I just noticed that I haven't been getting email notifications for all the reviews that are being left. I reply to every review alert I get, so if you haven't gotten one please don't be offended, I just didn't get alerted that you left a review. So yea, if you don't care, that's cool too, but I figured I'd cover all my bases.**


	9. Welcome Home

**A/N: This chapter was a BITCH to write. Seriously, that's part of what took so long. I'm still not really happy with it, but I wanted to post anyway. Obviously a lot has to happen and it's not going to all happen right away. So let me know what you think! I LOVE YOUR REVIEWSSSS!!!! Thanks so much for everyone who takes the time to do it! And who alerts/favorites this story too. You all are awesome!**

**Special thanks to YankeeDiva, thanks so much for the rec! Sun08, as always keeps me encouraged! SheIsn'tHere, Bacmel79, acw1, and whattheforks...THANK YOU! I always look forward to your reviews!**

**Disclaimer: smeyer owns.**

**E**

"Yea, yea, of course I'll see you tomorrow, Alice," I hurriedly assured my sister as I moved through the cafeteria line as quickly as possible. I had time for about a ten-minute break and that was it, but if I didn't eat something now, I was likely to pass out.

"Tell Jasper I got a bootleg copy of the new Scorsese film…" I picked up a tuna sandwich and moved my tray down.

"Of course it's a guys movie, that's why I told you to tell Jasper…" The potato salad and coleslaw looked like they had taken on a life of their own, so I steered clear and pushed my tray down further.

"No, we won't watch it tomorrow, of course. Does mom need me to bring anything to dinner?" Potato chips. Simple, easy, greasy, yet always delicious.

"I think I can handle bringing myself, that shouldn't be a problem. How's the bookstore coming along?" Hm, Chocolate cake or Apple Pie? How about one of each? Yes, please.

"Well, I'm sure you'll find your knack. You've only just opened the place. I know you, Alice, and I know mom too. Failure doesn't exist in either one of you. Just give it some time…" Grabbing an iced tea to complete my less than balanced meal, and swiping my nifty all-access hospital employee card I said goodbye to my sister and made my way to the nearest empty table I could find.

I sighed as I let my thoughts drift back to the brown-eyed girl that constantly bombarded them lately. There was no escaping her, and I was near done trying. I hadn't heard from Bella in several weeks. Christmas had come and gone, as well as the New Year. We were a week and a half into January and her silence was driving me up the wall.

Why wasn't she writing? Had something happened to her? Did Renee put an end to it? Was she writing letters and I just wasn't receiving them? Did she lose interest?

I hoped to God it wasn't the last one. I don't know what I'd do if this girl that I had never even met decided to not speak to me again… or at me rather since she didn't know who she was exactly speaking to.

I had sent her Christmas present a couple of days after the actual holiday. It was a complete vintage set of Jane Austen novels, and I thought it was right up her alley – maybe I had been wrong. Taking the empty tray to the trashcan and placing it on top, I took one last gulp of my tea and made my way back to my floor.

I really needed to get back to work, but I couldn't resist checking Charlie's room one more time. Maybe someone had dropped off a letter while I was at lunch.

I walked in the door and felt a sense of guilt wash over me as it had been for months now. I was turning into Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – half the time I was frantic to get her letters and respond right away, convinced I was doing the right thing. The other half of me was screaming at me to put a stop to it all. It wasn't fair to anyone involved, including me – but most importantly, Bella.

I searched the room, not finding any semblance of a letter. Against the clock and my better judgment, I sat down in my favorite leather chair. We had a love/hate relationship. I put my head in my hands and rubbed my scalp with my fingertips letting the action soothe me as much as possible.

At this point, even if I wanted to stop, I couldn't. I was too far-gone. I needed her like I needed air, and she had no fucking idea. How messed up is that?

I heard steps right outside the doorway and I slunk further into the seat. If it was Tanya, I was going to go ape shit, I just couldn't deal with her right now.

My ears perked up though as I heard the slightest of breaths hitch. Before I could register anything I whirled around only to meet a pair of dark, soulful, caramel eyes. It all happened so fast after that.

They were moist.

She was crying.

That's when I realized she wasn't looking at me. She was looking past me.

I turned my head to Charlie as my worst nightmare unfolded right before my eyes.

She was here. Bella was here. And she knew.

"Charlie," she whispered as she walked further into the room.

She looked at me with tears rolling down her cheeks, "She said he was here. I didn't want to believe it. He can't _be_ here."

As she reached Charlie's bedside she took his hand in hers and held it to her cheek, closing her eyes as if taking a picture in her mind.

"I know you," it came out in a broken sob. "I know you so well."

I was frozen in place – caught between wanting to hold her and wanting to flee like a coward. She was going to find out my secret and I couldn't face her when she did.

As if reading my mind, she turned to me with question written all over her face. I felt the thick saliva slide down the back of my throat as my blinks were coming as fast as my heart beats.

"Edward, why haven't you gone to see Mr. Thompson yet? I told him" –

Carlisle was cut off by the presence of our guest, and I was saved for the moment.

"Right. Sorry, I was just coming back from my break," I snuck a glance at Bella who was looking between my father and me. With one fleeting thought to the situation, I removed myself from the room as quickly as possible. My feet carried me down the hall. They made all the right turns and ended up right outside of Mr. Thompson's room, but I felt numb.

Ever since I had gotten myself into this, I had felt a plethora of emotions ranging from utter bliss to anger. But never, not once had I been scared – until now. I didn't want to lose her.

**B**

I buried Renee and Phil two days after Christmas. I spent the next week getting the house ready to put on the market. I spent the week after that packing up my stuff, buying a ticket and trying not to talk myself out of going.

I was going. I had to go. Charlie would be there for me, I just knew he would. He would understand – he had to.

My flight to Forks, Washington couldn't be over fast enough, and yet I wanted it to last just a little bit longer. As soon as I stepped off that plane I would be faced with acceptance or rejection. The possibility of the latter was almost enough to turn right around and look for a job in Phoenix to support myself.

James had been exactly what I needed – a friend. He wasn't so sure about my trip to be with my father, but he supported me regardless. Peter and Charlotte were irreplaceable in helping with getting everything in order both for me and my mom and Phil.

As I took the most expensive cab ride of my life, I gripped the torn piece of paper with Charlie's address written on it like it was my air. I could see my fingers turning white, and I let out a huge breath of air I was unaware I was holding in.

The drive from the super small airport in Port Angeles took about an hour, and I spent the entire ride psyching myself up – or out, I'm not exactly sure. My emotions were running rampant and it seemed I couldn't fixate on one in particular.

I climbed out of the yellow car, handing the cabbie a wad of cash and thanking him for his troubles. He helped me out with my lone bag and then got back in his car to drive away as I hobbled up the cobblestone driveway.

I had arranged for all of my stuff to be sent here, but I wanted to make sure that I got here first, so as not to overwhelm Charlie. At least now I could warn him about it.

As I reached the chipped red front door, a sense of utter excitement and curiosity overtook me. More than anything, I wanted to see my dad. In real life. For the rest of my life.

I knew him so well. After speaking with him for a couple of months… it was just so easy, everything with him came easy. He was everything I could have asked for, and I was about to come face to face with him.

This was it. There was no turning back now. I raised my hand and knocked three times on the piece of wood. It resounded and while I'm sure it was just my imagination, it sounded like the entire town could hear my lone knock.

_Please don't be mad. Puhh-leasssse don't be mad. Please. Please. Please._

I waited a few minutes, but nothing happened. No one came to answer the door.

_Hm. That's weird, his car is in the driveway. Or at least I'm assuming that giant cruiser is his._

I knocked once again – three times – and waited a couple more minutes. Nothing. Nothing happened. No one came to the door.

I sighed in defeat as I turned to sit on the front porch steps.

_He must be working,_ I resigned myself to think.

Leaning against one of the frame posts, I pulled "Carrie" out of my bag.

_Might as well get comfortable_, I had no idea when he would be coming home.

Home. This was my home. I liked the sound of that.

I had been reading for about an hour before a woman walked up to the mailbox. I stuck my gas receipt turned bookmark into my book as I watched her curiously. Maybe Charlie had his neighbor get the mail for him.

I looked around; no one else seemed to be outside. Maybe she could help me – maybe she'd know when Charlie would be home. I tentatively got up, dusting the collected dirt off of my butt, and made my way down the steps.

As the steps creaked with my weight, she finally realized that I was there. She smiled a warm, but confused, smile at me and I returned it – without the confused part.

"Hi, do you know when Charlie – er, Chief Swan will be home?" I asked politely as I nervously fiddled with the mood ring on my finger.

She just stared at me for a moment; her expression had changed to something I didn't recognize.

"I'm sorry, dear. Who are you?" She asked nicely.

Of course these small town folk would be protective of their neighbors. I liked it here already.

"Oh! Sorry, I'm Bella. Well, actually Isabella, but I really prefer Bella." Real great…just keep saying your name, I'm sure she hasn't lost interest or anything.

The woman nodded, her face completely guarded, "And how do you know the chief?"

Right. Of course no one would no who I was yet. How do you just come out and say something like that? Surprise? "I'm his daughter."

Her mask slipped for a fraction of a second, and I thought I saw sadness in her eyes, but the mask was up before I could be sure, "Charlie doesn't have a daughter."

I nodded, "Yes. He does. I just… he just… we just started talking. My mom wasn't into letting him know I existed so when my 18th birthday came around I kind of insisted."

I hoped to God that was a good enough explanation for her. I already felt like a psycho.

She nodded her head shortly before focusing her attention on the mailbox and pulling out its contents. We were both silent for a few moments and I wasn't sure whether or not she'd remembered my earlier question. Just to be sure I asked again.

She shook her head at me, the mask slowly falling away as pain etched her features, "Honey, your father – Charlie… well he's in the hospital. Has been for months now."

I was in shock. I wasn't exactly sure what to feel, so I said the first thing that came to my head, "No he's not."

The woman looked at me with pity in her eyes. Fucking pity.

"My dad is not in the hospital. I just spoke with him a couple of weeks ago."

The damn woman started shaking her head at me… would you get that fucking look off your face? You didn't just kick my puppy!

"Sweetie, Charlie was in an accident a few years back. He's been in a coma," she reached over to rub my arm.

I didn't know what to say, think or even feel. So I laughed. I fucking laughed in the woman's face. There was no way. No way this was possible. I _talked_ to him. I _knew_ him. He was funny and smart and loving and understanding and everything I never knew I needed. He was not in the hospital he was working or out buying groceries or something normal because – shit – how the hell else do you react to this news?

I wanted to slap the woman standing in front of me with her sad eyes. I had been getting those eyes from everyone for the past couple of weeks and I didn't want it. I didn't want any of it. Keep your pity.

Without speaking she reached into her purse and produced a pen. Flipping a solicitation letter over, she wrote on the back of it and handed it to me when she was done.

_Sue Clearwater_

_360-555-7682_

_114 – ICU_

"That's my number. If you need anything, Bella, please call me. The number below is Charlie's room. Ask for Dr. Cullen, he can explain everything better."

With that, she turned on her heel and got back in her car to drive away. I stared at the offending piece of paper in my hands for a long moment. I couldn't face it just yet – I couldn't believe it just yet. There had to be a mistake.

I ran up to the porch, grabbing my phone and my wallet and stuffing the rest of everything underneath one of the white wicker rocking chairs before sprinting down and onto the sidewalk.

I needed to walk; I needed to clear my head. I had every intention of ending up at the hospital, but first, I needed this time. I walked for what felt like at least a couple of miles before coming across a bookstore. Thinking fondly of Charlotte's Web, I walked in, breathing the aroma heavily. Yum. Feeling rather shitty, I walked straight to the horror section. Stephen King – my antidrug.

As I entered the isle, I saw a beautiful blonde woman perusing the shelves. And when I say beautiful, I mean – makes you not want to leave the house in the morning because no matter what you could never look like that – beautiful. She had two books in her hand and I recognized one as Cujo.

"The book's much better than the movie – trust me," I spoke before I had time to register that I was doing so.

I expected a snotty dismissal but instead she looked at me and smiled, "Thanks. I love me some Stephen, but I did see the movie, and it sucked ass."

I scoffed, "Tell me about it. They just need to leave the books alone. They turned IT into a joke when they made it a major motion picture. I'm constantly telling my friend James that he has to read the books, because he just doesn't understand the wonderment that is Stephen King."

She laughed, "I agree with you on the IT thing. Every time the shower scene comes on I bust out laughing. My husband doesn't get it, he thinks I'm weird."

"Join the club," I giggled.

"You're married?" She asked eyeing my left hand.

"Oh, no. I just meant for people thinking your weird." I admitted, crimson staining my cheeks.

She smiled at me softly, "I don't think you're weird."

I looked up at her tentatively and saw nothing but kindness in her features. Whatever they put in the water in Forks was working for me. I had no idea why I felt comfortable around this stranger, but she made me feel at ease.

"What's you're name? I didn't catch it."

"Bella," I held my hand out to shake hers.

"Rose," she smiled as she held my hand and eyed me for a quick second as if making a decision, "Are you new in town?"

I nodded my head quickly, not wanting to explain.

Her warm smile returned, "Would you care to join me and my family for dinner tomorrow night?"

I laughed shortly. What was it with me and laughing at completely inappropriate times? "Sorry… I just, I don't want to intrude."

"I'm inviting you."

"Who's going to be there?"

"Does it matter? You don't know them anyway! It's a chance for you to meet new people. Plus I'd like to introduce my family to my new friend."

She had said the magic word. Friend. I would do anything for that, "Sure."

She smiled her million-dollar smile at me before placing one of the books back on the shelf, "I think I'll get this one," she said as she held Cujo in front of my face.

I giggled as she found scrap piece of paper in her back as well as a pen and jotted down her info.

"See you tomorrow, Bella," she called as she walked out of the store with her purchase.

After a bit more dawdling, I made my way to the hospital. The pit of despair. The seventh circle of hell… whatever you wanted to call it.

I found Charlie's room quite easily with some help from a nurse and as I stood in the doorway, everything went blank. I couldn't see anything but the broken man lying in front of me. I couldn't hear anything but the life support machine holding him in balance. I couldn't taste anything but the thick build up of my own saliva.

"Charlie," I whispered as I stumbled in further. Up until now I hadn't wanted to believe it – I couldn't. But here he was and he was fragile and so close to being gone. This wasn't the man I knew, was it?

As I moved into the room, a flash of red caught my eye, and out of my periphery I registered the penny boy that had been haunting my dreams. I was too shocked to do anything but mumble at him, though. I'm not even sure what I said. All I know is that his presence was pushed into the recesses of my mind and it was something I'd have to deal with later, because right now, my father was in a coma.

As the thought hit me, I felt tears spill over heavily. I reached is bed and took his hand in mine, reveling in the roughness of it. _Just like I imagined_.

"I know you," I didn't recognize the girl who was speaking. "I know you so well."

I felt a wave of guilt wash over me as I processed the fact that I was not this upset at Renee and Phil's funeral. I didn't shed a single tear. Sure, I was sad, and I felt guilty as hell. But it was different because now… now I felt broken, like a piece of me was missing.

And then, just like that, it all came crashing down. If Charlie was here, and he'd been here then who the fuck had been writing me letters?

I turned toward penny boy with obvious question on my face. He probably didn't have the answers I was looking for, but I sure as hell was going to ask. But then we were interrupted by another doctor. He was blonde, and a little older, but he was extremely handsome. What was it with people in this town being insanely beautiful?

They exchanged words about a patient and the sound of copper head's velvety voice did not escape me as he rushed out of the room like he was on fire.

_Whatever._

The older man stepped forward with kindness in his eyes, "Hello, I'm Dr. Cullen. Is there something I can help you with?"

_Cullen. Cullen… why did I have to remember that name?_

I shook my head, trying to find my voice, "Charlie is my father. I just found out about him, and I thought he had just found out about me – but the woman at his house said that he'd been here for months? That's not possible, I've been writing to him for months!" I finished, a bit hysterical.

The doctor's gaze switched from kindness to pity.

_No! Fuck it! Put that away!_

"What's your name?"

"Bella," it came out in a whisper.

"Bella, I'm Charlie's doctor, and while I can't help you with the letter thing because I'm not sure how that happened – but I can walk you through what's been going on with him." His voice sounded clinical, but kind.

I looked back at the man on the bed as a fresh round of tear's got stuck in my throat. Not trusting my voice, I nodded at him and closed my eyes, praying that these tears would subside so that I could get through this conversation. Dr. Cullen motioned to an ugly leather chair and I sat down, as he took the stool by the bed.

"It happened almost a year ago…" He began.

**A/N: So honestly, it's not as epic as I wanted it to be...but here's the thing: like I said up top, so much has to happen now, and I didn't want everything to come to a head in this chapter cause then the story would be over. BOO! So slowly, but surely I promise! things are going to be revealed. You'll see E/B interaction next chapter...PROMISE!**

**Anyways...the reason I'm so late (cause I was going to post LAST WEEK) was that I went to Lollapalooza in Chicago last weekend and it was AMAZING. ahh, such a good time! And also it was my BIRTHDAY on friday... so now I'm going to shamelessly ask for reviews in honor of my belated birthday. REVIEW! =)**


	10. Lies and Alibi's

**A/N: 12 fucking pages. My longest chap so far. Let's have a party! ... or not.**

**Hmm... kind of a review fail for last chapter. :( I love your feedback so sing it loud and proud ladies. Still though, thanks for those who took the time. And I love those favorites and alerts of course...**

**YankeeDiva rocks my socks. acwl is win. and insomniac4life96 kind of made my day with her review. **

**Oh, and just fyi... this story is just getting started. I have so much planned that we haven't even touched on so don't think that the rest is all E/B angsty fluff and finding out about the letters. Obviously that's huge but... I'm just saying, keep your eyes peeled.**

**Okay, I apologize for the needless a/n. **

**Disclaimer: smeyer owns. you know.**

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**B**

The scuffling of my shoes on the wood patio resounded heavily in my ears. I was nervous. But I had to do this. I just had to.

After penny boy left in a frenzy, Carlisle sat me down and explained, from beginning to end, the story with Charlie.

I didn't cry. I didn't shed one fucking tear.

I was too busy going insane. A myriad of emotions flooded through me, overtaking me, consuming me. I had no idea what to feel. Anger? Shock? Sadness? Confusion? Because they were all fighting to win at this point. They were fighting to break the surface of my carefully manicured façade.

I reacted plastically when Carlisle told me that Charlie had been in a coma for almost a year. I nodded as if I understood as he explained that his chances weren't great, but the town was pulling for him. I off-handedly mentioned the fact that I had been sending and receiving letters to and from Charlie, as if it wasn't a big deal.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to pull my hair out. I wanted to punch a wall until I could feel my fingers breaking underneath me as my own blood pooled around my bruised knuckles and filled in the cracks of my skin. I had this unrelenting need to hurt myself, to feel something.

I was alternating between complete numbness and a barrage of emotion threatening to take my sanity. Or maybe they weren't different at all, maybe the feeling was the same, but my perception changed as fast as my moods swung.

I briefly remember Carlisle promising to find out what the situation with the letters was, and while I did care, and I did want to know – and whoever the hell it was, was getting fucking castrated – it ceased to be of utter importance.

Because when it came down to it, the letters were great, and – seemingly – getting to know Charlie had been the better part of my year. But all my life, I knew there was this figure, this faceless person that shared my blood. And even though the personal aspect was something I craved, just knowing that he existed – I mean _really_ existed, like outside of my mind – was the most important thing.

He had a face. He had a name. He had a scar above his left eyebrow, and a patch of skin on his face disturbing his otherwise well-manicured beard. And as close as I was to having it, I was just as close to my slate being wiped clean.

I had thought about rejection from him. I analyzed it, chewed it up, spit it out, brought it back to life and then beat it into the ground. I had berated myself for months; the little thought that I wasn't good enough always hung in the back of my head. But at that time, Charlie was still writing, and for all I knew, he was perfectly fine. I also had Renee and Phil. If things didn't work out with Charlie, I _did_ have a home.

Now what? I was eighteen and basically orphaned. Sure, I could go out on my own… but I didn't want to.

I felt a tear trickle down my cheek as I let the emotions wash over me for the millionth time, settling on anger, for this round at least… at Charlie.

He was supposed to be there! He was supposed to be my saving grace! He was supposed to rescue me from my life! He was supposed to love me and buy me a Barbie even though I was way too old, using the excuse that he had to make up for lost time.

I was supposed to complain about curfew and tell him to put away his gun when I brought my first boyfriend over. He was supposed to change my life. He was supposed to be everything I needed.

Yet here I was, standing on the front patio of a strange – albeit beautiful – house, hoping against all hope that the beautiful woman on the other side could give me some semblance of hope. That maybe she could fill in the gaping hole that had taken up residence in my heart. Maybe she could be what I was looking for…

And maybe I was placing way too much hope on a stranger.

Gathering what little courage I had, I knocked deliberately on the front door. I waited a few seconds in anguished silence until the door creaked open silently. I freaked myself out for a millisecond due to the fact that there appeared to be no one standing behind the door.

Of course the ghost house theory was shot when a small mohawked boy yelled into the house without looking away from me. "Mom! Some lady's here!"

"Riley! How many times have I told you not to answer the door without me or your mom?" A burly man came into sight. And I nearly peed my pants.

He had to be the biggest person I had ever seen. His hair would have been curly, had it not been cut so short. The absence of his hair seemed to accentuate his already gargantuan muscles. His eyes were steel blue. Sharp. Clear. His lip was accented perfectly with a metal ring. He had an industrial bar in his left ear as well as what appeared to be a size four gauge in each of his ears, but I couldn't be sure. His right arm was covered in a sleeve of tribal tattoos leading all the way up past his shoulder and back to his neck. His left forearm had a picture of a familiar looking blonde pin-up girl; his bicep had a military insignia that was purposefully alone and showcased. He had a gothic cross on his calf, but that was the only one I could see on the lower half of his body.

My first instinct was to run, but since that one wasn't kicking in, staying frozen in place seemed to be the alternative. I was positive I had the wrong house. There was no way the tall, distinguished blonde woman from the bookstore lived in this mansion with Tony Tattoo and his mini-me.

But then I met the steel blue eyes, and all my apprehension melted. He was warm, and inviting, and family – all in one stare.

"Can I help you?" He asked kindly.

"Uh…hi. I'm Bella, Rose"—

A giant smile lit his face as he cut me off, "You're Bella! Rosie said you'd be coming by."

I couldn't help but smile at his enthusiasm. He ushered me in without another word. The small boy had taken residence behind one of the man's giant legs, peeking out at me with blue eyes and blue tipped blonde hair to match.

Rose must have heard my name, because she came walking into the foyer with a beautiful smile gracing her face, "Oh, Bella! I'm so glad you came!"

I leaned into her as she gave me a hug, reveling in the feeling of being wanted. "Thanks for inviting me. Your house is amazing."

She scoffed, "Oh, this isn't my house. This is Em's parent's house."

Noticing my look of confusion she turned to who I guess was Em with her hands on her hips, "You didn't introduce yourself?"

He smiled at me sheepishly, "Woops. Guess I forgot that part. I'm Emmett, Rosie's husband."

I shook his offered hand and mine had never felt so small. I would have thought it hard to wrap my head around the unlikely couple, but seeing them together – they just fit.

"Esme, this is Bella, the girl I was telling you about," Rose ushered me into the most magnificent kitchen I had ever seen where a petite, motherly woman smiled at me with warm eyes.

She stopped what she was doing to come around the corner and give me a hug, "Oh, hello dear. It's wonderful to meet you!"

I nearly wanted to cry at the seemingly simple display of maternal affection. Esme was a woman born to be a mother. I was sure of it.

"Nice to meet you too," I whispered into her shoulder for fear of my voice cracking.

She let me go and went back to what she was doing, the three of us slipping into easy conversation as I offered my help with dinner. I had mostly avoided the talk surrounding me while I made the salad, but redirecting and segueing only work so many times.

"So, Bella. You mentioned you're from Phoenix. What made you move all the way out here?" Esme asked sounding genuinely interested.

"Uh, well…" I was at a loss for words. What do I tell them? How much do I tell them? Did I want them to know about Charlie? Did I want them to know about Renee and Phil?

"Bella?" A male voice pulled me out of my thoughts. I recognized that voice.

My eyes snapped up to meet the very shocked face of none other than Dr. Cullen. "Carlisle," I stated, mostly out of shock.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"You two know each other?" Rose asked confusedly.

"I, um, Rose invited me," I pointed at Rose as if she had done something wrong.

"Carlisle, sweetie, how do you know Bella?" Esme asked.

"Oh, well Bella is actually—"

"A klutz!" I cut him off and he eyed me both shocked and warily. I didn't know what he was going to reveal, but I couldn't chance it. In that moment, I decided that I wanted to make a fresh start with the Cullen's.

Carlisle knew just about everything since I basically emotionally vomited on him after the shock wore off at the hospital, but the rest of them knew nothing. They didn't know I was a loser and a freak show. They didn't know that my mother couldn't stand the thought of me being myself. They didn't know that whenever my stepfather brought home a pizza for dinner he always had them put spinach on it even though I was allergic. They didn't know that I had been conversing with my father who had been and currently was in a coma. They didn't know any of it. And I didn't want them to. I wanted to be a new Bella.

Before Carlisle, who was at a loss for words at this point, could say something I continued with my story. "Yea, I was in the hospital earlier. I'm a notorious klutz…always running into things or tripping over my own feet. You know…"

Carlisle cleared his throat and I saw a look of pity color his features. No. NO! I did not want that. I didn't deserve that!

"Huh, you look fine now," Rose sized me up.

"I bounce back quick. Anyways, Carlisle took care of me." I explained.

Esme looked over at her husband, "I thought you were in the ICU today."

I blushed furiously at being caught in a lie. Shit.

"Well, I was down speaking with Dr. Packer when Bella came in. I had some free time, so I saw to her."

Esme's brow un-furrowed and she smiled her pretty smile. I shot a desperately appreciative look at Carlisle.

"Well isn't that a coincidence," a short woman that could be best described as tinkerbell flitted into the room.

"Alice, dear, have you met Rose's guest? This is Bella," Esme placed a warm hand on my shoulder. "Bella, this is my daughter Alice and her husband, Jasper."

I smiled over at the woman and her rugged but beautiful counterpart, expecting the friendly reception I had gotten from every other Cullen. Instead I was met with a cold stare. "Pleasure." She deadpanned.

"Alice!" Her mother scolded in a harsh whisper. Evidently this wasn't normal behavior for the pixie.

For a few minutes, no one moved or said anything. Alice was shooting death eyes at me, I was looking around uncomfortably, and everyone else – besides Esme, who was attempting to have a futile conversation with her daughter via maternal warning glares – suddenly found the floor very interesting. But then the beautiful blonde boy next to her stepped up amidst the awkwardness, "Hi Bella, I'm Jasper. It's a pleasure."

I took his hand warily, not sure whether I should trust him or not, but his gray eyes screamed sincerity and I had no choice but to give him the benefit of the doubt. I simply nodded as I took his hand, still a little bit shocked at the fairy's reaction.

Tension was thick in the room as Alice was unrelenting with her stink eye. Everyone else shifted uncomfortably, not sure what to say or do. Just when I thought I would spontaneously combust from the blush that was furiously radiating throughout my entire body the little boy from earlier came racing into the room.

"Mamma, when's dinner? I'm starved!" He skidded to a stop in front of Rose, looking up at her in earnest.

"As soon as your uncle shows up, sweetheart," Esme exclaimed brightly.

Rose sighed, "Edward _would_ be the one to miss this…" she trailed off before smiling brightly at me. "C'mon Bella, I'll give you a tour."

Fuck yes. Get me out of this kitchen from hell. I nodded shortly, following right behind her and making sure I didn't cross eyes with Alice.

Rose and I walked around the house, taking a seat in the sunroom – which was surprisingly warm, considering – and easing into conversation. Before she could continue the line of question from earlier in the kitchen, I asked about her son. She beamed with pride and all things Bella were forgotten. Thank God.

"You've got to be the coolest mom ever. Seriously, I wish I could have had blue hair as a kid." I gushed.

Rose laughed a feminine and strong laugh. It fit her perfectly, "Well, Em and I like to encourage creative expression. I know that sounds like a bunch of hippie-crock, but really… if the kid wants blue hair at seven years old, am I really going to discourage that? Hell no! We pick our battles and don't sweat the small stuff – which believe it or not, blue hair is small stuff. We want Riley to be himself and be comfortable with that." Her smile faded a bit, "I'm sure you can imagine the kind of attention Emmett receives from strangers. We want Riley to know that what matters is on the inside, and that whoever you are on the outside is just a representation of your art and your being."

I nodded and smiled a tight-lipped smile. I hope it didn't come across as disdainful, but I honestly couldn't manage anything else without breaking down completely. Rose was exactly the kind of mother I would have been close to. She was exactly the kind of mother I needed. And I felt inexplicably guilty for even thinking that. My mother was dead. And I told her I hated her. And I had meant it. And as guilty as I felt about that, what made me feel worse was the fact that even though I was wrong and I shouldn't have said those things – I _still_ wanted her to be different.

I will forever regret those being the last words to my mother, but I still hated the way she was. I would never have a nice memory of my mother, because of our last encounter. And I hated her for it. Even worse, I hated myself – for all of it.

Rose's smile faltered as I felt a lone tear roll down my cheek. I wiped at it furiously, not wanting to get into that now. Before she could say a word, I heard a beautiful voice behind me telling us that Esme was ready to serve dinner.

Out of curiosity, I turned around to see penny boy staring intently back at me. I let out a huge gush of air and averted my gaze quickly.

I was too absorbed in my most recent development with Charlie to really focus on penny boy while I was at the hospital, although he did blip on my radar.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about him… every day. I had no fucking idea why, but he usually manifested himself in my dreams. Ever since I saw the picture of him at that stupid town picnic, I couldn't get him out of my head. He was beautiful. He was almost otherworldly. And seeing him in person only magnified his magnificence. Now that I had ridden the Charlie roller coaster several times between yesterday and today and was ready to take a bit of a break, I could appreciate him standing before me. He was wearing dark wash jeans that fit him perfectly around the ass, but weren't too tight on his legs, and a The Who t-shirt that look perfectly worn, like he'd had it for forever – one that rippled and hugged in all the right places.

He wore a thick leather band around his left wrist, and a small clock was set in it. Other than that, no jewelry adorned his body. I'll admit I did a little happy dance when there appeared to be no band around the third finger on his left hand.

"Okay," Rose said as she pushed herself out of the chair. I followed suit and walked behind her out of the room. Penny boy exited after me – hmm…gentleman. Mental note taken.

I excused myself to wash my hands in the powder room before dinner started, and when I came out, I found the rest of the Cullen's all seated around the table already. There were two open seats – one next to Rose… and Alice, and one between Carlisle and penny boy. I didn't want to hurt Rose's feelings, but Alice's evil eye still had not let up, and there was no way in hell I was going to sit next to her for the next hour or so.

With that decision made, I plopped myself between Carlisle and penny boy. I was pretty sure my nervousness – which had conveniently intensified around the copper haired wonder seated to my left – was radiating off of me in waves. I kept my eyes on my lap as I used my hair as a curtain.

I could feel both men's eyes on me as dishes were passed around the table. Smiling in spite of myself, I loaded up my plate with mashed potatoes and turkey, as well as some green beans for good measure. I hadn't had a meal like this in so long – and I believe the last time I _had_, I made it.

Carlisle leaned in and I felt his warm breath on my neck before I heard his voice, causing me to jump a bit. It wasn't lost on me that penny boy's intense stare had turned more into a glare – at his father.

"Bella, we need to talk," he whispered, "why did you lie?"

My head snapped up and I fully intended on answering him – until I saw Alice's face from across the table. While penny boy's eyes were still on his father, Alice's eyes were locked on mine. I don't think I had ever seen someone so angry in my entire life. What the hell did I do to elicit such a reaction from her?

I looked down at my lap again, letting my hair cascade around me. "Later," I whispered harshly, hoping to God he could hear me.

Carlisle relaxed in his seat, and I knew he had.

"So, Bella, we never got to hear what brought you to our town," Esme shifted the attention to me.

Fuck.

What do I say? I didn't want to lie to these people, but I didn't want to tell them the truth either. They would think I was a nutcase. Although, Carlisle could at any point out me and then they'd think I was a liar _and_ a nutcase. But he had already had the opportunity to do that, and he didn't. Maybe he was okay with it.

Resolved to make something plausible up, I mentally scrambled for a believable story. I definitely wasn't telling them about Charlie, but should I tell them about Renee?

Probably not. They would think I was a monster. I would just have to wing it. Shit.

"Well," I cleared my throat uncomfortably and surveyed the table. Esme, Rose, Emmett and Jasper looked interested. Alice looked like she wanted to kill me. Carlisle looked apprehensive. And penny boy looked… nervous? Why should _he_ be nervous? "I, uh, just graduated high school last spring. I'm not sure yet whether or not I want to go to college or even what I want to do in general so I'm taking some time to think."

"That's great. It's such a shame when kids jump right into college and have no bearing about what they want out of life. Good for you for thinking about it," Jasper commended, while rubbing Alice's neck with one of this hands. While her glare didn't lessen, her posture seemed to visibly relax under his touch.

I nodded in thanks, here's where the tricky part comes in, "So there's this woman… lady… friend… of my family's. She's a friend of my family and um, she lives up here so… you know, I thought I'd come see what it was about."

"What what was about dear?" Esme asked.

"Life. You know, I just needed to get away for a while. I needed to… spread my wings or whatever. Anyways, I figured I'd come up, find a job, maybe look at schools in the area…"

Esme looked pleased, "That's wonderful, Bella. I hope you find what you're looking for."

I felt so guilty for lying to them because they were perfect and accepting, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell them the truth. I had no one, and I desperately needed _someone_.

"So who's the friend?" Rose asked conversationally.

"Sorry?" I replied stupidly.

"The family friend… who is it?"

"Oh… um, Sue Clearwater," I babbled unthinkingly.

"Oh Sue! I know her. She's such a nice woman. I'll have to tell her I met you at our next book club meeting," Esme gushed excitedly.

Fuuuuuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! Stupid shitty small towns with comatose father's! Of course everyone would know everyone!

"Oh, uh, yea…sure. I mean, I don't know her that well. I just, she was here… and I needed to get away…"

Esme waved her hand in understanding, "Of course. Are you staying with her?"

"With Sue?"

She nodded.

"No."

She looked confused, "Oh. Well where are you staying?"

"I have a place," I lied through my teeth.

This seemed to pacify Esme for the time being and everyone fell into easy chatter. That is, until Emmett spoke.

"You know, if you're looking for a job Bella, Alice could probably use some help at the bookstore," he addressed me.

I got excited for about a millisecond, until I remembered that Alice _hated_ me. Gah!

"Emmett that's a great idea!" Esme exclaimed looking at me. "Do you need the job, Bella?"

"Well…" I trailed off looking at Alice.

Nope. Still angry.

I felt a soft caress at the back of my neck and breathed deeply the scent that was inevitably penny boy. "Don't worry, Alice's bark is worse than her bite," he whispered in my ear… his voice was beautiful and his breath was delicious.

I felt the absence of his breath, but his fingers continued playing with my hair, every once in awhile brushing against my skin, causing ridiculous but amazing friction.

In my penny boy induced stupor, I believe I agreed to work at the bookstore, which apparently Esme and Alice both owned, because that's the only reason I would have gotten the impossibly deeper glare from Alice and the excited squeal of joy from Esme.

I don't think the blush ever left my face for the remainder of dinner. Afterwards, I helped Esme clear the table, and insisted on doing the dishes by myself as a thank you. She eventually gave in and left me to my devices.

I was halfway through the dinnerware when I felt an electric presence beside me. I turned sharply to see penny boy standing there with a drying towel. I smiled simply at him and handed him a plate.

He looked at me for a couple of moments without speaking. It unnerved me and excited me at the same time. After an agonizingly long span of time, he spoke, "You're a shit liar, you know."

My head snapped up to meet his eyes. Now I wished he had stayed quiet, "Excuse me?"

"At the table… you were lying."

I grabbed the plate and towel away from him in a moment of anger, "You have no idea what you're talking about."

His face showed surprise at me stealing from him, but quickly turned to a smug smirk. He gently took the items back and faced the sink instead of me.

It was quiet. And I couldn't handle it. "So, you're a doctor?" I asked with a nervous cough.

"Not yet." He offered.

Silence.

"So how long have Esme and Alice had the bookstore?" I asked again.

"About half a year."

Quiet.

"What does Jasper do?"

"He's an architect."

Nothing.

"Oh, well what does Emmett do?"

"He owns a small tattoo shop."

Silence

"In Forks?"

"Nah, right outside of the town."

Quiet.

"And Rose?"

"She owns a detailing business."

Nothing.

"Detailing?"

"Yea… cars."

Silence.

I threw down my towel in childish petulance. What the hell was his problem? I looked at him to find a smirk crossing his features. And it was lovely.

Stop it! He's making this extremely difficult for no reason! "I'm sure you can handle the rest by yourself," I said as I huffed out of the kitchen.

I was making my way down the hall, wishing I had paid better attention during the tour. Although, I'm not sure it would've made a difference considering the house was gifuckingnormous.

Soon I was saved, though, because out of nowhere, Carlisle appeared and shoved me into a room, which I'm guessing was his study.

He eyed me warily, "Okay, Bella. We need to talk… now."

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**A/N: I could say a lot right now, but it would all be useless and pointless nonsense and me just rambling. So I'll spare you. For now. **

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**Oh, and I'm pretty new to the whole fanfic world... especially the writing part, so if anyone _wants_ to Beta for me I'd be cool with that, I just don't know how to go about it. *Raise your hand if you're a n00b!***


	11. The Deception That Calms

**A/N: Kind of a shortie, but I want the next chap in BPOV. Hopefully it won't be a week till the next update... but even if it is, a week isn't that long to wait if you think about it. No promises. Real Life's a sneaky bitch.**

**Thanks to the reviewers. You all rock! hard. **

**Special thanks to YankeeDiva, insomniac4life, and acw1. You keep me going ;) **

**Disclaimer: smeyer owns.**

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**EPOV**

Of Fucking Course.

Of course the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on would manifest herself in Charlie's hospital room.

Of course I would run like a coward.

Of course I would nervously ask Carlisle for details of their conversation like the spineless twat that I am.

Of course I would be terrified to tell her the truth instead of manning up and doing what's right.

Of course she would bewitch my ice princess sister-in-law.

Of course my happy go lucky little sister would hate her.

Of course I would think she was the most magnificent creature alive and even after everything that has happened thus far, and everything I know eventually must happen, I want her to be mine.

Of Fucking Course.

She had always been delicate.

She had always been beautiful.

She had always been perfect.

But somehow, even though on some level I knew, I hadn't put two and two together. I had really realized how much I needed her.

The fact that my thoughts contained nothing but her should have been my clue. Or possibly the fact that I wished day in and day out to hear the sound of her laugh. Or maybe I should have gotten the hint when I started dreaming about her… as my wife.

Who was I to feel this way towards her? Who was I to want her love, her heart, her soul?

I was a monster. Worse than that, I was a coward. She had stormed out of the kitchen in all of her frustrated glory and I had followed her, fully intent on having an actual conversation.

Cue the cockblocking from the father figure.

He pulled Bella into his study like a mountain lion preying on an unsuspecting hiker. Had I not been on the 'inside', I would've suspected foul play, but I knew my dad and I knew that he hated to lie. So if he was going to do it, it had better be for a good reason, and it had better be well thought out.

I stood outside his office door cursing the thick slab of wood in front of me. What I wouldn't give to hear what was happening on the other side. I had been quite confused myself as to why Bella didn't want to come clean. I thought for sure the first thing out of her mouth would be a demand to know who had written the letters.

Although, I guess she was still functioning on shock. Either way, I knew the question would come up – probably sooner rather than later – and I didn't want to let my guard down.

"Is she gone?" Alice asked as she saw me in the hallway.

"No, she's in the study with dad," I replied, still straining my ears.

Alice shook her head, "Why did Rosalie even invite her?"

I turned my attention to my sister, "Why do you hate her?"

Alice avoided my question with carefully placed suspicion, "You like her, don't you?"

Her tone was incredulous and accusatory. I wanted to say yes, but I felt guilty. I shouldn't want her, and even more than that – I shouldn't get to have her.

"You do! You like her!" Alice cried and stomped down the hall angrily.

I was about to walk away and deem the eavesdropping a failed mission when I heard Bella raise her voice. I could only hear parts of what she was saying, but she sounded upset… like she was crying.

"My mother!... hoping that he… in a coma! … not fair! … all my life! … dead … the hell? … letters … fucking sick!"

I walked away as fast as I could, my heart in my throat. How could I be so blind? To not think fully of the ramifications of my actions? And now, another beautiful girl was going to be broken because of me, because of Edward Cullen.

I gingerly rubbed my chest, where the reminder of my actions permanently stained my skin in ink. It was the only tattoo I had – it was a punishment. I made my way up to my old bedroom and climbed on my bed. This room brought back so many memories of her. I would never forgive myself for what I had let happen, and yet here I was… the situation was different, but the ending result would be the same – brokenness. Her heart, her soul, her body… it didn't matter, something would get damaged and I would be helpless to fix it – just like before – because I would be the one that caused it – just like before.

I had already made my choices, and the end result was already waiting to come to fruition. The real kicker was, I couldn't bring myself to completely regret my actions.

With a deep sigh, and one more sweep of my chest, I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to tell Bella. I would have to be honest with her… when the time was right.

It had been three days since Bella came over my parent's for dinner. Apparently she had left while I was in my bedroom, and I hadn't seen her since. I figured she was getting settled in, but I didn't know for sure. For all I know, she could've left – Carlisle wouldn't tell me anything about the situation.

It frustrated me to no end, but I had to remember that to everyone else – including Bella herself – I was a stranger to the brown-eyed girl.

I was sitting in Charlie's room with a ham sandwich and a coke. The cafeteria was too busy today, and I wanted to visit my friend. I watched him curiously as I chewed on my lunch, wondering what it would take to wake him up. It had been quite a long time, and as much as I hated to admit it, I didn't know how long we would keep him on the machines.

Although, assuming Bella hadn't gone home, it would be her choice now. Or maybe not since she seemed to not want to have anything to do with Charlie.

I stuck my hand in my hair out of anxiousness and pulled… hard. I couldn't imagine Chief Swan not existing on this earth.

I heard a sharp intake of breath behind me and I whipped around, already scarily attuned to her presence.

"Sorry, I didn't know anyone would be here," she said timidly.

I stood up from my chair, ham sandwich in hand, and took a good look at her. She looked tired. She had deep purple bruises under her eyes, and they looked swollen too, like she couldn't stop crying. My heart wrenched at the sight, and I grimaced.

She, of course, mistook my face for anger towards her and she started to turn around.

"No, wait! I'm sorry. Please, come in," I felt like an ass for giving her permission to come into her father's hospital room.

She walked in carefully, as if at any moment a bomb would go off and set her entire world on fire. Once she made in halfway into the room though, her steps quickened and she closed in on her target – Charlie.

I watched as she gingerly swept his hair off of his forehead, running her fingers through the thick curls.

And then I had chastised myself for the millionth time today for wanting to know what her fingers through _my_ hair would feel like.

As she surveyed the room, her hand now resting on Charlie's arm, she found my eyes. She held them for a moment before they widened and she pulled her hand away from Charlie quickly.

The action surprised me until I remembered that she thought that I didn't know that Charlie was her father. Damn, this was getting so complicated.

"I – I just…" she trailed off, a blush staining her cheeks crimson. It was adorable.

I waved her off, letting her know that I didn't want an explanation. "Look, I'm glad you're here…"

Her eyes widened in surprise and the blush on her cheeks deepened and spread to her neck.

"I wanted to apologize for the way I acted the other day. I didn't mean anything by it."

"It's fine," she squeaked out, averting my gaze.

I wanted to see that blush again, so I decided to take my chances, "To be honest, I only did it because you're so damn cute when you're flustered."

Mission accomplished.

We were silent for a few moments as Bella got lost in her own little world. If she wanted to keep up the pretenses of not knowing Charlie, she would have to work on her acting skills.

I was about to leave her to let her have time with him alone when she spoke. It was barely a whisper, but I was already so wrapped up in this girl that I heard her loud and clear.

"What's he like?"

My heart clenched. She sounded so defeated, so lonely. I couldn't even begin to imagine her feelings of isolation, but I could hear it in every breath she took. It also didn't escape my notice that she used the present tense.

I offered her the leather chair, but she declined, intertwining her fingers with Charlie's. I, once again, pretended I didn't notice. I sat in the offending chair and let my hands find my trusty copper locks.

Bella was watching me closely, expectantly. "He's one of the best men I know. He and my father are very good friends, so I grew up knowing Charlie. He's the best police chief a small town could ask for. He keeps the kids in line, but doesn't let the power trip go to his head. Everyone loves Charlie. Everyone respects Charlie."

I paused to chance a look at the woman in front of me and my heart broke once again to find not a grown woman, but a little girl. Tears were running down her cheeks and her eyes begged me to go on.

"He takes care of the people of this town, especially his friends. He loves eating at the diner. Charlie is the all American man – he's definitely a steak and potatoes kind of guy. The only home cooked meals he gets are from Esme and Sue, but they keep him well fed, and fairly healthy, so there's nothing to worry about. Charlie loves to laugh, but he'll be the tough guy when he has to be. He hates it when women cry, but he doesn't deal with emotion very well. I think it makes him uncomfortable. He's an expert fisher. He and his best friend – Billy - go fishing up at the Indian reservation all the time."

I stopped, not wanting to go any further. Silent tears were pouring from her eyes and I knew she was grateful for me not mentioning it – but I wanted it to stop. I didn't want her to cry any more.

I don't know what came over me, but before I knew what I was doing, I walked over to the bed where she was standing and pulled her to my chest in a comforting hug.

I expected her to pull away, but she did the exact opposite. She turned her body completely into me, burying her face in my chest and bunching her shirt in my hands as the tears were accompanied by small audible sobs.

I rubbed her back lightly and put my cheek on the top of her head. I was a bit surprised at how natural it felt to have her in my arms. It wasn't awkward at all, and she was utterly relaxed as I held her.

A sharp cough meant to attract attention pulled me out of my Bella induced fog.

"Dr. Cullen, Mr. Wayne in room 490 is waiting for you to conduct his check-up," Tanya said icily as quite obviously looked Bella up and down.

Bella made to move out of my arms, but I held her still, "Tanya, please ask Dr. Rhoades to conduct the check-up for me, I have some personal business to take care of."

Tanya huffed "But Eddie –"

"It's Edward or Dr. Cullen ,Tanya, please. And I know that Dr. Rhoades will not have a problem taking over for me," I replied effectively dismissing her.

I heard her growl in annoyance as she left the room. I turned my full attention back to Bella who was looking up at me with tear stained cheeks. She had stopped crying though.

I resumed the soothing circles on her back and she closed her eyes and brought her forehead to my chest. My heart was so full in this moment that I was equal parts ecstatic and full of immeasurable sorrow.

I couldn't think of myself right now though. Right now was not the right time. Right now Bella needed me to be there for her, to hold her and comfort her. Because even though I couldn't explain it, she felt right cradled against my body. And I knew she felt it too, because she never pulled away.

I looked down at her to see her cheek resting against my chest as she watched Charlie. She sniffled quietly and I knew the tears had started again. I placed a chaste kiss on the top of her head, letting her know that I was here.

She looked up at me and searched my eyes for something – I'm not sure what. Whatever it was, I guess she found it, because she decided to speak.

"Edward, I have to tell you something," Her voice was quiet and broken.

I rubbed her back a bit more vigorously, "You can tell me anything, Bella."

She laughed humorlessly, "I know. I don't know why, but I know."

She closed her eyes and looked down at her feet, I guess gathering her courage.

When she looked back up she had determination etched across her features, "Charlie, Chief Swan… he's my father."

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	12. I Want You To Know

**A/N: I am SO sorry! Remember what I said about life being a sneaky bitch? Well, yea... it is. This week was from hell. And I actually had the chap ready for you yesterday, but FF wouldn't let me upload it for some reason. So blah blah blah... excuses excuses excuses andddd you don't care! Anyways, here's the chap, I'm kind of nervous about the pacing in it, so tell me what you think please!**

**To my reviewers - you are all made of win. I love you and I thank you.**

**YankeeDiva****, acw1****, insomniac4life96****, whattheforks****, and mysweetescape****. You guys are whipped cream with a cherry on top.**

**oh, and lastly to Janiceelynn**** - thanks for the irony, sorry it flew right over my head. It's hard to tell with text! ;)**

**disclaimer: smeyer owns**

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**BPOV**

I looked up into his reverent green eyes and was rewarded with confirmation. Confirmation that this was okay – more than okay. Confirmation that I needed to tell him.

I couldn't explain the pull, and honestly, I didn't want to. I had never felt so connected to a human being before. Getting to – well seemingly – know Charlie was amazing, but nothing like this. Befriending James was fun and carefree, but this… I _needed_ this.

He watched me as I poured over my father. He watched as I caressed and hugged the helpless man in front of me, never questioning, never looking at me like I was crazy.

I wondered about that. Why he didn't ask, why he just let me do what I needed to do. But I guess that was the reason I felt so comfortable uttering the next words out of my mouth.

He had done everything right. He had invited me to stay. He had watched from a distance instead of hovering. He let me do my thing without questioning. He embraced me firmly but wordlessly at the exact right moment. He didn't let me pull away.

"Charlie… Chief Swan, he's my father."

I held his gaze as the words tumbled from my lips, wondering what his next move would be. There were a couple of ways this could go, and I had to be prepared for any of them.

I guess I expected shock to be the first emotion that flitted across his features, but I could've sworn I saw something else before the shock. Guilt? Sadness? I had no idea; I was probably just imagining things.

"I'm sorry?" Was his reply after a few seconds.

I clung to his shirt tighter, needing him to stay with me. I felt that at any moment he could run away, just disappear without a second thought. I needed to be as close to him as possible. I needed to be quiet and calm. I feared that if the universe caught wind of him, it would surely take him away. Bella Swan didn't have anybody, especially not someone like Edward Cullen.

I felt as if I were being played the fool in a cruel joke. I was just waiting to become the punch line. I gathered my courage – well, enough to continue speaking. Not enough to look him in the eyes - and continued speaking, spilling the whole story. Or at least the part I was willing to share.

"Charlie's my dad," I whispered and I wasn't sure if he heard me, but I kept going anyway. "I don't know if you know, but I used to live in Phoenix with my mom. I never knew my dad and she didn't want me to know him… but after I turned 18… I just… I had to know."

I stopped talking. I wasn't sure if he heard me and honestly, I didn't know how much more I was willing to say. For some reason I trusted Edward and was willing to divulge some of my story – willingly that is.

Yea, I've told to whole story, but it was to Dr. Cullen – and it came in the form of extreme verbal diarrhea. The poor man was just trying to do his job and I kept dumping my shitload of problems on him. First in this very hospital room just a few days ago and then in his home office.

He knew everything. He knew about my mom. He knew about her death. He knew about Charlie and he knew about the letters. He knew I was lying to his family and I begged him to keep my secret. He asked my why and I don't know what happened, I just snapped. I started flipping out.

"I lost my mother! And then I come here hoping that he – that my father – is willing to take me in, to love me only to find out he's in a coma! It's fucking not fair! I've been waiting all my life for this! And now my mom is dead! What the hell am I going to do? I have no home! And the letters. I thought those damn letters were the best thing that ever happened to me. But you want to know the worst part? I'm not even that mad about it. Sure it's fucking sick! But I don't even have the anger in me anymore! I can't! I can't be angry! Because I'm too caught up in everything else!"

He sighed, "Bella, you haven't lost Charlie. He's still alive."

I glared at him, "Ya know, you could at least be straight with me."

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean Dr. Cullen! He's in a fucking coma! People don't just bounce back from that!"

"Sometimes they do."

I rubbed my temples furiously, "Please," I whispered surprised at the desperation. "Please just… don't tell them who I am. I just… I don't…"

"Bella," he sighed, exasperated.

"I know you don't want to lie to your family and I get that, but I can't deal with them knowing. I can't deal with _anyone_ knowing. I feel so stupid."

"Why would you feel stupid?"

I groaned, "I just… everything's happened so fast. I don't know how to deal and you're family is so nice. Rose is…" I trailed off, losing my voice in the back of my throat. I gasped back the tears to choke out the rest of my sentence, "Rose is a great mother."

He looked at me, eyes full of compassion… and possibly pity, but I'd let it slide for now. "Okay Bella. We'll do this your way," he said kindly, but not completely contently.

I walked out of his office, said quick goodbyes and thankfully made it to my car before the tears came in full force.

I spent the rest of the night and the next day holed up in Charlie's house. Dr. Cullen talked to Sue Clearwater for me and she brought me a key telling me that I was able to spend as much time as needed there. Sue will never know how thankful I am that she didn't pry.

I found an old ratty sweatshirt of his and pulled it on, crying for everything I'd lost. For the most part I had remained quite stone-faced, I guess from the shock. But now, now that I had time to settle down and think, the weight of everything came crashing down on me.

I cried for my mother, I cried for Phil. I cried for Phoenix and I cried for James. I cried for Charlie and I cried for the betrayal I felt at the hand of whomever wrote me those letters. I cried at the fact that I didn't know who they were. I cried angry tears at myself for not hating them.

I spent the next couple of days after that cleaning up around Charlie's house. It was bittersweet as I saw how the man I called my father lived, but the house was also devoid of him now and every picture, smell, nook and cranny was a reminder of that.

I wasn't ready to go back to the hospital yet. I told myself I just needed time to think things through, but I just needed time to sulk. Thinking was a fruitless effort as I always came back to the same questions. Why me? Why now? Why both of my parents? Why when things were just starting to look good?

Eventually I made my way to the hospital. The whole thing was a catch 22. I didn't want to see him yet I had to see him. I couldn't stay away. He was everything to me now, even hooked up to life support.

And then I walked into his room and a strange sense of déjà vu hit me. It was just like the first time I'd walked in the room, penny boy was sitting right there, in the same uncomfortable looking chair, watching my father. For some reason it made my heart swell. For some reason it made me want to cry. For some reason I felt like _I_ was intruding.

But now here we were, and I was trusting him with my secret. I was trusting him to say the right thing because honestly, I was so fragile right now and I knew the slightest thing would break me.

I clung to his shirt tightly, hoping that he knew what I needed, hoping that he would refuse to let me go.

It was foolish really, as I wasn't anything to him, but for the first time in a long time – I felt safe. Not physically, but emotionally and mentally. I felt like I was in the center of a fortress, unable to be destroyed, and I wanted desperately to hold on to that feeling.

He rubbed my back gently, letting out a huge sigh. At his movement I held on tighter to his shirt and in return he tightened his arms around me. It felt overwhelmingly good, everything about him felt good.

In the recesses of my mind I realized how quickly I was becoming infatuated with this stranger, but the rest of me couldn't begin to care. He was here with me. And he was right. He filled holes that I didn't even know where there with a simple embrace. It exhilarated me and scared the shit out of me, but I'll be damned if I was going to give it up.

He didn't say anything - he didn't have to. His presence was perfect, and I guess somehow he just knew that anything he could say would ruin this bubble we had.

I wanted to tell him everything in that moment. I wanted to tell him about the letters and my mom's death. I wanted to tell him I was scared that I would be alone forever and that I wasn't good enough for anyone. I wanted to tell him so much and yet I didn't know how. I didn't know how to say it all. So instead I wrapped my arms around him, gave squeezed with all my might, inhaled his comforting scent, and pulled away.

When I looked up at him, he was giving me the most peculiar look. There was definitely compassion and understanding. There was sorrow and sadness, but there was something else. It looked like an apology.

I stared at him curiously for a moment, unsure as to why he would be apologizing to me, but he looked away at Charlie.

"Are you hungry?" He asked out of nowhere.

I sighed, the moment officially gone, "No I actually have to get to work."

His head snapped to meet mine, "Work?"

"Yea, I start at your mom's bookstore today."

He smiled crookedly, "You sound excited."

I shrugged, "I'm fine."

Actually, I was anything but fine. I had butterflies the size of Mothra floating around in my stomach. I hadn't seen Alice since lunch at her parent's house, but I'm assuming she still hates me.

When Esme stopped by Charlie's house to give me directions to the bookstore I asked timidly if I had done anything to offend her daughter. I didn't want to work in animosity and I could use all the friends I could get – I wasn't looking for enemies.

"No dear," she said sadly, "I'm not sure what's gotten into Alice, but I'm sure she'll come around."

She finished it off with a beauty queen smile and left promptly afterwards, leaving me exactly where I started – confused.

"What time do you work until?" He asked.

"I'm closing the store with Alice tonight so she can walk me through all of the procedures. The store closes at ten so I'm guessing I'll be there until around ten-thirty."

He nodded, "Well, how about I bring you some dinner?"

My eyes widened in shock, "Oh no! No, please, no that's okay. I… I don't want to put you out or anything. I packed myself a peanut butter sandwich so I'll be fine." He looked a bit hurt, which confused me, and my cheeks were on fire. "I mean, I just… you don't have to." I mumbled.

He smiled, the hurt disappearing from his features replaced with confidence, "I wouldn't offer if I didn't _want_ to. Plus it'll probably good for me to check in an make sure Alice hasn't killed you."

My eyes snapped up to meet his, "What?"

He laughed, "I'm just kidding. You'll be fine. But really, I'll bring you guys some dinner around seven, if nothing else than to alleviate the tension."

I smiled timidly and nodded, "Okay. I guess I'll see you later then…"

He nodded as I turned around awkwardly and walked out of the room.

"You're late," Alice was waiting for me at the front of the store, arms crossed over her chest, a scowl gracing her beautiful features. Yea, she looked beautiful scowling. Life was not fair.

I looked at the clock that hung at the back of the store. I was only late by three minutes, but I figured it'd be in my best interest to grovel. "I'm sorry. I don't have a car and I got lost coming here."

She shrugged, "Maybe you should have left earlier to account for your unfamiliarity."

There was no hint of joking in her voice. "I'm really sorry Alice. I got caught up at the hospital" –

"You were at the hospital?" she cut me off quietly, but her expression was anything but calm. There was a fire in her eyes that burned fiercely.

"Yes," I admitted timidly.

She shook her head, hatred seeping from her pores. Yea, she definitely hadn't gotten over whatever beef she had with me, "You're…"

She cut herself off, her fists balled up at her sides. She wouldn't even look at me. "Look, Alice, I don't know what I've done to offend you – but I'm sorry… whatever it is, I apologize." I said sincerely. I had no idea what would cause her hatred, but I wanted to move past it.

Most of my life people had been indifferent towards me. I hadn't had any friends, but people weren't mean, they just acted like I didn't exist. I used to think that it would be better for people to just hate me, because then they would at least be acknowledging my presence. At least they would have reason to account for me as a human being. But now, looking at Alice, what I wouldn't give to be invisible. She hated me and I was helpless to fix it, as I had no idea why.

"You don't know what you did?!" Alice raised her voice incredulously.

My eyes widened in shock at her outburst and I shook my head, utterly confused.

She was about to respond when a customer walked through the door and I watched as Alice visibly relaxed. "I'll be with you in just a moment," she said sweetly to the old lady and her husband before turning back to me, "I'm assuming you're not an idiot. There's a new shipment of books in the back, the packing slip is on top of one of the boxes. Go check the product in."

I nodded and walked away furiously, desperate to get in the back.

_Don't cry Bella. Don't you dare cry. Grow the hell up. Just do your job, get paid and then you can go… home. To Charlie's. Whatever._

I spent the next hour checking in product. After that Alice had me dust all of the shelves. Once I was finished with that, she had me reorganize the children's section since it gets the messiest. Kids never put the books back where they belong, so nothing is ever in order.

Alice had spoken maybe five sentences to me all day. I prayed every time I started a new task that I wouldn't have any questions, forcing me to talk to her. I was almost finished with the children's section when I heard the door open and close followed by a smooth velvet voice.

"Hey Alice, how's your day been?" Penny boy asked.

"Hey big brother! Things are going pretty well today, I've been pretty busy." So she did have a heart. Could've fooled me.

"That's great, Al. How's Bella doing?"

Such a simple question, yet I could literally feel the tension go up in the room as he uttered those words, "Why do you care?"

"Alice…" he warned.

"What? I don't have to like her!"

"I don't get you! You like everyone Alice!"

"Not people like her!"

"What the hell do you mean, people like her!"

Alice growled in frustration, "Just forget it!"

"No Alice. She needs friends right now."

My breath caught in my throat and my eyes widened in shock. I hoped against all hope that he wouldn't tell her about Charlie. I hadn't told him it was a secret – I just felt so safe with him. But I didn't want anyone else to know. Would he tell her? I didn't ask him not to.

"She's new in town, what could she have possibly done to offend you so badly?"

"Are you blind?!" Alice yelled.

I peeked around to see Edward pinching the bridge of his nose, "Where is she?"

"She's working. Don't bother her." Alice crossed her arms over her chest.

"Don't be a brat."

"I'm her boss, and I say she can't go on a break," Alice stood her ground.

"Alice, I swear, drop the fucking attitude. Now." Edward's voice went from velvet to ice. He was standing up for me, to his sister no less. I felt equal parts comforted and embarrassed, but I didn't want Alice to hate me anymore than she already did.

I walked out from the kid's section and to the front counter where they were having their standoff. "Hey Edward. Thanks for bringing me dinner, but Alice is right. She's my boss. You can just leave it here though, and I'll eat it when I get a chance."

Edward looked extremely flustered, "Bella, don't let her bully you."

I shook my head, "No it's fine. Really. It's my first day and I need to do whatever is required of me."

Alice looked smug. Edward looked frustrated. I was just hoping this would buy me some brownie points.

They stared each other down for a bit before Edward relented, dropping the unmarked take out boxes on the counter with a thud. He looked at Alice for a moment longer before a smirk graced his features and he turned to me.

"Well, Bella, I was hoping to eat dinner with you tonight. But since the Queen over here is making that damn near impossible, I was wondering if you would let me take you to dinner some other time this week?"

I looked at him, shocked, my face igniting in a fiery blush, "Uh…"

"Like a date?!" Alice asked incredulously.

His smile grew as he refused to look away from me, "Yes, exactly. Like a date."

I stared at him for a moment to long and his smile faltered.

"It's okay if you don't want to…"

"No!" I practically yelled as I found my voice, "No… I mean, I want to. I just… I guess I'm surprised."

"So is that a yes or a no?" He asked, his smile back in full force.

"Sure," I mumbled as I looked at the ground.

Alice huffed and stormed into the back, slamming the stock room door.

Edward stepped closer to me and lifted my chin with his fingers, forcing our eyes to meet.

"You let me know if she gets out of hand okay?"

I tried to look away from him, but he wasn't having it. "Okay?" He asked again.

I nodded in compliance.

He smiled, satisfied at my reaction, "Do you work tomorrow?"

I nodded, "Until three."

He smiled, "Great. I'll pick you up at seven then. At the Chief's house, right?"

My eyes widened in shock, "Uh yea, how'd you know?"

His brow furrowed, "Where else would you be staying?"

"Oh… right." I said stupidly. Of course Dr. Cullen wouldn't betray me like that. I trusted him to keep his word, Edward just had common sense.

He tucked my hair behind my ear sending a shiver down my spine as his fingers gently caressed the shell. "I'll see you tomorrow, Bella."

I nodded as he turned to leave. Once the door clicked shut I heard the witch behind me.

"Are you finished with the kid's section yet?"

"Almost," I said quietly.

She huffed, obviously put out, "Finish it and then you can take your break for dinner."

I nodded, making my way back to finish what I started. At this point though, I didn't really care. Edward had brought me dinner. Edward had comforted me today. Edward wanted to take me on a date. Edward stood up for me.

In just a short amount of time this move had gone from the best to the worst situation of my life. I had gone from hopeful to hopeless in the blink of an eye, in as much time as it takes to enter a hospital room.

But now this copper haired boy was making my heart beat fast and he was making me blush and feel nervous. I had to believe that Charlie was going to wake up, and until then, I had to live my life. I had to fix my broken heart and my tattered soul. I spent years having them shredded, only to have a giant blow taken to both when I moved out here.

It had always been something that I had accepted. Before Charlie, I had never looked for anything to fill the void because I had accepted it as a way of life. But now, now I had hope – not only in Charlie but also in Dr. Cullen and in Esme and in Rose, and Emmett, and Jasper, and most importantly in Edward.

I saw things in each of them that I had never even hoped to wish for before them. In such a short amount of time, the Cullen's had become my shining light, the beacon that I was holding onto. I wanted to know them and I wanted to love them – hell I already did.

I prayed a silent prayer as I finished the children's books.

_Please don't let the Cullen's be too good to be true. I need them._

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	13. Kiss & Tell

**A/N: Here it is, folks! Sorry this took so long. Life is busy... I'm sure you understand.**

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**Disclaimer: smeyer owns.**

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**BPOV**

"Welcome to Alley Cats!"

Edward ran a nervous hand through his hair as he gripped my hand tighter, leading me through the Bowling Alley that seemed to have been frozen in 1973. I leaned into him as I barely stifled my giggle. Edward looked back at me with narrowed eyes, which just made me laugh out loud.

He huffed, turning away from me and trying to let go of my hand, but I wouldn't let him, "Edward, it's fine. This will be fun!"

He shook his head and smirked at me, "I can't believe I thought this was a good idea."

I smiled up at him, "It was a good idea. It's the thought that counts, right?"

Edward shook his head again, his cheeks a faint pink, "I haven't felt like such a dork since high school."

"You were a dork in high school?" I teased.

"Can we have a lane and two sets of shoes, please? Size 12 for me and size 8 for the lady," Edward said to the worker behind the counter, effectively dismissing my jab.

Although the venue was less than romantic, I wouldn't change any part of our date thus far. We had gone to a local Italian joint for dinner, Edward promising me they had the best food in the city and that he often ate there for dinner – also confessing that he didn't have much of a penchant for cooking. The food was amazing, just as he said, as was the atmosphere.

If I had to use one word to describe our time together it would have to be comfortable. But not comfortable in that 'I'm comfortable with you like you're my brother' way, the kind of comfortable in that 'I knew from the minute I laid eyes on you that I could love you'.

I knew I sounded crazy. I had never been on a date before, let alone had a boyfriend. But even before I met Edward, I was attracted to him. I had never told anyone, not even James, about my crush, but I looked at that picture of him at the town picnic way more than was appropriate.

And then I met him, and I know it sounds cheesy, but everything just seemed to fall into place. The stars aligned, if you will. I felt like I could be myself around him, wholly and completely. I felt like we moved around each other like planets in an orbit – always anticipating the other.

I seemed to gravitate towards him and he did the same with me. I was nervous before our date, but it wasn't an anxious feeling. I was excited and I couldn't wait to see him.

I had known Edward for mere days, but it felt like I'd known him forever.

I used to scoff at people who talked about love being so quick and easy. If it was, why hadn't I even experienced it platonically?

But now… everything was different now.

He was taking me out to dinner and making me bowl. I was making fun of him and he was holding my hand. It was simple and nothing and perfect and everything.

"I feel like I should warn you…" Edward trailed off as we laced up our neon withered shoes.

"Yes?"

"I'm an excellent bowler," Edward smiled a crooked smile.

I laughed out loud, "Of course you are. What isn't Edward Cullen good at?"

"You're making me blush, Bella," he joked as he picked up a ball, testing its weight.

"Well… I have to tell you that you'd better step up your game, Cullen! Cause I think this brightly colored neon orange ball – which matches my shoes perfectly by the way – is going to be my saving grace," I said as I showcased the ball that I had effectively deemed my lucky charm.

"Really, Bella? A lucky ball?" Edward asked incredulously.

I stuck out my bottom lip, "You mean you wouldn't let me win?"

He laughed heartily, "Hell no, kid!"

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me to him, "All right, let's get this show on the road."

"Groovy man," I smiled at the roll of his eyes.

"I had a really good time tonight Edward," I said as he walked me to my front door.

"You promise?" He asked, only half jokingly.

I laughed, "Yea, I mean the food was great, the bowling was fun – winning was even more fun… and the company was okay."

His eyes snapped up to meet mine, "Okay?"

I laughed again and shrugged.

He smiled, "All right, all right. We'll see Bella. We shall see. Just wait. Our next date will knock your socks off."

I was cheesin' in spite of myself. He said next date. He said NEXT date!

"Okay," I slurred in my Edward induced high.

He smirked and I took a moment to assess the entity standing before me. I knew I was attracted to Edward, but I had known that before I met him. After knowing and talking to him, the attraction seemed to play second fiddle. I wasn't blind, I knew he was outstandingly handsome, truth be told I didn't like to think about it too much, because I wasn't sure how someone so absolutely beautiful ended up taking me on a date. If I thought about it for too long, feelings of insecurity begun to overwhelm me.

No, when I was _with_ Edward, it was about how he made me feel – how he could evoke feelings within me that I had never felt before in such a short time. It was about the fact that I felt as if our souls were on the same level – that we had some sort of cosmic attraction.

But looking at him now, he was the picture of ethereal beauty. I had never referred to a man as beautiful before, but no other word did him justice. He looked better in dark wash jeans and a ribbed long sleeve t-shirt, complete with a worn leather jacket, then most men did in a tux on the cover of GQ. His hands were stuffed into the front of his jeans as he shifted his weight back and forth, smiling.

He leaned forward and kissed my cheek chastely, "Goodnight pretty girl," he caressed my cheek with his thumb and I closed my eyes as my breathing hitched.

When I opened them up he was already making his way back to his car.

"Goodnight," I whispered as I turned around to get out of the cold and walk in the house.

Unlike every other time I had entered Charlie's house up until now, I didn't feel sad or desperate or pathetic. I felt hopeful and cherished and wonderful.

The aroma of the old creaky house brought back the realization that Charlie was in the hospital. But for the first time since I had gotten here, I felt the hope of something new on the horizon.

The telephone ringing brought me swiftly out of my thoughts. I didn't even know the number so I hadn't given it out to anyone, so I couldn't imagine who it could be on the other end. Then in a moment of excitement I raced towards the cordless, hoping it was Edward.

"Hello?" I asked excitedly.

"Hi Bella," the sweet voice I recognized as Rosalie's floated over the receiver.

I couldn't find it in me to be too disappointed as Rosalie was quickly becoming my best friend. What was with these Cullen's becoming the center of my world so quickly?

"Hi Rose, what's up? Is everything okay?" It was pretty late and I couldn't imagine why she was calling.

"Welllll, I know that you were on your date with Edward tonight and – if you think this is totally cheesy then tell me any time and I'll stop – but I was wondering if you know, you wanted to talk about it. You know, girl talk?"

My eyes filled with tears and I couldn't fathom why she would sound so nervous over the phone. But then I realized that she also couldn't fathom how much her simple action meant to me.

Once I was certain that my voice was under control I spoke, "I would love some girl talk, Rose."

"Okay great, because I'm outside and I really didn't want to drive home!" Rose squealed into the phone.

"You're outside?" I asked, astonished.

"Yep! And I brought all of the essentials."

"Essentials?"

"You'll see," I could hear her smile in her voice. "Open the door, lady!"

I hung up the phone and rushed to the door, throwing it open.

"Hey!" Rose walked right by and into the house, "Okay so I have Pride and Prejudice, Casablanca, and P.S. I Love You. I also have Chunky Monkey and Half Baked ice cream. So go throw on your comfiest pj's and we'll set up camp in the family room."

I stood there, stunned.

"What are you waiting for? Chop! Chop!"

I smiled tearily and ran up the stairs, following instructions. When I came back down, Rose had set up blankets and pillows on the family room floor that she had found… somewhere. She looked Amazonian even in her pajama's.

She gestured to the small oasis she had formed and I practically ran over, excited beyond belief for my very first sleepover… even if it was several years too late.

We settled in and dug into the ice cream right away, eating directly from the carton. Every couple of bites, Rose would have us switch cartons so we could experience both flavors.

"This is really, really good," I mumbled between bites.

Rose smiled, "Every woman should build a shrine to the entity that is Ben and Jerry."

I nodded in agreement as I scooped a giant bite into my mouth, letting it melt and soothe its way down my throat.

"So," Rose started, setting aside the ice cream and giving me her full attention. "Let's hear about the date."

I ducked my head as I felt my traitor blush creep across my cheeks and down my neck.

"Don't get shy on me now, pretty!" Rose laughed.

I looked up at her and I'm certain that my eyes were filled with adoration.

"You okay, Bella?" she asked, noticing my silence and I suppose my expression as well.

I nodded quickly, "Yea, yea. I'm… great. I'm perfect."

She smiled, encouragingly, urging me to continue. So I did. I recounted the date step by step. I told her every little detail and she laughed and 'awwed' in all the right places. My heart had never felt so big.

We talked until the wee hours of the morning, letting the chick flicks play quietly in the background but not paying them much attention at all.

"So how do you like your job?" Rose asked once we had talked the date to death.

"It's great!" I forced, "Esme's wonderful and I love being surrounded by books. I hope to be a writer someday, so being around the words of so many inspired people makes me feel… I don't know, hopeful, motivated."

Rose nodded, "That's great Bella. Esme says you've been doing a wonderful job…"

I met her gaze as she trailed off and she was looking at me as if she were apologizing. "What, what's wrong?"

She heaved a sigh, picking up the now nearly melted ice cream, picking at it. "Bella, I know about Alice."

I looked away, "Alice?"

"Uh uh, don't do that with me! I know she's being a royal bitch."

My head snapped towards her, surprised at the language she was using to describe her sister-in-law.

"Yea, I said it. She's being a bitch and I don't know why. No one does. We keep trying to figure out what the problem is and she keeps telling us that if we don't already know we deserve what's inevitably coming. Whatever that means. She won't even tell Jasper."

I fiddled with the hem of my blanket that was sitting in my lap, refusing to meet her gaze.

"Bella?" Rose questioned.

I shrugged, "What do you want me to say, Rose? I have no idea why she's so upset with me. I'll admit, it makes the workday a bit stressful, but I'm not going to complain. I have to assume that Alice has her reasons for her actions and I can't be ungrateful for the kindness that your family has shown me."

Rose looked at me for a second before crawling over to me and wrapping her arms around me, "You've got such a sweet soul, Bella. I know we haven't known each other that long, but you know you can always talk to me, right? About anything?"

I felt the tears spill over once again at her act of kindness. She tightened her arms around me and I nodded, not trusting my voice.

"You ready to go to bed?" She asked after a few moments.

"Yea," I whispered.

She didn't make much of an effort to move, just laying us down, keeping her arms around me. Her vice grip was incredibly comforting.

"Thanks for coming over tonight, Rose," I whispered.

"Anytime," she whispered back with a smile.

I had the most peaceful night's sleep I've ever had entangled with my new best friend. She was comforting and loving and everything a friend should be. Just like Edward, she anticipated my needs and I was quickly realizing that there were so many different kinds of relationships I had been missing out on.

When I woke up it was after ten in the morning. I had to work later on, but I wanted to get a few things done before hand, so I sat up, rubbing my eyes. After a moment of gathering my surroundings I realized that Rose was missing. After further investigation I found all of the trash from the living room cleaned up, the television off, all that was remaining were the blankets that I was currently occupying. There was a note from Rose on the coffee table informing me that she had to leave to get Riley over to school as Em had to open the shop. I smiled involuntarily as I thought about last night. It was the best I'd had in my entire life.

Stretching lithely I stood up and started gathering the blankets. I was carrying them to the closet in the hallway when I heard a knock at the door. My brow furrowed and I set the blankets down quickly wondering who it could be.

Edward maybe? In my dreams… I knew he had work this morning. Maybe it was Esme with more goodies. She'd been spoiling me.

I skipped over to the door certain that nothing could ruin my mood. However, my visitor was getting quite impatient as the pounding on the door increased in volume.

"Keep your pants on!" I yelled as I wrenched the door open making eye contact with the person on the other side.

I gasped and the color left my face, "What the hell are _you_ doing here?"

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	14. Confrontations and Reunions

**Less than a week for an update. Eh? Eh??? Okay, I'll stop. Ummm, I hope you like this chapter. It's pretty pivotal and tides are a-shiftin'. **

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**smeyer owns.**

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It's been several months since the best night of my life. Well, a little over two months. I have to say that after everything that has happened, maybe I do believe in karma. Maybe the past months have been an apology from the universe for such a craptastic existence up until now.

I was a little more than shocked when I opened the door that next morning to find Alice standing on the other side, indignant with rage. I can't say that I wasn't upset myself. I had no idea why Alice held so much hostility towards me – as she refused to clue me in – and who did she think she was? Showing up to my house? Well, my respective house. And at ten in the morning?

I soon found out.

"What are you doing here?" I asked intrepidly. I was officially sick of the bullshit. After my night with Edward and Rose, I didn't want the wicked witch of the west coming to rain on my party.

"We need to talk," she spat through clenched teeth.

She brushed past me in my moment of utter surprise and I turned to find her surveying the house.

How dare she! Who the hell did she think she was?

I slammed the door closed, effectively gaining her attention. "How did you know where I was staying?"

"Really? You thought it was some big secret?" She snarled.

I was taken aback because… yes… I did think it was a secret. I didn't think much of it when Rose came to the house because I guess I was too elated to have my very first sleepover, and Edward had used common sense to figure it out since he knew my secret – well part of my secret.

But now…

I mean, in reality, the location of the house wasn't that big of a deal. It's just that it was sure to raise questions. Why is the new girl staying in the comatose police chief's house? So therefore, I wanted it to be kept a secret.

I knew Carlisle had told Esme where I was staying and I had given him permission to. She had assumed that I was living with Sue Clearwater and was going to drop by to give me directions to the bookstore. He told her that she didn't have to, and that he would do it himself. But apparently, she wanted to check up on me and make sure I was doing okay.

My heart swelled when he told me that, and then deflated as I realized I would have to let him tell her. "Fine, you can tell her where I'm staying, but you can't tell her why."

He sighed, running his hand through his blond hair, like Edward often did, "Bella, I don't understand what your trepidation is."

"I just can't, Carlisle."

"But why?" He looked at me with compassion, truly trying to understand my reasoning.

I felt the sting of tears form in my eyes, "Because… I don't want them to know my demons. I… I didn't have anyone in Arizona – not even my mother. I felt like a stranger in my own home. I hated who I was and I get a chance to start over. I don't want them to know that my mother hated me so I wanted to run away and be the bastard child that my father never knew he had!" I was getting emotional and frantic, but I had kept everything bottled up for so long. "I'm ashamed of who I was. I'm ashamed of who my family was – and I'm disgusted with myself for that, but I can't help it."

I finished with a sharp intake of breath, reeling the emotion in. I couldn't let it overtake me – we were in the hospital.

"What do you suppose I tell her then?" He asked quietly.

I shrugged, "I don't know. I don't care… just tell her that I'm staying there because it's in town, right? You said Sue lives on the reservation?"

Carlisle nodded, "Fine. We'll do this your way for now."

His final concession was pulling me into a warm embrace. It was fatherly and strong. He didn't agree with me, but he supported me. How these people could show so much love to someone they didn't know was beyond me. I had only been here a couple of days.

That was a couple of weeks ago, and I had assumed that Esme was the only one who knew where I was. I guess I was wrong.

"I guess I did, yes." I answered her question.

She laughed humorlessly, "You sure do love your secrets, don't you?"

I was taken aback at her words. I wanted to be angry because of her tone, but I was more confused than anything.

"What?"

"You heard me, you bitch. I'm ending this here and now. My family thinks you're so good, so innocent, but I know your game, Bella. I know why you're here."

My eyes filled with tears. My worst dreams were coming to fruition. She knew, she knew my secret and she hated me for it. "I'm sorry." I whispered quietly as I stood unmoved. I really didn't know what to say though, because I wasn't sure what I was apologizing for.

Sure I figured they'd not want me around after they figured out why I came here in the first place, but I didn't think they'd be angry at me. Maybe they were closer to Charlie than I thought.

Alice's anger didn't make sense to me, but I couldn't pretend it wasn't exactly what I was afraid of.

"You're sorry? You're SORRY?! You think apologizing to me is going to make a difference? You are such a coward, do you know that?! How dare you!"

Now I was confused again. Her argument wasn't making much sense, "Alice, what" –

"Shut up! Did you even think about my family? No! No you didn't because you are a selfish, stupid slut! And what's this game you're playing with my brother, huh? Letting him take you out on a date?! Are you fucking serious?!"

Tears were uncontrollably running down my cheeks.

She took a step closer to me, getting right in my face, "Let me tell you right now that you are not the first to try. Girls have come and gone and nothing has broken them apart. Nothing! Because they love each other completely.

"But for some reason, my entire family – including my father – is enraptured with your presence. I'm not buying it. I'm not playing your game. You either leave now and crawl back to whatever hell hole you came from or I swear to every deity known to man that I will bury your sorry ass so far into the ground the heat from the earth's core will incinerate you!"

She was heaving as her eyes burned pure fire.

"Alice… do you… do you think I'm having an affair… with Carlisle?"

Her jaw clenched when I said his name, "No I don't. I think you're attempting to have an affair with my father. And I'm here to tell you that it's not going to happen. You are not going to be the home wrecking hussy that breaks my family apart."

I buried my head in my hands and sank to the floor. Alice thought I was having an affair with her dad. Alice thought that I was breaking her family apart. This was all some huge misunderstanding. I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or cry… though since I was already crying I guess my mind was made up.

"Why are you crying?" she demanded.

I could only shake my head as I felt laughter bubble up and escape my lips – mixed in with the sobs. I couldn't bring myself to look at her, as I'm sure my giggling would elicit the beat down of the century.

"Why the fuck are you laughing?" She yelled.

I shook my head again and laughed harder. This was so fucking messed up. Never in a million years did I expect Alice to hate me for this reason – for no reason at all really because I hadn't actually done anything.

I knew she was getting angrier by the second with me, but I couldn't help myself. You know the feeling when all of your anxiousness – whether good or bad – all of your frustration and annoyance and nervousness and anxiety, when all that builds up and there's that straw that breaks the camel's back and everything comes crashing down? Yea, it was one of those moments. I was simultaneously laughing and crying. I had tears and snot running down my face, but I couldn't breath and my stomach hurt from utilizing the muscles it took to laugh so hard.

She stomped her foot in demand and I figured I'd better reel myself in before she resorted to physical violence. I knew she could beat me up anyway, even without my cry/laugh being a hindrance.

"I'm sorry, Alice. I'm sorry!" I choked out.

"I told you not to say you were sorry! I don't want to even hear it because I'm not going to stand here and justify your actions with forgiveness! Just get the fuck out of our lives!"

I shook my head furiously, her outburst significantly sobering me, "No, you don't understand!"

"I understand enough. You"—

"No! You don't! Will you just listen for five seconds?!" My ridiculous display of my culminating emotions came to a halt as I turned angry. She was not going to accuse me of adultery and then not let me explain myself. She didn't have all the facts and while I understood that she was being protective of her family she was completely wrong and her justification for treating me like shit since I got here was completely wrong.

She shut up at my outburst, obviously not expecting me to react that way. I probably appeared bi-polar in this instance, but she had to let me explain.

Her surprise quickly turned to a smug smirk before I could begin my piece, "What? Don't tell me you're going to deny it. At least have the balls to cop to your crime!"

"Alice…"

"No, seriously!" she laughed, "Are you going to stand there and pretend that you're all innocent? I know your game and I'm calling you out, just admit it and leave already! Go back to mommy and daddy, get a real job, learn how to live in the real world and maybe just maybe you won't be such a worthless excuse for a woman."

"Shut up! Shut up you judgmental pixie!" The tears had started again, but they were leaking from my eyes and not inhibiting my voice, which I desperately needed at this point. I had been understanding of her stance up until this very moment. In fact, I even admired her somewhat for being so protective of her family, even if she was totally off base, and if I were being completely honest, I'd say I was a little bit jealous as well. But she had just put the proverbial nail in my coffin. She had broken me completely with her words.

She was on fire and indignant with rage, and I couldn't pinpoint exactly which emotion I wanted to go with at this point. I was angry and hurt and confused and scared. I felt worthless and insignificant and inadequate and lonely. She had laid out on the table every single feeling I had been burying deep inside of me since long before I came here. And I didn't care if she would know, I didn't care if she would pity me or judge me because at this point things couldn't get much worse.

Much like that first day in the hospital with Dr. Cullen, I found myself with verbal diarrhea.

"Damn it!" I screamed to no one. "And damn you!" I screamed at her. "I can't believe you! You asked if I was denying your accusations?! Well, yes! I am! Because it never happened! And it will never happen!

"I don't care who the fuck you think you are but you had better get your facts straight before you ruin my life any more than it's already been ruined. Despite what you think, you don't know anything about me – including the reason that I showed up here!

"I never had nor will I ever have any intentions of luring your father with my siren call. Your father happens to be a very good man, a man who has kept a secret for me at my request… but it's a moot point now since things couldn't get any worse than they currently are!"

I exhaled sharply, my throat hurting from the spectacle I was making of myself. Alice stood in silence, I had obviously peaked her interest with my cryptic information and she was waiting to see where I was going.

_No time like the present_, I thought.

I rubbed my temples with my fingers and she sat down across the hall from me.

"I'm not staying in this house because Sue Clearwater is my friend. In fact, I had never met her before my first day here. I'm staying in this house because Charlie… Chief Swan… whatever… he's my father."

Her breath hitched and her eyes went wide. I felt like I was on an episode of Days of Our Lives and I wanted to kill myself. Her silence was an encouragement to continue.

"I used to live in Phoenix with my mom and her husband. Growing up, she wouldn't tell me who my father was, no matter how much I begged. She didn't want me to know him.

"Anyways, my mother and I never really got along. I didn't exactly fit the cookie cutter persona she had picked out for me, so I was desperate to find a way out. As soon as I turned 18, I got a hold of my birth certificate and found Charlie Swan. I got his address and wrote him a letter." I shook my head, the tears still falling. How much did I want to tell her?

The words kept tumbling out, so I guess I wanted to tell her all of it, "I received a letter back, and thus began our communication."

I stopped as the tears came harder, the full weight of the situation sitting heavily on my shoulders.

"Things got worse with my mom as I was writing to Charlie. She hated it and it was just one more thing that she didn't like about me. I was working up the courage to ask Charlie if I could come live with him, at least temporarily because I was sure it would be better than what I had going on with my mom."

My voice cracked as I shared the next part and I looked upwards, hoping to curb the tears, "My mom and I got in a huge fight right before Christmas. I told her I hated her and then – as fate would have it – she died that very night in a car crash, she and Phil both actually.

"So after I buried them, I came out here, hoping against all hope that Charlie would have me. I was anxious and nervous as hell, but excited too, because Charlie seemed to get me."

The floodgates opened right then, but I didn't have to finish – Alice knew. "Charlie's in a coma," she whispered.

I nodded but I wouldn't meet her gaze.

It was awhile before she spoke again and I wasn't sure if it was because she was gathering the courage or because she hadn't put the pieces together. Either way, the next words out of her mouth spurred on the breakdown that I was currently experiencing before my would-be worst enemy.

"So… who's been writing the letters?"

"I don't know!" I yelled. It wasn't meant towards her, I was just so frustrated with the situation.

I buried my face into my knees and cried for everything I had lost and the things I hadn't ever even gained. I cried for my mother and father. I cried for Edward and Carlisle, Rose and Alice, Esme and Jasper and Emmett. I cried for James and Peter and Charlotte. I cried for Riley and Phil. I cried for myself – the old me and the new me.

After what felt like hours I felt a tiny hand touch my back lightly. My forehead was beading with sweat, my nose running uncontrollably as the tears continued to fall. My throat was raw and my muscles ached. I was tired and I just wanted to be alone.

Alice knew. She knew everything. She broke me on her high horse and I was completely vulnerable in front of her. I was angry with her for it, or maybe I was angry at myself for allowing it, but either way, I didn't want to be around anyone at this point – much less her.

I shrugged her hand off of my back and stood in one swift move, my legs wobbling underneath me a bit. Striding quickly to the door I opened it and looked back in her direction, but not directly at her.

"I'd like you to leave," I whispered. I internally cursed myself and how weak I sounded.

She nodded and got up. Grabbing her purse off of the ground that she had dropped at some point during our… whatever this just was… she got to the threshold and stopped.

"Bella," she said quietly, but strongly, "I know you probably don't want to hear this right now, and that I'm the last person in the world you want to be around… but… I'm sorry. I really truly… am so so sorry. "

I nodded in acknowledgement, still refusing to meet her gaze that was currently burning a hole into the side of my face.

I heard, rather than saw, her leave and I quickly shut and locked the door sliding down against it and taking residence on the floor, once again.

So here we are, several months later, and while things were bumpy for a while, I can honestly say that I've never been happier in my entire life.

After the confrontation with Alice, things were awkward – but not hostile anymore. She started treating me like an employee instead of like dirt and while things are still a bit weird sometimes, we're on our way to a nice friendship.

I found out that she's just running the store for Esme until it gets going and then she wants to go to design school. Alice was actually a really interesting person and for as uncomfortable and heartbreaking as that day was, it was necessary. We cleared the air, and things weren't perfect, but it was definitely getting better.

Alice never told anyone what I told her that day at the house – but I did.

It took a couple of weeks, but I figured that if Alice knew, everyone had the right to know. Rose was such a good friend; she was always there for me. Not a day went by that she didn't stop by the bookstore or give me a call just to see what was up. And of course everyone else in the family had taken me in so wholeheartedly, the guilt eventually became too much – especially since two members of the family knew the whole story and one knew half.

They reacted… the exact opposite of how I would have expected. I brushed of the semblance of pity that I saw in their eyes and focused on the understanding and trust – the care and the kindness. They didn't push me away; they surrounded me with love and comfort.

They knew my secret and they still wanted me, maybe I wasn't broken after all.

And then there was Edward. I haven't gone twenty-four hours without seeing him since our first date. He held me and comforted me when I told him everything. He laughed at my jokes and snickered at my clumsiness. He would run his fingers across my cheek every time I blushed and tell me how much he loved seeing it. He would kiss my lips hard and with reckless abandon one minute and then turn around and suck my bottom lip between his slowly and gently, savoring me. He brought me coffee if I was working a morning shift and dinner if I was working a night shift. He visited Charlie with me every day and held me when things got too overwhelming. He took me on romantic dates like when he took me to Canlis Restaurant in Seattle. He took me on fun dates like when he took me to see the local high school's football game and bought me popcorn and a t-shirt. He took me with him to his parent's every week for dinner and we always stayed late to play board games with his siblings.

It was the life I never thought I'd have. I had friends and I had a family. And I had a man that I loved.

Yea… I definitely loved him. We hadn't said anything out loud. Really, I had no idea what he was thinking. I would hope that he wasn't spending all of his time with me just for a quick fuck and run, but I was desperately trying not to get my hopes up.

I had spent my entire life basically being told I wasn't good enough, so while Edward made me feel special in every sense of the word, sometimes those old insecurities crept up and I didn't know what to do with them.

I wanted to tell him. So badly, I wanted to tell him. But I wasn't sure if I had the courage to put myself out there before he did.

Edward was great, amazing actually. But sometimes, I don't know, I just got the feeling that he wasn't all there, wasn't always with me. Sometimes when I said something – of no consequence, mind you – his eyes would cloud over in an emotionless mask, he would completely shut down for a bit. And then in a couple of seconds he was back to normal, as if nothing had ever happened.

Maybe I was just being paranoid, and I was definitely being obsessive. The fact that I even recognized the change in his demeanor was a sign that I was watching him too closely.

Even still, I was way too far-gone to let it bother me. I wanted him – only him and all of him. It scared the shit out of me that I didn't exactly know if we were on the same level emotionally, but for the first time in my life I felt appreciated and desired and wanted and I wasn't going to mess it up – not for anything.

I still went to see Charlie every day, and I prayed, every day that he would wake up. Both Edward and Dr. Cullen had told me that it would be good for me to talk to him, but I couldn't. I just… I didn't know what to say. I just sat there and held his hand, memorized the contours of his face. I imagined my life with him actively in it, and it was something I wanted for myself every single day.

On the days that it got to be too much and I needed Edward's touch, I never let go of him – of Charlie. While I was in that room, our hands were always intertwined. Sometimes I thought I felt him twitch and I would excite myself over nothing, but I still had hope. I had too.

No one had come forward about the letters and as I had accidentally left them back in Phoenix there was no way to run any sort of test on them – not that I was sure I wanted it to be that drastic.

I wanted to know, I desperately wanted to know, but unlike when I first got here and everything was so overwhelming, I found myself enjoying my life. For comfort more than anything I told myself it was some stupid janitor or something getting his kicks. Sometimes that upset me too though, because the person who wrote those letters was beautiful and I thought they meant something to me.

My emotions over the matter were quite conflicting, so I repressed the thoughts regarding it most times.

Yea, maybe it was unhealthy and it would later come back to bite me in the ass, but I couldn't find it in myself to care right now. I had too much to worry about and also too much to be grateful for.

Every day I got a little bit more okay with the fact that I would probably never find the person who simultaneously ruined and mended my life.

If I hadn't received those letters who knows if things would have escalated with my mother, who knows if I would've had the courage to run away. And who knows if I would ever find out that my father was in a coma – waiting this out was probably the hardest thing I had ever had to do and I hadn't even formally met the man.

But then, if I hadn't received those letters, I definitely wouldn't have come here and I definitely wouldn't have met the Cullen's and therefore I definitely would not have met Edward.

I pulled into the driveway of Charlie's house, making a mental to-do list. Edward was coming over for dinner and I had to prepare the meal and clean up the house a bit as it was looking like quite the sty.

As I pulled all the way up I saw an unfamiliar car parked in the driveway and I felt my brow furrow in confusion. I knew a lot of people in town at this point, thanks to the Cullen's, and I didn't recognize the car belonging to anyone I would know. There was a figure standing by the front door, but I couldn't make out who it was.

I figured a robber wouldn't be waiting for me on my front porch, so I climbed out of the car curiously and confidently.

Going around to the passenger side, I opened the door and grabbed whatever I could, the plastic from the bags straining my fingers under the weight of what was inside.

I got to the bottom of the porch steps before I recognized the man standing before me. It'd been months since I'd seen him and I couldn't believe he was standing in front of me right now.

I instantly felt guilty for neglecting him as he had tried to call me a lot when I first arrived, but I was just too much of a mess to return his concerned calls. Since then I had all but forgotten about him and I hated myself for it, because here he was and he was smiling at me like nothing had changed.

He was even wearing the Grinch tie I got him… classic.

I dropped the bags that were in my hands to the ground and bounded up the stairs, lunging at him. He caught me tightly, fully expecting this reaction, apparently, and held on fiercely.

"I missed you Cinderella-Bella," he whispered into my hair.

I grabbed onto his neck tighter as I giggled. James had been my first friend, my first true friend. And I had been horrible to him, neglecting him in every sense of the word. He didn't deserve it, he was there for me when everything with my mom was going on, he was there and he cared and he protected and he was everything I needed him to be in those moments.

I let him go reluctantly and took a step back to find him smiling down at me. I returned the gesture and skipped down the stairs to reclaim my bags.

"You want to come in?" I asked.

"Nah, I've gotta head out," he said as he helped me scoop up the bags.

My head snapped up, "What do you mean… you have to go?"

He laughed, "Of course not, I'm just messing with you. Yes, I would love to come in."

I scowled at him and snatched the bags that he had picked up, "Great, there's some bags left in the car. You can go grab those."

He smirked at me and lazily strode over to the car. I shook my head and giggled to myself as I let myself in the house, leaving the door open for him.

_Damn I missed that boy._

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**So you hate it, you love it? TELL ME! **


	15. Old Friends, New Life, Same Person

**Your eyes do not deceive you. This is an actual update. **

**Basically, I died...so color me Lazarus because I'm back. I cannot begin to explain how sorry I am. I feel that being a part of this site is a responsibility. Yes, it's tons of fun, but when you have people who are willing to read and critique your work, you have a responsibility to stay loyal to them, and I haven't been. I won't go into detail, but RL has been one helluva ride these past few months. I'm SO SORRY that it's been that long, and it WILL NOT happen again. You'll be getting updates AT LEAST once a week. I hope you continue to read, if it's been too long, believe me, I understand. However, if you do continue to read and review I offer my humblest thanks. Honestly, it means the world.**

**Disclaimer: SMEYER OWNS.**

**BPOV**

"Stop stealing the crackers!" I scolded James as I smacked his hand away from the appetizer plate. Everything looked perfect, which is exactly what I wanted tonight to be for Edward. He had been so good to me through this whole mess. I finally felt like we were gaining some semblance of a normal relationship… what girlfriend doesn't make her boyfriend a nice dinner. Normal, right?

Girlfriend. I still got giddy over the word. It was just a word, a stupid label. I didn't care about labels, so why did I care about this so much?

Because your boyfriend is Edward Fucking Cullen.

I smirked to myself.

Hell yes.

"Come on! I helped you clean and get dinner ready for your guest! Why can't I have a cracker?!"

I shot James a questioning look. He had refused to acknowledge the fact that Edward was my boyfriend – kept calling him 'my guest'. Whatever, I wasn't about to ask him about it. I was just glad to have him around. I couldn't believe he still wanted to talk to me after all of this time and after all of the unreturned phone calls.

He really was my first true friend.

"All right. One cracker!" I clarified.

He smiled and followed directions, popping the flat bread into his mouth in one bite.

"So Bella-Bean, whatcha been doin with your life?" He asked as he munched.

"Bella-Bean?" I asked, eyebrow raised.

He shrugged, "Eh, I figured I'd try it out. No go?"

I giggled and shook my head, "Nah, I'll just stick to one nickname, thank you very much."

He pouted back at me in fake hurt.

"My life… well, my life has been…" I trailed off, not really knowing how to describe the last few months in just a few short words. It feels like I've lived years of my life in moments that merely passed by. "A whirlwind."

He raised a quizzical eyebrow at my vague answer, "Really, Swan? That's the best you've got? You – for all intents and purposes – drop off the face of the earth and now that I've found you, you're not going to give it up?"

I smiled wide as a pang of guilt resonated through my stomach. I knew he was joking, well I hoped he was joking… but still, I felt awful about my treatment of him over the last few months. Yet here he was, he had found me, and he wanted to know how my life was.

"Oh, it's details that you want then, eh?"

"That's what I'm talking aBOOT!"

I giggled at his lame ass joke and launched into a lengthy explanation of my life after Phoenix. He rubbed my back when I felt the sting of tears prick my eyes, and he laughed when I explained the whole Dr. Cullen misunderstanding with Alice. He hugged me when I told him about Charlie and the letters, and scowled when I didn't make a big deal about it.

"So you don't care who forged your father's identity to obviously get you here?" He asked, obviously irked.

"Of course I care, James, but I'm not going to spend all of my time worrying about it! Look, I've been here for months and nothing's come up. Does it bother me? Hell yea it bothers me… when or if I see that person, they will be sure to get more than just a piece of my mind, but things are going great for me right now – minus Charlie being in a coma – and…maybe it's selfish, but…"

I trailed off as tears threatened to spill once again. James sighed a guilty sigh and pulled me into an embrace, rubbing soothing circles into my back.

"I love it here, James," I whispered as if scared to say it out loud. "I've never had this kind of life before, the kind of life where people genuinely care. I have hope for Charlie, I do, but for the first time in my life I have a family. An honest to God family. I have friends and a man that I love…"

His posture went stiff as the 'L' word tumbled from my lips.

"Love?" He asked.

I could feel my cheeks flush as I realized what I had just said. My head buried further into James' chest as I tried to hide myself. I hadn't admitted it to anybody yet, I wasn't even aware that I had fully convinced myself. But as I said the words, I knew they were true, and embarrassed as I was, it was also extremely liberating.

I nodded my head into his chest as I felt my smile grow wider with each passing moment. I loved him. I absolutely and completely loved him.

James let me go as an awkward silence fell upon us.

"James? Are you okay?" I asked, a bit confused. I didn't think James had any romantic feelings towards me so I couldn't possibly understand what would make him react that way.

He wouldn't meet my gaze, his eyes glued to the floor as he brought his hand back to stroke his neck in an act of nervousness.

"James?"

He looked up and his gaze made me stop dead in my tracks.

"Holy Shit," I breathed as I looked into his eyes.

There was so much emotion etched across his face. He looked like he was in utter pain. He looked as if he wanted to yell and cry at the same time. He let out a frustrated laugh instead as he broke away from my gaze.

"Bella… I have to tell you something." James' voice shook as he spoke. I held my breath, awaiting whatever it was he had to tell me. Whatever it was that had forced a drastic shift in our conversation.

"Bella?" A strong velvety voice called from the foyer. My heart sunk and leapt simultaneously.

I looked at James apologetically whose face had gone from vulnerable to stone cold in half a second.

"Hey baby," Edward said with a smile as he walked into the kitchen. The smile quickly faded, however when he saw James standing there. You could quite literally cut the tension with a knife… seriously; I almost grabbed one out of the drawer to test it out.

"Edward, this is my friend James, James this is my boyfriend, Edward," I said quickly, hoping that maybe once introduced the hostility would dissipate. No such luck however.

I coughed awkwardly and continued to stumble my way through conversation, hoping that these two would quit baring their teeth. "So yea, James was, uh, my first friend in Phoenix… well I guess ever. Yea, cause, uh, I didn't have friends… ever. My mom said I was a freak. I believed her I guess. But still, who says that to their kid? Whatever, its no big deal. I got to do a lot of reading as a child. Do you like to read, Edward? Did I ever ask you that? James works at a bookstore. It's really a great place. We used to get ice cream and stuff on his break… but that's not important. One time when we went shopping I bought him a tie as a joke but he wore it anyway which I thought was really nice and friend like of him, so, yea… he's my friend."

I shut up when I realized that both Edward and James were smiling at me.

"You're one crazy chick Cinderella," James laughed.

Edward narrowed his eyes at the nickname, but didn't say anything. Improvement? We'll see.

He came up and gently guided my chin up, forcing my lips to meet his in a soft and sweet kiss. He pushed something cold and hard into my hand and I looked down, confused to see several kitchen utensils arranged in a bouquet like fashion – even tied together with a bow.

"What's this?" I asked, not able to keep the smile off of my face.

Edward's answering grin was perfect. I loved his smile, "Well, flowers just seemed too cliché. I wanted to get you something different."

I laughed out loud, "Different it is… I love it!" I exclaimed as I bounced up on my tiptoes to kiss him. I ran over to the sink, pulling out the vase that I had been using for all the times Edward actually did get me flowers. I skipped the water this time and stuck the utensils in there, putting it on display in the center of the table, making Edward laugh. I loved his laugh too…

I turned around to see Edward's face when James' caught my eye. Shit. I forgot he was even there. My laugh faded immediately as I realized the situation we were in. Do I invite him to stay and risk upsetting my boyfriend and possibly causing long-term problems? Or do I ask him to leave like a complete jerk and leave him hanging… for a second time.

James seemed to sense my uneasiness as his lips quirked up into a sad smile, "Well I'll let you kids get to it!" He enthused superficially.

"James…" I was torn. I didn't want him to go, but he really couldn't stay either. I knew Edward wouldn't go for that.

He shook his head, "It's okay Cinderella, I'll call you," and for the first time since Edward showed up, his face lit up, "and you better answer this time!"

I giggled, "You got it."

He walked up to me, disregarding whatever hairy eyeball Edward was giving me and drew me into a hug. I hugged him back with all my might, hoping he would know that I wanted him around.

"I'll see you soon," he said as he let me go.

I thought that was it, that he would walk out the door, but then he did something that made me want to throw up.

James turned to Edward and with a thinly contained voice said, "Can we talk… outside?"

Edward's mouth was set into a hard line as he briefly glanced at me and then back at James giving him a curt nod and following him out the door. I was absolutely horrified.

**What I'm listening to: "Hey Lady" - Thriving Ivory**

**What are you listening to??**


	16. Dinner Interuptus

**See? Less than a week! It's going to keep happening. PROMISE! Let me know what you think? I'd love to hear!**

**Disclaimer: smeyer owns.**

**-----------------**

**BPOV**

I stood in the kitchen, jaw slacked. What. The. Hell? Did James want to give him some sort of weird pep talk? Some threatening verbal ultimatum? Take care of her or I'll break your face?

And why did Edward go along with it so easily? Was it part of some man code I wasn't privy to? This would be valid information for such a time as this.

I paced the floor shortly, my temper becoming less and less under control with each passing second.

I honestly don't know why I was so nervous. So what if James wanted to talk to Edward? What was he going to say? We never did anything with one another so I had nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. And I really didn't think there was anything that Edward could say to James to scare him away… we were just friends… right?

_No, Bella! You weren't just friends! Not to him._

I felt ill as my stomach did flip-flops. I wanted so badly to have mistaken the look in James' eyes, but I knew that look. I hadn't known it for very long, but I imagine it's akin to the look that I give Edward every time I see his face. I saw the raw depth of emotion swimming in his crystal blue eyes and I wanted to scream and cry at the same time.

It wasn't supposed to be like this! Not with James. He was supposed to be my friend, my first friend, and until I met the Cullen's – my only friend. We weren't supposed to run into this problem. I just got him back; I didn't want anything to come between us again. It was my fault we became estranged the first time, and if he left, it would be my fault again.

I took to playing with my hair, pulling on the roots a bit too hard, but the temporary pain ebbed the nervousness I felt everywhere else.

I heard the front door open and close and turned, wide eyed, to see Edward stroll in like the past ten minutes hadn't even happened.

"It smells wonderful in here, Bella," he smiled as he walked up to me.

I stared at him incredulously. Seriously? He was going to be like that? Fine. If he wasn't going to be blunt, then I was.

"What the hell was that, Edward?" I asked, possibly a bit too harsh. I mean, James was the one that initiated the conversation.

"What the hell was what?" he asked avoiding my gaze.

Okay, never mind. Harsh it was…

"You and James, what did he want to talk to you about?" I crossed my arms over my chest as my eyes burned a hole into his cheek, willing him to look at me.

Edward shrugged as he sheepishly met my gaze, looking awfully nervous about something. "Nothing."

I shook my head with a sardonic smile. "Nope, that's not going to cut it, Cullen."

He sighed and went from nervous to annoyed in half a second, "Bella, just drop it, okay? It's none of your business!"

I just stared at him, the hurt probably evident on my face. I was shocked that he had spoken to me like that; Edward had never been upset with me before.

His eyes went wide almost immediately as he realized what he had done, "Oh Bella, Bella baby I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to take that out on you," he growled in frustration.

I shrugged, "Whatever, Edward. It's fine, let's just eat, okay?"

He sighed, "Bella, don't be mad."

I scoffed at him as I put the main course into serving dishes so that it could be placed on the table.

He came up behind me placing his large warm hands on my hips, applying pressure with his fingertips. My movements slowed as he buried his nose in my neck and took a deep breath before placing a kiss there.

"Please," he whispered. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten short with you, that was a jerk move."

He ran his nose up and down the shell of my ear sending the most delicious tickle down my spine, never releasing his grip from my hips.

"Please baby. I couldn't stand it if you were mad at me," he whispered into my neck, placing a kiss behind my ear this time.

"Edward," I breathed… damn, it was supposed to sound more in control than that.

I could feel his lips turn up into a smile against my skin as he flexed his fingers against my hips and turned me around.

I immediately wrapped my arms around his neck and looked him square in the eyes. Who was I kidding, he was forgiven, he had my forgiveness as soon as he asked for it.

My lips curled up into a smile as his eyes danced with mirth, his mouth forming a delicious pout. I reached up on my tiptoes and placed a kiss on his inviting lips. I meant for it to be a short peck, but Edward had different ideas. His hands, which were resting easily around my waist now, tightened as I went to pull away. A small growl erupted from his chest as he crushed me back to him, his eyes alight with amusement, and a grin firmly in place. I squealed at his playful action and laughed as he started to kiss me. As the kiss grew in fierceness, my laughter quickly died, giving way to lust. I moaned as his tongue grazed my lips, asking for entrance. I acquiesced quite readily, wanting nothing more than to taste the sensation that was Edward.

When we first started dating I was more than uncomfortable with any type of physical intimacy involving Edward. It's not that I didn't want to – boy did I want to, but I was scared to death that I'd scare him away before things even got started. Me, Bella Swan, who had never even held hands with a boy trying to mack this gorgeous man standing before me? It was more than just a little intimidating. I was damn terrified.

Edward being Edward though made everything fairly easy. I confessed my trepidations one day, my face as red as a tomato as I mumbled my response to him asking why I got weird every time he tried to touch me.

To my utter surprise he didn't laugh but gazed at me softly before telling me I was beautiful, cupping my face in both of his hands as he leaned forward for not only our first kiss, but my first kiss ever. It was glorious and amazing, and euphoric as his lips met mine over and over again. When I was with him like that, everything else melted away. I felt desired and happy and worthy as his simple caresses told me so.

Now, kissing him was as necessary as oxygen and nutrients for my body. I craved it and I needed it. As his lips folded around my bottom lip tugging gently, I moaned making him pull away, our breathing rapid. He rested his forehead against mine and smirked a very Edward-like smirk.

"Make another noise like that and we'll never make it to dinner," he whispered.

"Who says that wasn't my plan all along?" I shot back.

Yea, that's the other thing… I was becoming increasingly more comfortable with innuendo around him. The most surprising part was, it didn't embarrass me. Me, the queen of the cherry face blush.

He laughed and kissed me on the cheek, letting me go and bringing the food to the table. I smiled at his retreating form loving the fact that he knew that while I could talk the talk, I wasn't ready to walk the walk. Add that to the million and one reasons I love this man.

We sat at the table and were getting ready to eat when my phone went off. I normally don't answer my phone at the dinner table, or really anytime I'm with Edward, but I was waiting for a call from Rose about possibly having to babysit Riley tomorrow night so I wanted to make sure I didn't miss it.

"Excuse me," I said as I walked over to the counter to retrieve my phone.

I was surprised to find that it wasn't at all Rose who texted me, but James.

_Cinderella_

_We have to talk. Call me. Please._

_J_

My confusion must have been evident on my face because Edward broke me out of my revere.

"What is it, baby?" He asked, concern evident in his voice.

I shook my head, "Nothing, I just…"

"What is it Bells?" he asked again, getting up to come over to me.

"It's nothing," I shook my head.

But it wasn't nothing. There was something there. James' words were simple, but I couldn't help but think it had something to do with earlier. I looked up into the concerned eyes of my caring boyfriend and knew that I couldn't lie to him.

"James texted me, he wants to talk."

Edward's demeanor visibly shifted. He grew cold and distant almost immediately, shutting down. "Are you going to see him?"

I put my hand on his arm, rubbing his bicep comfortingly, begging him to understand my position, "Of course, Edward. He's my friend."

"I don't like him."

"You don't know him!" I cried incredulously.

"I know" – Edward started to speak but cut himself off, shaking his head and turning away from me.

"Honestly, Edward – you've never reacted to another guy like this before, I just don't see what the problem is. You have nothing to worry about! James is my friend."

He pinched the bridge of his nose, obviously frustrated. He looked like he had a million things to say – he probably did. But what he settled for was, "Do whatever you want, Bella."

He walked out the front door, and I just stood there bewildered. What the hell? Since when did James become a problem? Edward was protective but he was never ridiculously jealous when it came to me. There were a couple regulars at the bookstore – college students – that would chat with me and he never had a problem with them. So what was it about James?

I felt the tears pooling in my eyes as I remembered Edward's cold gaze. He was genuinely upset, and while I didn't want to hurt James, I knew one thing for sure. I was in love with Edward Cullen and I would do anything to keep him by my side.

With my mind made up, I grabbed my phone and sent a text off to James:

_I can't see you._

_I'm sorry._

_Xoxo B_

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**Road to Peace - Tom Waits**

**What are you listening to??**


	17. The Way We Were

**Hello! Sorry this is a few days late...I'm on vacation in Florida right now though, so I'm hoping you'll understand! PLEASE let me know what you think! THANKS!!!**

**disclaimer:smeyer owns  
**

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**BPOV**

I hated Wednesday's. I had work at the store almost everyday, but this, I didn't mind. I loved working at the store especially now that Alice and I had become something akin to friends. She was a really interesting person, and now that we had put aside her misplaced misunderstanding we were slowly getting into a pretty good groove – she even started to join Rose and I for our girl's nights.

No, the reason I despised Wednesday's were because I didn't get to see Edward at all these days. He was always scheduled to work either a crazy morning or a crazy night shift, and when he wasn't working he was with his mentor and then sleeping to gear up for the next day.

At first, we had tried to slip in a little time together while he was supposed to be sleeping, but I could see the toll it was taking on him. I even tried to take a nap with him, but he would get distracted and never actually end up falling asleep, instead talking to me or playing with my hair or showering me with his glorious kisses. While I enjoyed all of these things, I did what I knew I needed to do. I was a good girlfriend. I sucked it up and refused to see him on Wednesday's.

So here I was, at six o'clock in the evening, about to get off of work and I had no boyfriend to eat dinner with. Logically, I knew this wasn't that big of a sacrifice, but I still hated it. I hated not seeing him. As scary as it was, Edward was becoming as necessary to my person as oxygen.

"Hey Ali, I'm getting ready to head out!" I called in the back room.

"Okay Bells, have a good one!" She said as she came out front.

"Thanks you too," I smiled, "Are you going to be okay here? Do you want me to bring you back some dinner or something?"

She shook her head, "No don't worry about it. Jazz is supposed to stop by after he gets off work. Are you hanging with Rose tonight?"

"No, she's helping Em at the shop with books and stuff. Apparently, he's not all that organized. Imagine that!"

She laughed, "What? A guy? Not worried about the filing systems?"

I laughed along with her, "Nope, it's just me and myself tonight. I'll probably order some takeout and get some laundry done. Maybe I'll stop by and see Charlie too."

"I thought you were staying away from Edward on Wednesday's?" she asked knowing that if Edward found out I was in the hospital he'd be there in a second – no matter what he was doing.

"He's with Aro right now, he had the midnight shift so I'm safe."

She giggled, "All right girl, I'll see you tomorrow. Wanna grab breakfast?"

I nodded, "Yea definitely!"

She smiled softly as what I believe was nervousness melted from her eyes. It was weird to see someone as confident as Alice show any signs of nervousness. "Great, I'll meet you at the diner… say 7:30?"

"Perfect. See you then!" I called as I walked out the door, feeling pretty damn good about myself. It meant so much to me that Alice was trying to make amends. It seemed like she really did want me as a friend, and although I had never said it out loud – I wanted her as a friend as well.

Alice was confident and endearing, loyal to a fault, she was lively and fun and energetic and sympathetic and tough and sweet and just this completely enigmatic figure full of life. She was a great person and I was glad we were moving on from our initial problems.

I was unlocking my truck when I felt two rough hands wrap around me, one covering my eyes and one covering my mouth. Panicking, I made a move to scream, but it proved futile as the person behind me had already taken care of that. I started flailing my body, hoping to wriggle free of his titan grip, but this also proved unsuccessful as he had my arms pinned against my sides.

Then I heard a familiar voice in my ear gently shushing me and telling me it was okay. I stilled and as soon as I did, my attacker let me go. I turned angrily and stared into the eyes of my would be best friend.

"James, what the hell! You scared me!"

He chuckled, "Sorry, Cinderella. I didn't know how you'd react to seeing me and I didn't want you running away."

I placed my hands on my hips, not removing my glare from his indifferent face, "It's not funny. Horrible things like that happen to women all the time, you really scared me!"

His face changed to one of remorse as he quietly apologized for being a jerk.

I sighed told him it wasn't a big deal momentarily forgetting that I wasn't supposed to be seeing him.

In an attempt not to hurt his feelings, I tried to make some excuse about having a couple of errands to run before I got home. But he would hear nothing of it.

"Why are you avoiding me, Bella?" He ground out. I could tell he was upset, but more hurt than anything else. And it killed me.

"I'm not avoiding you." I replied, not able to look him in the eyes.

"Oh, so now you're a liar too?"

"James" –

I tried to explain, but he cut me off, "Don't even, Bella! What the hell? You're going to let this guy dictate you're life?"

"No! That's not it… it's just…" I trailed off.

"Just what?! What is so special about Edward Fucking Cullen?"

Now it was my turn to get upset. How dare he! James didn't know the first thing about Edward, and yea, maybe I should've been a little more sensitive to James' feelings in this matter, but none of it was Edward's fault. "Don't you dare! You don't know the first thing about him!"

The fire in James' eyes grew exponentially and he looked absolutely frightening. He opened and closed his mouth several times, clenching and unclenching his fists and jaw. He looked like he was holding himself back – from what? I'm not sure.

He looked away from me for several moments as if to collect himself. He looked absolutely tortured and I instantly felt bad about getting upset with him.

When he turned back to me his crystal blue eyes looked sad and soft, a striking change from the bold and unapologetic anger I had seen in them just a few moments before.

"I can't lose you again, Bella." He pleaded and my heart melted. This was my friend. James was my friend before I even knew Edward, how was I supposed to just walk away from that?

But at the same time, Edward was quickly becoming – if he wasn't already – the focal point of my universe. He was everything to me. I didn't want to lose either guy, but it seemed inevitable at this point. They hated each other and it was my worst nightmare.

I stepped forward and hugged James. He instantly reacted, wrapping me in his strong, tight embrace.

After a moment I stepped away to look him in the eyes. I wanted him to know the truth. "James, I love you. You're my best friend. But I'm in love with Edward and…"

I trailed off as James started shaking his head, the anger returning to his eyes.

"What is it?" I asked, slightly confused. I didn't think that what I was telling him would be a surprise; it just needed to be said.

"I can't believe you're in love with him," he said quietly.

I stood there in silence; I didn't know what to say. The fact of the matter was, I was in love with Edward and I wouldn't deny it.

"He's not good enough for you," he continued just as quietly.

The anger and defense came bubbling up and before I could stop myself I spoke, "What, and you are?"

As soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back. And when I saw the hurt flash across his face, I wanted to punch myself in the face.

He looked at the ground for a moment before looking at me again, "Just… be careful, okay?"

I nodded numbly, too angry with myself to get defensive again.

With that he walked away, back to his car. I wanted to go after him, I wanted to say sorry, but I couldn't move. Instead I got in my car and screamed out my frustration at myself. I just metaphorically slapped my best friend across the face. I was a horrible, horrible person.

Turning my car on, I shifted into gear and made my way to the only place that would make me feel better right now. As I pulled up to the all too familiar hospital I wondered idly if I would ever get to share my problems with a coherent father instead of a comatose one. Still, I would take what I could get.

The nurses that now knew me by name greeted me as I walked past, asking me when I would send in some of my now famous baked goods. I smiled at them and promised soon as I dragged my sullen ass to my father's room.

Breathing a sigh of relief at the familiarity, I walked to my father's bed, grasping my hand in his. This was all I did when I came. I sat by his bed, and I held his hand, not daring to say a word and disrupt the sanctuary I had created within this sterile room. I dreamed he would know my problems before I even made them known, and just his touch would give me such a sense of serenity.

My calm surroundings were short lived however as I heard a familiar click-clacking creep up on me.

"Well, well, well… look who's here," Tanya greeted snidely.

"Hey Tanya," I replied, trying at least to be civil even though what I wanted to do was get up and do a dance around her while sticking my tongue out and chanting 'he chose me not you!'

She smiled condescendingly at me as she moved around my to check my father's vitals. It was quiet, as I preferred, until she decided to open her trap.

"Are you a fan of secrets, Bella?" she asked, not skipping a beat.

I sighed, "No, not particularly, Tanya."

She chuckled, "Yea. I'm not either."

She waited a few moments before starting again.

"How about liars. Do you like those?"

I knew she was trying to get under my skin, and it was working. "Nope."

She didn't say anything else as she moved around, finishing up. Right before she left she turned around in the doorway and said, "You know, it always seems to be the people you love that disappoint you the most. Now why is that?" she asked patronizingly as she laughed and walked away.

Bitch.

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**So I'm from Philly and there is a MASSIVE blizzard going on right now. I came to FL on friday and was literally the last flight out to Orlando that night. I'm supposed to go home tomorrow but I don't know if that will be happening. Anyone else from that area caught in the storm? So Sorry!!!**

**I'm listening to Gasoline : Audioslave**

**What are you listening to??**


	18. Tell Me What I Need To Hear

**I suck. I know it. So I made it home from FL and then I had three days to get my shit together before ALL of my family (and there's a lot of them) flew in to town for my grandma's 80th birthday party... and everyone stayed at my house. and the party was at my house. SO I was busy and I hope you all can forgive for the delay in update. This one was kind of hard and I hope you don't kill me for the cut off, but a big reveal is about to happen! **

**And thank you ALL for all of your love and support. It really is amazing to know that someone out there likes your work. Favorites/ Alerts and reviews are all pure win. You guys rock!!**

**disclaimer: smeyer owns**

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**BPOV**

It had been a week since my confrontation with Tanya. As much as I didn't want to be, I was bothered by her cryptic speak. I wanted to brush it up and chalk it up to her being a jealous bitch, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something else was behind her words.

When Edward called me later that night to check in before we both went to bed I told him of my confrontation, both with James and Tanya.

I didn't want him to find out about either and think I was hiding something from him, plus it was stressing me out so I figured I'd turn to him and let him comfort me. Seems like the right solution, right? Let your boyfriend comfort you after a long day?

Apparently not.

Edward was none to happy about my conversation with James, even though I told him over and over that James had approached – and in fact scared – me. He hated the remarks James made to me about Edward and I not being good together, or more specifically, Edward not being good enough for me.

"He's right, you know," Edward had said sullenly after I gave him a play by play of the conversation. His initial response was anger and I could almost feel it emanating through the phone. But something changed as I repeated the words my friend and I had exchanged just a few hours before.

"Stop it, Edward." I said firmly. "He has no idea what he's talking about. You are perfect for me."

I wanted so badly to tell him that I loved him right then and there, but I chickened out.

He just sighed on the other end of the line and I had to wonder where this bought of melancholy had come from.

I went on to tell him about Tanya and the conversation I'd had with her. At her words, his anger flared right back up again. I wasn't sure what to make of this overly emotional Edward. His mood seemed to shift with each tell of my night and my encounter with James and Tanya leaving me to wonder whether telling him had actually been the best option.

At this point I was starting to think not since my boyfriend was - for all intents and purposes - ignoring me.

Yep, that's right. I hadn't seen Edward since Tuesday of last week. He refused to answer my calls, only responding to me via text stating that he was too busy to get on the phone to have a conversation. He said that the hospital was eating up his time, but I couldn't shake the feeling of rejection. Even at his busiest, Edward had always carved out time for me, even if it meant cutting into his sleep time just to see me for an hour. And he couldn't call me? Seriously? Excuse me, but what the fuck?

If I weren't so worried about the state this would leave our relationship in, I would've been pissed.

But the fact of the matter was that I was worried. I didn't want to lose Edward and all of the Cullen's with him. I was quickly finding out just how important Edward was to my survival. I knew I loved him, but now, having the prospect of losing him so prevalent in my mind… it made me ill, it made me feel like the wind had been knocked out of me. I felt like I couldn't breath, and even more – I didn't want to, not without him.

Tears of frustration pooled in my eyes as I played over the last week. I didn't think telling him about my conversations was going to make any difference. In fact, I thought it was going to help. But now I was seriously reconsidering it.

I had never wanted a time machine more in my life.

The worst part of it was, I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong! I felt so trapped because I didn't know who to talk to. I didn't really want to talk to any of the Cullen's about their own flesh and blood. Esme was his mother, Alice and I were just starting to have a semblance of a friendship, and Rose… well if I could talk to one person, it would probably be to Rose, but I still felt weird doing it. Plus she hadn't been around too much as she was helping out Em a lot at the shop.

"Bella?" Alice's voice snapped me out of my thoughts and I quickly blinked the wretched tears from my eyes.

Turning around and praying that my eyes weren't red and puffy, I acknowledged her presence.

"You okay?" She asked, worry framing her tiny features. She looked at me as if I were a mental patient, on the verge of attacking her.

I nodded my head vigorously, which probably only fueled her worry. "I'm fine, Alice."

"You know your shift ended fifteen minutes ago?" She asked, still concerned.

My head snapped to the nearest clock.

_Shit! Pull yourself together, Bella!_

"Oh! Right! Sorry Alice," I said, scrambling around collecting my things.

"It's fine Bella, I just… Bella… slow down… Bella!"

I stopped, frantic, as she yelled my name. I was on the verge of tears and being around Alice was making me anxious which was only going to bring on more tears and probably a really embarrassing display of my tomato face. I had to get out of there.

"I'm fine. I'm good. I just didn't realize what time it was and I have… stuff… I have to do. I'll see you tomorrow. I'll pick up coffee!" I said as I backed towards the front, pushing my way through the door at the end of my spiel.

The tears started silently streaming down my face as soon as I left the store. I held my breath, not wanting to make that whimpering noise that you make when you can't breath because the tears are falling so hard. Of course, this led to one massive breath as soon as I got into my truck leading me to almost choke on my own saliva. Note to self: never hold your breath again.

I made my way home in tears, made dinner in tears, forced said dinner down my throat in tears and was currently cleaning up the kitchen in those same lousy tears. I hated feeling this way. I hate that Edward had this control over me, but I hated even more that I wanted him to. I wanted to feel consumed by him. I wanted him to be my everything… hell it was too late, he already was.

A knock at my door startled me. I wasn't expecting anyone. Maybe it was James coming to apologize to me… again. He had been calling and texting me nonstop since our conversation last week. He at least had enough sense to not come over. It's not that I didn't want to see him, but Edward was my priority and I didn't want anything else screwing up what I was so marvelously screwing up myself.

I at least had enough sense to look through the peephole before opening the door, and once I saw who was on the other side, I couldn't have opened that door fast enough.

"Edward!" I breathed, wiping the stray tears off of my face. I'm sure it was a moot point as my face was bound to be red and puffy all over.

He surveyed my face and cringed. There was pain in his eyes and I didn't understand it.

"Bella," he whispered as his cool fingers caressed my face.

I could've sworn it was a dream, his touch was so gentle. His fingers felt like the balm to sooth my ailments and every touch sent wonderful shivers down my spine.

"May I come in?" He asked, never removing his hands.

His voice snapped me out of my momentary daze though and I opened the door wider to let him in.

I knew the smile that adorned my face had to look ridiculous but I couldn't help it. He was here.

It seemed silly to think that we had only been separated a week. The old Bella, the pre Edward Bella would've thought this Bella trite and ridiculous. But the old Bella didn't know what it felt like to be head over heels in love with someone.

"What are you doing here? Don't you have work?" I asked.

He shook his head running both hands through his hair. He was nervous. My smile faded a bit. I could feel it.

"Edward? What's wrong?"

"Bella, we need to talk," he started.

I shook my head as soon as the words came out of his mouth, the tears starting up again. Damn it! Would they ever stop? Hadn't I officially overused the tear ducts already?!

Edward had just uttered the four worst words in the history of the world. I could hear him calling me but it was all fuzzy. All I could think about was the fact that it was over between us and I didn't even get a say. I hated that I was crying so hard in front of him, but I honestly wasn't able to stop.

"Bella!" I felt his hands grip my shoulders and shake me lightly. "Bella, please! What's the matter?"

"You.. you… you're breaking up with me-e," I sounded pathetic and I knew it but I couldn't find it in myself to care.

"What?" He asked, astounded, his hands still gripping my shoulders.

"You said we need to talk! Everyone knows that's code for: it's over!" I cried.

Edward shook his head, "No… baby no. I'm not breaking up with you."

He pulled me to his chest and held me there tight. I clung to him; his words washing over me and making me feel whole again. My breathing was harsh, but the tears stopped as he ran his fingers through my hair, whispering words of comfort.

I buried my nose into his chest and inhaled, smelling the sweet aroma that was Edward. My Edward.

His fingers massaged my scalp with one hand and held me tightly to him with the other.

"Bella, I am not leaving you. I am here until you order me away."

I looked up at him as he said this. There was absolute sincerity in his eyes as he spoke, but something else was there too. Something that didn't seem right. Before I could think too much on it, though, he said the words that I needed most to hear. That I had been waiting forever to hear from him, even if I didn't know it.

"I love you, Bella. I love you so much and…" he trailed off, looking away from me.

I tugged on his shirt to get his attention and he looked back in anguish. Confusion must have been written on my face because he stepped away from me then and resumed the tugging of his hair.

He started pacing and I just stood there, stunned. Something was obviously the matter, but he loved me. Something was bothering him, but he loved me. I needed to help him through this, whatever it was, and I would… because he loved me.

"Edward, what is it?"

He turned to look at me and his eyes were on fire, like a mad man. He strode towards me and captured me into a searing kiss, his hands pinning my arms to my sides.

He played with my lips and let his tongue explore my mouth… and I let him because he surprised me and it felt so damn good to have his mouth on mine again.

When he broke the kiss he was breathless and his eyes were still crazed. I searched his face, looking for some clue as to what he was thinking, but was coming up short.

"Bella, baby… I love you. I've wanted to tell you that for so long, but I couldn't work up the nerve. I love you with everything that I am. And even though some may say that it's too soon, I want you to know that I plan on spending forever with you."

My breath hitched as he looked me right in the eyes and said every word. He never faltered and never slipped. His eyes were pleading with me to believe him. And I did.

"Bella, I need you to keep all of that in mind when I tell you what I came here to tell you. You have to believe that what I said is true. You have to believe that I love you."

I nodded my head, "I believe you Edward. I love you too."

He sighed and smiled, kissing me again, this time more gentle.

When he was finished he looked me in the eyes again. There were so many emotions flittering through his face that I couldn't keep track of them.

"Bella…" He sighed, "Bella… I need to apologize for how I treated you in these past couple of weeks."

"It's okay." I urged.

"No, it's really not. What I'm about to tell you won't justify my behavior, but it will explain it."

He looked pained, broken, and all I wanted to do was put him back together.

"The reason that I didn't want you seeing James, Bella, was because we have a history."

I was confused, "A history?"

"Yea. James and I have known each other for a long time." He said.

"How long?"

Edward shrugged, "Since we were kids."

I didn't understand. This didn't shed any light on the current situation.

"James doesn't like me very much, and for a very good reason. Bella, I don't know if you'll be able to forgive me, but I need to tell you my story – from start to finish. Will you promise that you'll just listen all the way through?"

I nodded without hesitation. Edward was scaring me and I was praying that it wasn't as bad as he was making it seem.

Just as Edward was about to begin a shrill ringing resounded in the room.

"Shit!" Edward cursed as he grabbed his phone. "Hello?... no… not yet… Aro please… I can't!... please, I'm not finished… I promise I'll -… no one else can take care of it?... Where's my father?... fine… well if I don't have a choice then I don't have a choice… I'll see you soon, bye."

Edward looked at me in pain. Dammnit I just wanted that to go away! I wanted him to spit it out so that I could tell him it was okay and we could move on! I wanted _my_ Edward back.

"That was Aro, they need me at the hospital."

I nodded.

"I'll come back as soon as I can. Bella, I _need_ to talk to you, but it has to be done right."

"Why can't you just tell me now?" I asked hoping to get it over with.

"Because it would take too long and I want to be here after I tell you. I don't want to just dump it and run."

"Dump what?!" I cried, becoming frantic. His worry was transferring to me.

He ran forward and kissed my forehead, lingering there for a few moments.

"I'll be back. I promise. I love you."

And with that, he was gone.

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**Review? Please? Thanks lovelies!!! **

**I'm listening to: Milk & Honies - Just Jinjer**

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	19. Unfriendly Familiar Faces

**Here it is... the big reveal. I've been planning it this way from the beginning so please don't hate me! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know what you think! I wasn't exactly sure about the flow of the chapter, I realize it's a bit choppy, but I hope I conveyed all of the emotions I wanted to get across without going into ridiculously long explanations. I wanted this chapter to be about the interaction of dialogue and I wanted it to move fast. Okay, sorry for the long AN. Read on...**

**smeyer owns**

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**BPOV**

I paced the floor, anxiously awaiting Edward's return. Logically I knew he could very well be stuck at the hospital until the wee hours of the next morning, but one could hope.

Apparently he had talked his mentor into giving him a couple of hours off to talk to me. On one hand, I was grateful for Aro's graciousness. On the other hand, it scared me to death to think of what was so important that Edward actually got those couple of hours off.

It was a moot point anyway since he had to be called back due to an emergency. Of fucking course.

So here I was, wearing a hole into my father's old wooden floors waiting for the man of my dreams to come in here and tell me why he's been acting like such a shit.

A knock on the door made me snap my head up quickly, giving myself a bit of whiplash. Awesome. I briefly wondered why Edward would knock since he knew I was expecting him, but couldn't find it in myself to care too much. I ran to the door, flinging it open to find James standing on the other side.

Seriously, this had to stop happening.

"James," I said, not masking my surprise or disappointment, I'm sure.

"Hey Cinderella," He said meekly, "Can I come in?"

I gnawed my lip for a moment, contemplating. I wanted to let him in. I really did. But if Edward were to come back right now he would not be happy. He would be the very polar opposite of happy. And since the conversation with James and Tanya last week ended up in the silent treatment from Edward for a week, I wasn't sure I was willing to risk getting caught with James in my house.

A fleeting thought about the fact that if Edward was going to be my boyfriend he was going to have to deal with the fact that I would have other male friends in my life and he couldn't act like a complete douche every time one of them talked to me. But as quickly as that thought had come, it fled.

"No James, I don't think it's a good idea," I pleaded with him with my eyes to understand.

He looked at the ground, defeated. "Please, Bella."

His voice was hard, but I couldn't see his face.

I shook my head even though he couldn't see me, "No. I'm sorry."

My voice was barely a whisper. I hated doing this to him. I just hoped he would forgive me in the long run, after I'd had time to warm Edward up to the idea of our friendship.

James looked up at me after that and while I expected to see the dejected face of my would-be best friend, all I found was an angry stranger.

James looked terrifying as he stared me down, his breathing becoming heavier, almost as if he were physically holding whatever wrath he planned to unleash inside himself.

In a moment of terror, I started to shut the door.

Bad Move.

James' hand shot up and slammed against the door with a resounding bang, keeping it wide open. My mouth instantly went dry and my eyes felt as if they were going to pop out of my head.

"James," I whispered. But that's all I could get out.

I started to walk backwards in an effort to move away from his terrifying stare that I could not stand yet could not break. He matched every step I took, keeping the same short distance between us. It wasn't until I hit the wall of the living room that our strange dance came to a halt.

James' fists were clenched at his side, his glare still unwavering and his breath still labored.

Unwanted tears began to pool in my eyes. What was happening? Why was he doing this?

James took a deep breath and looked away for a moment before speaking, "We need to talk."

I whimpered in reply.

"Do you know why your precious Edward is at the hospital?"

I sniffled and shook my head, he was clearly baiting me.

"Because I want him there, that's why."

Okay, not what I was expecting, "What do you mean?" I whispered.

"I mean, I got Edward called in to the hospital. I knew he had work all night tonight so I was going to come over to see you. But then I found out that he got a couple of hours off to come see you and that put a kink in my plan, so I had to improvise." He ground out.

James was clearly having some sort of breakdown right in front of me and I was unsure as to what was the right course of action. The friend in me wanted to give him a hug and tell him that everything was going to be okay. The sane part of me wanted to run or hit him or something, anything to get away from him. I settled for talking to him.

"What do you mean improvise?" I whispered afraid of upsetting him.

He scoffed, "It isn't hard to get people to do what you want, Bella. Not when you have a little green. And especially not when you know everyone in this fucking town."

He became frustrated as he spat the last words. James had briefly mentioned that he grew up in Fork's when he came to visit me the first time. I had thought nothing of it at the time, seeing it as simply a strange coincidence. Now, I was reconsidering.

I shook my head, "How did you know Edward was going to be at the hospital tonight?"

A smirk graced James' face, "My sister works at the hospital."

"Your sister? I didn't know you had a sister." Just add it to the list.

"Yea, her name is Tanya," he said looking straight into my eyes.

All of the breath left my lungs and I felt like I had been punched in the gut, "Your sister is Tanya? Nurse Tanya?"

"The very one," he deadpanned.

I started shaking my head vehemently, anger bubbling up. "You have to leave."

The strength behind my words surprised him and he became visibly enraged again. A growl emanated from his chest and he narrowed his eyes at me.

"No."

"James"—

"I said no!" He yelled, knocking a picture frame off the side table. "Will you just listen to me for one damn minute! Shut that stupid mouth of yours and fucking listen!"

A sob erupted from my throat and I cursed myself for letting him see me this way.

"You're so wrapped up in your perfect fucking situation you won't even let me help you see what's right in front of you!"

"What are you"—

"I said SHUT UP!"

He took a couple of large breaths before starting to speak again. This time his voice was low, but deadly.

"Edward Cullen, the love of your life, is nothing but a liar."

I didn't speak. I knew better. James wasn't finished.

"You want to know who wrote those damn letters to you, Bella?" His voice grew louder and louder with each word, "Do you want to know? It was your perfect Edward fucking Cullen!"

I felt my brow furrow for a moment as I processed his words and then I started shaking my head.

"Oh you better believe it. He took every single one of your letters that you wrote to your father and he read them. He read them and he wrote back and he fucking lied! And then! When you got here, he got into your fucking pants!"

Silent tears started to stream down my face. This couldn't be true.

"I don't know, Bella! Seems pretty sick to me! Although, maybe I should give the guy a high five! What do you think? He had to be pretty fucking slick to pull this off, huh?"

The tears came faster and harder. He was lying. He had to be lying. Edward wouldn't write those letters. He had been there with me when I cried over them.

"You're lying," I whispered.

He bent down so he was right in front of my face, "Excuse me?"

"I said you're a liar!" I replied with conviction.

James smiled a sardonic smile, "You think so? Ask him! Ask him when he gets home."

_Home_.

I thought of Edward's behavior this past week. He had been distant and erratic and when he had come to talk, something was off. He wanted to talk to her about something serious… what if this was it? What if James was telling the truth?

But no…

That would mean…

Oh Gosh…

I wanted to throw up. I wanted to scream. I wanted to say with absolute certainty that it wasn't true.

But the seed had been planted. I couldn't say that because even if 99 percent of me believed it, there was 1 percent that was in doubt, and that was more doubt than I ever wanted to have in Edward.

I slid to the floor burying my face in my hands. I didn't care that James was there. I didn't care how he knew or for how long. I wanted to floor to swallow me up whole.

I don't know how long I sat there but I felt James crouch down in front of me. He started to comb his fingers through my hair, and as soon as I realized what he was doing, I lost it.

I smacked his hand away from me and looked him straight in the eyes, "Why should I believe you?"

The anger from before was barely there as his face softened and the James I used to know came shining through, "Because I'm your friend."

"Are you?" My voice cracked.

He looked hurt and broke our gaze, looking at the floor from his crouched position. "This isn't the first time…"

He trailed off, "This isn't the first time what, James?"

James clenched his fists. He was clearly trying to remain in control of himself.

"What?" I asked.

"He's not a good person." James growled.

"How do you know? Just because your sister says so? James, you don't know Edw"—

"Don't tell me what I don't know Bella! I've known Edward for a long time; a lot longer than you!"

"James"—

His head snapped to look me straight in the eyes, hatred burning in the cloudy blue pools, "He killed his best friend, Bella."

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**Don't hate me for the cliff! Next chap is coming soon, I promise. But I had to cut it there cause the next chap is a flashback! Tell me what you think!**

**I'm listening to Sitting Waiting Wishing by Jack Johnson. What are you listening to?**


	20. From Afar

**I suck. For real. And I know it. The usual - real life's a bitch. Thanks for reading anyway. You all rock hard :) Tell me what you think.**

**disclaimer: smeyer owns**

****UPDATE: i'm an idiot. none of you are me so of course you wouldn't know right off the bat what i was thinking... this is JAMESPOV and it's a flashback to high school** **

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I looked across the dismal parking lot of Forks High and saw a light radiating among all the dull idiocy surrounding me.

This light was in the shape of a girl – no, a woman. Her fire red hair was wound in natural tight curls that cascaded down her back and bounced with each and every movement she made. Her ruby red lips hid pearly white teeth that would make themselves known quite often when a bubbly laugh erupted from her belly. I knew the laugh came from her belly because her whole body shook with the joyous sound, and one couldn't help but to join in.

Her body was slender, with curves in all the right places. Her skin was cream and dotted with the most adorable cinnamon freckles. Her eyes were a brilliant green, wide and pure, yet mysterious and playful.

She was perfect. She was everything. She was the reason I actually came to this damn school early. I worshiped her from afar every single day. I studied her movements and hung on to her every word – when she talked to me. I was obsessive and I knew it. There was no point in even trying to play it off, everyone knew. I doubt I could've made it any more fucking obvious.

The worst part about it was, she was my fucking sisters best friend. Talk about an instant cock block.

Not that I was so disillusioned that I believe she would have been interested in me anyway. Victoria and Tanya were the queen bees of Forks High. Every guy wanted them.

This was their big year. They were seniors, and I was merely a lowly freshman. Still though, I couldn't help myself. Victoria was everything my heart mind and soul could want in a woman. I knew I was young, but it didn't matter. I was absolutely sure that she was it for me – she was the love of my life. And if I never got to be with her, I would understand, but I would also know in my heart of hearts that I was settling for less than the love of my life.

A low growl emanated from deep within my chest as I saw the bane of my existence saunter up towards my angel. Victoria and Edward were best friends. They'd known each other since they were in diapers and their parents were great friends. When my family moved here, Tanya and Victoria became inseparable and thus began the trio.

It was a complicated sort of friendship. Edward was the king of the high school. He was king of fucking everything in this damn town. Edward fucking Cullen could do no wrong. Bull shit! He was a fucking douche. Victoria has been in love with the bastard since day one, since they were in diapers. Cullen couldn't care less though. He just goes along with it as if the most beautiful and wonderful woman in the world isn't begging to be on his arm.

I don't think she's actually told him out loud how she feels, but come the fuck on… he has to know. She's at his beck and call.

Fuckward would rather play dumb and score meaningless pussy than settle down with my beautiful angel. Don't get me wrong; I was glad they weren't together. If I had to see his tongue down her throat I would probably stab myself, but I knew his dismissal hurt Victoria, and that made me want to rip his head off. Well that and the fact that I just really fucking despised Edward Cullen.

The other kicker was that my sister was also enthralled with the man whore. However, her affection didn't run quite as deep as Victoria's did. I love my sister, but she's pretty much a shallow bitch. I can't quite figure out if they've gone at it yet. I get most of my information eavesdropping on my sister and this is not something that she would tell Victoria.

Tanya, for all intents and purposes, supports Victoria in her quest to land Cullen. Vicky has spent many a night at my house, in tears, over this bastard. And every time, Tanya quiets her and tells her it's all going to be okay, that eventually he'll come to his senses and see what an amazing girl she is. If only Victoria knew…

The first bell rings and I watch as Edward swings his arm around Victoria and walks her to class.

I clench my teeth and my fists. How dare he lead her on like that! I know what that kind of stuff does to her! It gives her hope! I guarantee I'll be hearing about this moment later on when Victoria is explaining to Tanya how it's possible that Edward feels the same way'. Bull shit! BULL SHIT!

I can't go to class like this. I'm a mess. I want to punch something, or someone. I don't care; I just need to alleviate this anger from my body. I feel as if I'm going to explode!

This whole love triangle…square… trapezoid, whatever was ridiculous. I love Victoria, Victoria loves Edward. Victoria and Edward are best friends, nothing more. Victoria and Tanya are also best friends. Tanya is a self-serving bitch who wants to fuck the object of her best friends desire. Edward is a tool.

I sling my backpack over my shoulder and walk off the school grounds. There's no way I'm going to first period. I've got good enough grades, I'll survive. I can't even fathom being in the same room as other people right now.

Kicking at the ground, I shuffle through the forest. It's a fairly mild day for this shithole town, and with my coat on I can barely feel the damp chill running up and down my spine.

Finding an old tree trunk, I carelessly toss my book bag on the ground and take a seat, burying my head in my hands.

It isn't supposed to be like this. You aren't supposed to find the love of your life in high school. She isn't supposed to be four years older than you. It isn't supposed to be so impossible. I wanted to be able to look at the other girls and find them attractive. I wanted to be able to party like the rest of my friends. Hell, I was a freshman attending senior parties, isn't that what high school is all about? But I couldn't avert my attention from her, I couldn't stray from her.

It wasn't even a decision, it just was. I didn't decide to be this fucked up about a girl. I didn't decide to abandon all the awaiting females who just wanted a fuck buddy. I saw her and I was drawn in. I met her and I was hooked. She touched me and I was officially a goner. There was no one else in the world for me, and I knew it as soon as she shook my hand and smiled at me.

I scrubbed my face in my hands and decided I should start heading back. I could feel frustration emanating from my every pore, but I didn't want to get caught skipping. My dad wouldn't be happy and Kevin Doyle was throwing a huge party tonight so I really couldn't get grounded.

The music was loud. The people were even louder. Doyle's house was packed and the place smelled like beer and sweat. It was disgusting. It was the norm.

I was seriously in need of taking the edge off. I went through my classes, completely frustrated, but not being able to take off either.

Despite my nonchalance, I did really fucking well in school and it was the only thing that kept my dad off my dick. Plus good grades meant good college, scholarships, and miles between this shithole town and me.

Some faggot rapper was talking about his bitches, the beat starting to get to me. There was only so much of this I could take. I looked around for Casey, the resident stoner. She'd be able to give me something for tonight, and it was a known fact that she had a massive hard on for me, so I was pretty sure I'd be getting my shit complimentary tonight.

I spotted her and weaved my way through the crowd, "Hey Cas."

She turned at the sound of my voice, already visibly gone, "Hey stud. Wanna dance?"

She wrapped her arms around my neck and I caught a whiff of her – pot, stale cigarettes, beer, and vanilla incense. I wanted to throw up.

"No thanks, sweetheart," I smiled as I kindly unwrapped her hands from their death grip in the peach fuzz on my neck, effectively putting some sort of distance between us. "I was wondering if you had anything for me."

She smiled slyly as she produced a joint from seemingly out of thin air. I did not want to know where that thing had actually been.

I went to grab for it but she jerked away, "Uh, uh uh… I'm coming with."

I sighed, whatever. "Let's go then."

I pushed my way through the throngs of people, looking for an exit – any exit. I felt her dig her fingernails into my arm. Was she really that desperate for affection?

The brisk night air hit hard as we walked outside. It was fucking freezing. But I needed to get high more than I needed to avoid frostbite.

"You got a lighter?" She asked?

I knew she had one, but for some reason, me lighting the joint for her held some romance. What some girls considered their glass slipper was beyond me, but who was I to judge?

I opened my Zippo, flicking the wheel. It struck the flint, igniting the fuel-soaked wick and making the delicious entity that was fire. It was enrapturing to watch something so powerful yet so contained. All I had to do was give it a little freedom and it would run, yet until I gave the word, it stayed in it's rightful place.

Casey barely noticed my trance as she sucked on the joint making the embers glow. She breathed deep and handed me the small but oh so powerful substance for a hit. I took a long draw, loving the anticipation of the feeling that would overtake me in just a few moments.

I closed my eyes; handing the joint back to her… it _was_ hers after all. I wasn't a dick.

I heard the front door slam. We were right next to it, right off of the front patio. I was surprised I noticed the sound due to everything going on around me. I must have some sort of radar for this girl.

My eyes flew open to see Victoria running away from the house, crying. Her heels were in her hands, her hair a mess.

"Vicky!" I ran after her.

She kept going.

"Vicky, stop!" I pushed my way through the few people gathered around on the front lawn and caught up with her fairly easily.

I grabbed her arm gently, not wanting to hurt her. As I turned her around, my heart broke. Her makeup was smeared all over her face. Her nose was running. She looked like a mess, but the worst part was her eyes. What were once her best feature, now just looked dead.

"Vicky, what happened?" I asked softly as I cradled her face in my hands, gently probing her to look at me.

She squeezed her eyes shut tight and shook her head back and forth, leaning into my touch.

Even though she was obviously hurting, my heart soared at the fact that she was letting me comfort her.

I was emboldened by her acceptance of my touch. Slowly, gently, I pulled her entire body towards me, engulfing her in a hug. She reciprocated immediately, hugging her arms around me in a vice grip and burying her face into my chest.

I stroked her hair and whispered in her ear that everything was going to be okay. I was warring with myself. I felt so wrong for feeling so right at this moment. Having her in my arms was perfect, but she was hurting.

Keeping her body pinned against mine, I tilted just her head up, "Do you want to talk about it?"

That seemed to snap her out of whatever fog she had been in that had allowed me to hold onto her for so long, "No thanks, J."

Her voice was quiet and raspy.

"I'm sorry," she apologized as new tears fell down her face.

I shook my head no, about to tell her she had nothing to apologize for and wipe her tears away but she stepped back and started to speak again.

"I have to go," was all she said before she turned and started running towards her car again.

I thought about going after her and offering to drive her home. I didn't know how much she had had to drink tonight, but I had been drinking as well and was also high so me driving her didn't make much sense either.

So I watched her go, a tight knot in the pit of my stomach. You know how they say you're supposed to trust your gut? That first instinct is usually best?

They're right.

It was ten in the morning. I had a massive fucking hangover, and I was quite surprised to find myself in my own bed. I didn't remember putting myself there. Oh well, thank God for small favors.

I had no idea what had woken me up but there was some excessive fucking high-pitched noise that was going to die as soon as I found it.

Wiping the sleep from my eyes I sat up… too fast. Taking a moment to let the nausea pass, I swung my feet out and stood up, wobbling a bit. This was not going to be a good morning. I needed some waffles, or a taco or something.

I stumbled towards the sound and started digging in my hamper, pulling out my jeans from the night before.

Hm, didn't remember putting those in there either.

I dug out my cell phone from the pocket and glared at the screen.

"What the fuck, Tanya?" I growled into the phone.

My anger dissipated quite rapidly though when I heard my sister sobbing on the other end. Tanya never cried. Never. Plus, we had our differences, but we were actually pretty close.

"Tan?"

"She's dead, J. She's dead." Tanya got out brokenly through hysterical cries and whimpers.

That knot in my stomach returned and I asked the question that I dreaded most but needed to hear the answer to.

"Who's dead, Tanya?" I whispered. I sat down on the floor, everything in my body starting to go numb in anticipation of the answer. I couldn't blink, couldn't swallow, couldn't move.

"V-V-Vicky," she wailed into the phone, her sobs becoming louder and more frantic. But I couldn't hear her, I couldn't hear anything. Everything around me just ceased to exist in that moment.

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**EPOV flashback will be coming at some point and you WILL find out what happened to Victoria. Leave some love.**

**I'm listening to: All I Need by Mat Kearney. He is awesomesauce. great live. just fyi.**

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	21. Truth Hurts, Love Stinks & Other Cliches

**I'm a failure. I'm so sorry. I'm not giving up, I swear and if you guys are even still reading this, you are amazing beyond my wildest imagination. I PROMISE YOU, I'm getting another chapter up THIS WEEK! I'm shooting for tomorrow, but RL is so hectic. I know. That's a lame excuse. I know I don't deserve it, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE your reviews! :) **

**disclaimer: smeyer owns**

**BPOV**

I stared at James, tears blurring my vision.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered.

The way he spoke about Vicky was beautiful. My heart broke for his obvious loss. His eyes were vacant, and his smile seemed forced. I tried to remember if it had always been this way and I was just too blind to see.

He shook his head, as if shaking off my apology, not meeting my gaze. He wouldn't look at me the entire time that he was telling his story, just kind of stared off into space.

This was obviously something he didn't talk about a lot. It was hard for him to get the words out, the feelings still very raw. I was almost scared to pose the next question, but at this point, I didn't have a lot to lose.

"James," I whispered, kneeling in front of him, forcing him to look into my eyes. "James, I understand you're hurting, but um, but what you said… it um… it doesn't really prove… I mean… I don't understand… gah, I just… um… how did Edward… kill Vicky… exactly…?"

I was both scared of his reaction and of his answer. Doubt was clouding my brain, seeping into crevices and cracks so deep, it would be hard to remove. I didn't want this. Part of me was angry with James for ever telling me his story and the supposed truth. Maybe living a lie was better. I knew it was easier.

James coughed, emotion stuck in his throat. "That night, at the party… Vicky told Edward how she felt about him. She had apparently been drinking… a lot… psyching herself up for it. She took him into a room and they started to fool around," he took a break, clenching his jaw and fists. He was still so angry, after all this time. "Before it got too far, she told him she loved him. He just blew her off! He was ready to fuck her, but he couldn't return her feelings."

I nodded my head, still waiting to hear the conviction. It never came. James stopped there.

"So…" I said.

James' head snapped up, "So, what?"

"So what did Edward do?" I asked, feeling like I was walking on eggshells.

James' face turned angry, "What did he do? I just told you! He fucking broke her heart! After leading her on for years, he HAD to know she loved him. And after Vicky left, he went and hooked up with my sister!"

My face contorted in disgust. Yuck. I did not want to imagine Edward and Tanya together but that still didn't mean that Edward killed Vicky.

"Are you blind?"

Oops. Apparently I said that out loud.

"He let her walk away! He broke her heart and then let her walk away, completely drunk! It's his fault she drank as much as she did and his fault that she left a complete mess! It's his fault that she got in an accident on the way home, and his fault that she fucking died! It's always been his fault!"

"James…" I started, but was interrupted by a velvet voice.

"You're right," Edward said. He looked completely worn out, his hair was more of a mess than usual, and his eyes looked so… heavy.

"Edward!" I exclaimed in surprise, getting up immediately. I unconsciously stepped between the two of them, not wanting WWIII to break out in my living room.

He gave me a half hearted smirk, "It's okay, Bell. I'm not mad. It's about time everything was out in the open.

My stomach sank. What did that mean?

Before I could ask, Edward turned his attention to James. "You're absolutely right, James. I blame myself every day for what happened to Vicky. You can't imagine the guilt that I feel."

Edward started to unbutton his shirt, James and I both equally confused as to what he was doing. He peeled back his oxford shirt, and pulled aside his white wife beater to reveal a "V" on his left pectoral, along with a date, which I assumed was Vicky's date of death.

I looked back to James to find his gaze no less angry than when Edward had arrived.

"I know that in your eyes, I can never be forgiven. But I want you to know, that I take full responsibility for what happened."

James lost it, "That's not enough! What, just because you have a tattoo, you care about her? You can't take back what you did! You're a worthless piece of shit, and you don't deserve this girl," he pointed to me.

Edward looked at me and his eyes grew haunted. He looked so tortured, "You're right. I don't deserve her."

"You're damn right you don't. You didn't deserve Vicky either! It should have been you in that car! It should've been you that died that night! She did nothing wrong! She didn't do anything to deserve what you did to her! As if a broken heart wasn't enough, she had to die too?"

"That's enough!" I heard myself exclaim before I realized what I was doing. "James, get out!"

"Bella," he looked at me, his expression softening.

"No, James." I shook me head, rounding on him fully. "You do not get to come into my house and attack my boyfriend like that."

"But Bella!"

"No. You said what you had to say. He apologized. Thank you for coming over and telling me what you did. Now leave. We'll talk later when you've calmed down."

He nodded, giving Edward one last dirty glare before walking out. When I heard the door slam shut, I knew he was gone.

I gave Edward my full attention then, he had a lot of explaining to do.

"Edward."

He looked up, eyes still haunted, face translucent as a ghost.

My anger dissipated in that moment and I went to him. His warm arms engulfed me, as if I were his oxygen. He took big heaping breaths, letting out dry sobs as he pinned me to him.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. It's my fault. I know it's all my fault."

I ran my hands through his hair, whispering tender words in his ear.

"It's not your fault, Edward."

"It is. It is. It is," was all he kept saying.

I knew we had things to discuss, but seeing him like this was breaking my heart. He looked so fragile, so helpless. I didn't want to be the one to break him completely. A fleeting thought that he was doing this on purpose to delay the inevitable entered me mind, but it quickly vanished. That wasn't Edward. At least, it wasn't the Edward that_ I_ knew.

I untangled myself from his vice grip and led him over to my couch, straddling his lap. I placed soft kisses all over his face, whispering words of love to him. It seemed to calm him down.

I didn't want to believe what James had told me. I didn't want to believe that all of this was a lie, so the kisses were as much for me as they were for him. In that moment, I realized that I needed him. And that scared the shit out of me.

Time passed slowly or quickly, I'm not sure. All I know is that I got Edward calmed down, and his color was returning. His eyes were still sullen, but their vibrancy was back. He was breathing normally and rubbing slow, lazy circles on my thigh with his warm finger.

It was then I knew that I had to confront him. He wasn't about to fall off the edge, and I needed to get this out of the way. It was very possible that James misunderstood. How in the world would he know about Edward writing letters to me? He obviously didn't like Edward very much.

"Do you want to see her picture?" Edward broke through my musings in a voice that sounded almost childlike.

"Whose picture?" I asked, startled by the noise.

"Vicky's," he said painfully, his voice breaking.

I just looked at him. "Why?"

He shook his head, tears beginning to form in the corner of his eyes. "I just… I don't know. I owe so much more to her memory than I give. She really was a great girl, one that I didn't deserve. And I treated her like shit. She was beautiful, really she was… but she was convenient. I was content to have her there always without making a commitment because… I think some part of me always knew she'd give me everything for nothing in return. It was easy."

"Edward, you were a kid."

"That's no excuse. I had a girl who was willing to give me the world and I took that for granted."

He looked at me, nervousness showing in his features. He looked as if he were waging a war inside his head, and I wanted nothing more than to tell him that everything was going to be okay. Vicky's death wasn't his fault; he needed to stop blaming himself.

I wanted to kick James right then and there.

"That's why, when I read your first letter… I knew. There was just something."-

"Wait, what?" I asked, crawling off his lap.

"Bella, wait. Just listen to me." His eyes pleaded with mine.

I was so confused. All these emotions flooded to the very center of my being: hurt, anger, embarrassment, idiocy, sadness, betrayal… this list went on. James had told me, but I didn't believe it, because I didn't want to believe it. Doubt had crept in, but I pushed it away.

Edward wasn't that person, I knew him.

Edward couldn't be that person.

Edward _was_ that person.

I felt as if I'd been punched in the stomach. I wanted to throw up and pass out. Tears rolled down my face as if I had a never-ending supply. This couldn't actually be happening, could it? Of all the people…

"I think you should go." I said, suddenly. He'd been mumbling on about something… explaining himself I guess, but I couldn't listen. I wanted to scream and cry and kick and punch and fall asleep and be numb.

"Bella, please."

"Go, Edward!" I screamed, surprising even myself.

I looked over at him for the first time since he admitted his betrayal. He looked broken. But this time, it was different. I didn't want to run to him or comfort him, because I felt just as broken as he did… and it was his fault.

**it's short. i know. i fail. :( but again, another chap coming soon! And for those of you reading WSS, I am not abandoning that, but i need to get this finished first. This was really my first venture into FF and i've learned a lot doing this, but WSS is a lot heavier of a story and i want to make sure it's done REALLY well. so it's on TEMP hiatus. **

**I'm listening to Dance So Good by Wakey!Wakey!... i just love that name. and the song is amaaaaazing. listen to it! NOW! :)**

**what are you listening to?**


	22. Wakey, Wakey, Eggs & Bakey!

**YAY! i kept my promise! :) here it is... **

**Thank you SO SO much for those who reviewed. It means so much, you have no idea. Your support is so rock hard awesomesauce. **

**Let me know what you think!**

**smeyer owns.**

**BPOV**

The phone rang… again. I didn't need to look at the caller i.d. to see who had been calling. It was the same person that had been calling for the last three days. It was the same person that I was both irrevocably in love with and insanely mad at.

As soon as Edward had left, I broke down. Everything came flooding to the surface. From finding my dad to losing Renee. From finding out Charlie was in a coma to meeting the Cullen's. From love to betrayal. I cried. I shed tears for myself, and only myself.

What the hell did I do wrong? Why was my life made up of such fuckery? Why couldn't I ever be the one to come out on top?

So here I was, wallowing in self-pity… still. I smelled as bad as I looked. I needed a shower and a shave and a good kick in the pants.

I'm not sure why I hadn't taken the phone off the hook. I was a masochist, I guess. Or maybe I was just lazy. I didn't fucking care. All I knew was that I had no desire to ever get up from this couch. Ever. Again.

Of course, fate has a way of being a nasty bitch. No sooner did the thought of gluing myself to the couch occur than there was a sharp knock at the door.

"Go Away!" I yelled, figuring it was Edward. He was probably double fisting, one hand on the door, and the other redialing my phone.

The knock came again.

"Seriously, Edward! Get the hell off my property!" I screamed.

Who the hell did he think he was? I would talk to him when I was ready, _if_ I was ever ready.

"It's not Edward! Open the door before I break it down, bitch!" came a muffled female voice.

"Alice, I don't appreciate empty threats!" I yelled back.

"Oh, it ain't empty, hon. Open the door, we just want to talk!" came Rose's voice. "Please, Bell. We love you!"

I got a sudden burst of adrenaline as my temper spiked. Marching to the door, I wrenched it open, fully aware that I looked like hell worked over.

"You _love_ me? You LOVE me? How dare you!"

"We didn't know, Bella!" Rose interjected.

I stopped short.

"Honestly, we didn't know."

Alice nodded in agreement, holding out a coffee for me.

"Please, let us come in and talk?" Rose pleaded.

I shook my head, the anger dissipating, but immediately being replaced with overwhelming sadness. "Fine."

I left the door open as I made my way to the kitchen with my coffee. It was scalding, and it felt amazing going down my throat.

I walked over to the cabinet, looking for something to eat. Cereal would do the trick. It didn't matter, it all tasted like cardboard anyway.

"Bella, you smell." Alice piped up, taking a seat at the table.

"You're a bitch." I deadpanned.

"We knew this. But even though I'm a bitch and your pathetic, I still love you."

My eyes welled up with tears as I heard those three important words for the second time from two people that in the grand scheme of things didn't really matter. I loved them both, dearly. But I didn't want to hear the magic words from them. Hearing them just made me think of Edward and thinking of Edward made me think of his betrayal. It was a vicious, vicious, cycle.

Rose sighed, "Bella… Edward's a mess."

Anger coursed through me once again, "Does it look like I've got it all fucking together over here?"

"That's not what I meant by that, and you know it," Rose scolded. She was born to be a mother.

"We're all a mess, Bella," Alice said, rubbing my arm soothingly as I sat at the table with my increasingly soggy cereal. "And believe me, no one wants to kick Edward's ass more than I do, but… he"—

"What? He's sorry?" I yelled.

"No," Rose shook her head. "He loves you."

Three times. That was three times in the course of like five minutes. What the hell? I hadn't heard those three words in… I don't even know how long, and now everyone was throwing them out like they were free candy?

"How do you know that?" I asked, teeth clenched. "He never told me that! He never said anything like that, and he lied to me! So from where I'm standing, it's pretty fucking obvious that he doesn't!"

"Bella, he's a mess," Alice tried.

"He feels guilty for getting caught. I would too if I were him," I explained.

Rose shook her head, "I've never seen him like this before. He never really cared about a woman. Not like he's been with you."

"Yea," Alice piped up. "After Vicky…"

She trailed off, looking like she said something she shouldn't of.

"Don't worry, I already know," I deadpanned.

Alice sighed in quick relief, "Well… I'm sure you know then that Edward blames himself for her death. Ever since then, he's been distant with women. You're his first relationship."

"Well woopty-fucking-doo. That doesn't change the fact that he lied, Alice! He stood there with me, next to my father as I cried for him! He let me come here only to find out that the man I wanted nothing more than to meet and take my pain away is completely incapacitated!" I yelled.

"Look, Bella. We're not here to justify what Edward did," Rose calmly explained. "We're just here to tell you that he's sorry and that he cares. He does love you, Bella, and we hope you can forgive him… because… quite honestly, you're the best thing that's ever happened to him."

I didn't respond as tears rolled down my cheeks. I was so confused. Did I love Edward? Absolutely. Was I mad as all hell? Fuck yes. So where did I go from here? I had never felt such strong and conflicting emotions before.

"We'll go," Alice said, breaking the silence. She got up and gave me an awkward hug – as I hadn't moved from my seated position.

"Call us if you need anything, Bell. Anything at all," Rose said as she pressed a kiss to my head.

They were almost out of the kitchen when I spoke, "Rose?"

She turned around quickly, "Yea, Bell?"

"Is umm… is Edward working… today?"

She shook her head, "No. He's taking a few days off."

I nodded my thanks, and with that, they left.

I stared at my now cold coffee and my completely disgusting blob of goo that once could've been called cereal. I couldn't sit here anymore. I had to do something. All I kept doing was playing these last few months over and over again in my mind. I was driving myself mad and I needed to get out. Now.

Making the decision that I really didn't need any extra pairs of eyes on me while I was out, I thought it would be a good idea to get cleaned up. So with a quick shower, shave, and all around pamper I was dressed and out the door.

I went to the one person I felt I could count on. I knew that when Rose and Alice said they were there for me, they meant it… but I needed someone else. I needed my daddy.

Before I could even begin to think about controlling them, tears streamed down my face. I was getting pretty fucking tired of the puffy eye/runny nose look, but I figured it was a moot point to fight it.

I went to his bedside slowly, the silence creating more noise than a marching band ever could. It pounded through my ears and made me aware of every breath I took, ever sniffle I made, and every step forward. Grasping his hand, as I had done so many times before, I completely broke down. It was as if his mere presence gave me permission to feel like a child again.

I had been on my own for so long, for as long as I could remember. I didn't have a parent that was willing to do that for me – in fact, a lot of times, the one I was fighting was my mother.

I looked at the planes of his face, memorizing… as if I were seeing him for the first time. I saw my bone structure on his face, and I traced the lines lightly, the way a blind person traces to see.

I wanted nothing more than for him to hold me and tell me everything was okay. It wasn't just because he was my father… hell, I grew up learning that just because someone was your parent didn't mean they had to love you unconditionally or protect you or make everything okay. There was just something about him, and I'd felt it the moment I walked into this very hospital room for the first time.

"Daddy," I cried. "Daddy, I need you."

I rested my head on his shoulder while my hand grasped his limp one.

"I need you," I sobbed into his shoulder. "I need you to make everything better."

I breathed in his scent, which smelled a lot like hospital at this point. But it didn't matter… it was still him. I started to calm myself down after a few seconds, my breaths becoming deeper and my cries becoming softer.

And that's when I felt it.

I jumped back, startled beyond belief. I looked at my hand, sure that this was some sick joke… or maybe I'd just gone crazy.

But no. As I looked at his face, I saw. He was frowning, as if in concentration. What had once been a peaceful stare had turned into a puzzled look.

I ran out of the room, as fast as my feet would carry me. I thanked God for small favors as I saw Tanya wasn't on duty at the nurse's station.

"Hi Maddie, I need a doctor, is there one available?" I breathed out quickly.

"Sure sugar, is everything okay?" she asked, concerned.

I smiled, huge and wide, "Everything's great."

"Oh, Doctor Anderson, Bella here needs to speak with you if you've got a minute," Maddie said as one of the doctor's walked into the station. I'd never met him before, but I'd heard he was very nice.

"I was just about to go on a break, but I've got a few minutes," he grinned good-naturedly at me.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you! You'll want to see this!" I smiled as I found myself doing a little happy dance. I realized that the bubbling in my stomach was no longer sadness or emptiness or confusion, but hope. I had hope.

I tried to slow my pace down the hall as Dr. Anderson followed behind me. I probably looked like that kid who'd snuck desserts at a birthday party and came home acting like a crack addict.

We walked into the room and I went right up to the bed, smiling proudly at the doctor.

He stared at me for a few moments before reaching for the chart at the end of the bed.

"I'm sorry…"

"Bella," I chimed.

"Bella. Chief Swan isn't my patient, I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be looking at."

"He changed!" I supplied immediately, "His face changed. I spoke to him for the first time since I've been coming to visit him and his face made this frowning motion… and… he grabbed my hand!"

The doctor looked at me intently, "Can you do it again?"

I shrugged, "I have no idea."

"Sometimes, these things are flukes, so I just want to put that disclaimer out there. However, showing any form of reaction or stimuli is vast improvement from a completely comatose state."

I bit my lip as I tried to suppress my smile. I knew he said it could be a fluke, but the hope had completely overtaken my body. I was giddy with it, drunk off of it.

I grabbed his hand and looked at his face intently, "Dad? Dad, can you hear me?"

"I'm sorry, dad? Chief Swan is your father?" The doctor asked me.

Just was I was about to answer, it happened again. "He did it! He grabbed my hand."

The doctor looked on, astonished, "I saw. His lip twitched as well."

The doctor walked forward, coming around to the other side of the bed. He took his mag light out and flashed it into Charlie's eyes. He looked in his mouth and then put the light away. I had no idea what he was doing, but I could barely contain myself. I was hopping on the balls of my feet, smile wide and ready for any news.

"Chief Swan, can you hear us?" The doctor asked loud and clear.

**:) :) :) tell me what you think!**

**i'm listening to edith piaf. giaah, that's for you my French love!**

**what are you listening to?**

**p.s.- the title doesn't really go with the chapter, but kill bill was stuck in my head. come at me!**


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